Religion Exposed: The Series
by AMBC
Summary: All four stories of Religion Exposed have been mergered into one full book. It's still the same plot, just with a few minor changes, few extra parts and spelling corrections, read it and you'll see. Stars ThreadbareSP's fan character Charlie. Warning: may cause reader to go cross-eyed and not suitable for those who take religion seriously.
1. Gods Don't Exist

**All characters that appeared in the show belong to Trey Parker and Matt Stone. All fanon characters, including Zoroaster, Dark Matter and the Olympians belong to me. Charlie and Becca Pierzynski, also fanon characters, belong to Project B.**

The streets were unmoving, silent in the night. It was past midnight and there was no one in sight, unless of course you count a lone man running for his life through the streets, then it's not that lonely…well you get the idea.

Anyway back to the white haired man, who looked to be in his late sixties was darting through buildings and cars, trying to avoid whatever was after him. He needed to get away, but most importantly, he needed to protect _them._ As he hid behind a corner in an alleyway, he took out of his coat pocket a cube shape object and stared at it. It looked like a normal cube to some people, but him it held value, not money value mind, but spiritual value. The cube was almost white in appearance but with a blue glow to it and it was engraved with symbols from ancient times. The man knew that this cube was very dangerous in the wrong hands, another reason why he has to keep it away from _him_.

Then he heard footsteps and he knew that it was the person who was chasing him. The man sprinted to the nearest corner, only to find that it's a dead end.

"Aw crap" The old man replied.

"Well, well, look who's finally caught," The figure said as he drew closer to the captured man, "You were close to figuring it all out Erastus."

"All the more reason to get a head start in stopping you." The man called Erastus said defiantly.

"I really thought you had me when I discovered you had a Keystone, and yet you just couldn't put the pieces together." Said the figure.

"You have no idea of what you're tampering with here," Yelled Erastus, "This could endanger my family, and even if I die, I have full confidence that they will stop you!"

The figure chuckled, "I don't think so," He pulled out a gun, "This is just the beginning, and I can't let you or those beings you call 'heroes' interfere."

With that, a gunshot echoed through the streets.

The discovery of the cube that was called a 'Keystone' had enough power to bring a dark evil back to life.

If you are to look inside Mount Olympus in Greece, you will find bulky, knights wearing black amour and unmoving, wasted away to nothing but skeletons. Not tonight though, because their eyes began to glow a vivid red and they moved from the positions they were in after they died.

The knights walked outside the cave and stared at the view of Greece. It is time to take back what was rightfully theirs.

Around the same time, in a mountain town in Colorado, in a poverty stricken house, a little girl was waking up from a strange dream. The girl, looking to be around seven, with fair brown hair, stared at her room, slightly shaken from the dream she had. She walked over to her window and stared at the night sky, wondering what the dream was about. As she looked at the sky, she could have sworn she saw a shooting star land in Stark's Pound.

The snow sparkled in the warm sun. Adults went to their jobs while their children went to school. It was just another normal day in South Park…at least you wished it was. In this mountain town, you just never know what might happen and today was going to be no exception.

In South Park Elementary, the class of Mr. Garrison were heading to their seats, ready to start the day for another incompetent lesson.

"I'm telling you asswipes, it's real! It's really real!" Eric Cartman yelled, in his usual manipulative nature, only this time, his fellow classmates were unsure.

Craig Tucker flipped the fat boy off, while shaking his head slightly, "We don't know if it truly is real you retard. You have no proof of any kind."

"You guys! I'm seriously!" Yelled Cartman, "Butters agrees with me. Don't you Butters?" He looked at the timid boy with the yellow puffball on his head.

"Ah geez Eric, I wanna believe you," Said Butters, messing with his hands slightly, "but my parents said they'll ground me, if I ever fall for another one of your tricks."

"God-dammit!" Cartman shouted. He was making such a scene in the classroom. A few more of his classmates arrived, including Stan Marsh, Kyle Bloflovski, Charlie Pierzynski and Kenny McCormick.

"Hey Jew!" Screamed Cartman when he saw his friends enter the classroom, "Can you prove to these stupid assholes that I'm right."

Kyle growled softly. He was in no mood to put up with the stupidity of his least favourite person in the world.

"Right about what?" Stan asked.

"That the Hanging Gardens of Babylon is real." Cartman said simply.

"Cartman that is the most retarded thing I've ever heard." Said Kyle.

"It's not stupid Jew, its real, I know I'm right! I'm always right!"

"Right!?" Asked Kyle, "Since when were you always right?"

"Hmm, let me think," Cartman said in mock remembering, "There was the time I said you can crap out of your mouth, and goodness it worked Kyle, and there was the time I said the last thing you do before you die was shit your pants, and my, look at that, and let's not forget the time I said Leprechauns were real-"

"That's not the point!" Kyle shouted, "I know the Hanging Gardens of Babylon isn't real because there's no proof that it is real!"

"No proof huh? I suppose there's no proof that Kenny's poor?"

"Fuck you!" Kenny yelled under his polka.

"Shut up fatass!"

"But Kyle-"

"Eric, sit down and shut the hell up!" Mr. Garrison shouted, who was just coming into the classroom.

"Eh, Mr. Garrison, I think we should discuss the idea of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon being real." Said Cartman.

"No Eric, that's stupid and retarded." Said Mr. Garrison, who was setting his books on his desk.

"But Mr. Garrison, there's a speck of truth on what's real and what isn't."

"Oh really now? Like what?"

"Well like you being gay-"

"That is completely different to what you're talking about," Charlie retorted, "Mr. Garrison didn't admit his sexuality until he went into a giant tree. The thing you're describing is stuff you find in history and mythology books."

"I didn't ask for your opinion, you gender confused bitch!" Cartman shouted.

"Don't call her that fatass!" Yelled Kyle.

"Fuck you Jew!"

"Eric, language!"

"M'kay, am I interrupting anything?" Mr. Mackey's over sized head peeped into the classroom.

"Apart from Eric being a smartass, no you're not."

M'kay, in that case, can Kenny McCormick come to the principal's office, m'kay?"

"_Shit, what did I do now?" _Kenny thought to himself.

"Can you also bring Eric with you, because he's being a smartass."

"FUCK!" Cartman screamed, while throwing his hat on the ground. Many of his classmates couldn't help but stifle a few laughs.

When Kenny, Cartman and Mr. Mackey arrived in Principal Victoria's office Kenny found that his parents, Stuart and Carol McCormick were also there, both with grave looks on their faces.

"There is a misunderstanding here Principal Victoria," Said Cartman. Kenny knew that the fat boy was trying to weasel his way out of getting into trouble, "I didn't do anything offending nor did I force someone to commit suicide. I'm a victim of an abusing teacher, which we all know is not kewl."

"I'll deal with you in a minute Eric," said the principal, "right now I'm more concerned with Kenny's family…"

"…What?" Kenny asked.

"We didn't want Karen to find out," Said Stuart, "she wouldn't understand."

Carol drew a deep breath, "Kenny, do you remember your grandfather from my side of the family?"

"The one we almost never see?"

"Yeah, well we got a call that he's dead."

A long silence filled the office, as Kenny took in what his mother just said.

"They say he was found dead in an alleyway in some street." Stuart explained.

"Your parents wanted to let you know personally Kenny," Principal Victoria, "and just so you understand that you don't have let your friends know right away of what you heard, you can tell them in your own ti-Eric what are you doing with that microphone?!"

She has just noticed Cartman turning on the microphone.

"I just want to let something out Principal Victoria," Said Cartman, as he began to make an announcement, "Good morning asswipes. Today I've learned that Kenny's asswipe grandfather just died. It just goes to show that poor people die quicker than others-"

"Goddammit Cartman!"

"Eric, give me the microphone right now!"

"I can't believe that bitch of a principal suspended me!" Cried Cartman when they were exiting the school.

"Well I'm not surprised fatass," Said Kyle, "you announced to the whole school that Kenny's grandfather died!"

"Don't you have a heart?" Asked Charlie.

"Probably not, 'cause it's hidden underneath his fatass." Said Stan.

Cartman huffed, "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

As he walked ahead of them, he walked passed Butter, who was making his own way home.

"_Lu lu lu I got some apples," _He sang, _"Lu lu lu you got some too."_

As he was turning a corner, he bumped straight into a white robed figure.

"Oh hamburgers!" Cried Butters, believing he was going to get in yet another dangerous situation.

The stranger sighed in relief, "Oh thank God, someone who's not of the Pura Fides, so someone who's less likely to be found with this."

He pulled a staff that Butters had never seen. It was a peculiar staff, which was made of what looked like steel and had the head of an ox on top.

"I need you to do me a favour," Said the figure, "take this staff with you and don't show it to anyone else. With it you can summon him out of the Pentagon and into the outside world again."

W-wait, who's 'him' and how do I work this thing?" Butters asked but the mysterious stranger ran off before the boy had time to ask. Butters looked at the staff he was given with fear. He couldn't bring it home with him, his parents would ground him for sure, and yet, something told him that he shouldn't leave it lying on the ground either. Making a decision, he put the staff in his backpack and walked home in silence.

"You didn't have to invite us over to your house, you know." Carol said to Kyle's mother, Sheila Bloflovski.

"Don't be ridiculous," Sheila replied, "you lost a dear relative in your family and the least we can do is make sure you have friends to comfort you."

"I'm surprised you have a book of the members in your family and their history." Said Sharon, Stan's mother, looking at a big book with a grey cover. She didn't think that they could afford a book like that.

"Yeah, we keep that book in the house, but we never read it." Said Stuart.

"We use to have a book like that," Said Randy," hey Sharon, tell them about the time you used the pages as toilet paper."

"Randy!"

"Hey it's true, I didn't bother buying toilet paper and you just wrecked that book, now we just have a half wrecked book of relatives."

"I think we get the picture Randy." Gerald replied, flipping through the pages of the family book, until he came across a particular section of the book.

"Huh, that's interesting." He said thoughtfully.

"What?" Carol asked.

"I didn't know your father was born in Greece." Gerald answered.

There was stunned look on Carol's face when he said that.

"What? Th-that's impossible. My dad wasn't a Greek."

"That's not what your family book says." Gerald said, handing the book to Stuart and Carol, "Have a read for yourself."

Stuart and Carol both read the section of Carol's father before stunned looks crossed their faces.

"Holy crap it's true," Stuart said, "your dad was a Greek.

"…Wow," Said Randy, "suddenly using book pages for toilet paper doesn't sound so bad, huh?"

"Randy!"

"Grandpa was a Greek?" Kevin, Kenny's older brother asked when the parents' children were gathered in the Marsh's living room to learn the news.

"That's right," Stuart said, "we found out in our family book."

"Whoa dude. That means you're part foreigner Kenny." Stan said to his friend.

"With this bit of news, I don't know what to do now," Said Carol, "Dad said that if he died he wanted to be buried in his birthplace. I presumed that it was in Illinois where my family originally lived, but now that I learned he was Greek, I don't know how to do the funeral."

While she was talking, Randy began to think of an idea, concerning the funeral and the Greek part.

"Hey uh, Carol," He began, "isn't Greece your dad's original birthplace?"

"Randy…" Sharon warned, she knew that look on her husband's face anywhere. It was the look he always gets when he has an idea, only for it to turn into an obsessive desire.

"No, seriously Sharon, hear me out. What if you let us, your friends pay to get your dead dad to Greece and all of us and our son's friends can come with us?"

"…You sure you're not doing it just because Greece is a holiday country and you're going to turn the trip into a vacation?" Stan asked.

"Don't be ridiculous Stan," Randy half-lied, "if there's one thing I like to put first, it's the happiness of those close to me…and beaches."

"I for one, think that's an excellent idea," Sheila exclaimed with more sympathy for the McCormicks, "I think we can start now with preparations for the trip. Gerald can you call the nearest airport and explain the situation for them and how about we split the money between us for the trip? I'm sure the O'Briens will help as well."

"Dude, I think we're headed to Greece." Kyle said to his best friend.

The next day Stan, Kyle and Cartman went the O'Brien residence to visit Charlie. It has been over a year now since Charlie and her little sister Becca were adopted by a loving couple, who wanted children of their own. Although Charlie no longer lived with Stan's family, his parents still saw her as one of their own.

Stan rang the doorbell and Mrs. O'Brien answered it.

"Hi boys," She said sweetly.

"Hi Mrs. O'Brien, is Charlie home?" Kyle asked.

"Yes, you three must be here about the trip to Greece. Come on in," She replied, waving an arm for them to come in which they did.

The living room was colourful and spotless as usual. However Mrs. O'Brien manages to make it stainless, the boys will never know.

"Hey boys," Mr. O'Brien said in the living room. He was reading a book to Becca, who waved at Cartman. Though they no longer lived together Becca still regarded Cartman as her big brother.

"If you're looking for Charlie, she's upstairs in her room, getting ready for the trip." He said.

"Okay, thanks," Said Stan and the boys headed upstairs.

"Seriously, they're total fags." Said Cartman.

"Cartman, shut up!" Hissed Kyle.

Charlie looked at the stuff she was taking with her to Greece. There was fresh clothes, sun cream, her pyjamas and her toothbrush.

"_Yeah, that should be enough." _She thought while straightening her stocking cap. She heard her door opening and saw her three friends entering her room.

"Honestly Charlie, you were adopted by the wrong parents," Said Cartman as he sat on the bed, "They are complete and total fags."

"Yeah, at least I have a dad and my new mom doesn't have sex with random people!" Charlie snapped.

"At least my mom isn't a psycho bitch like your old mom!"

"Shut up fatass!"

"If you're both done arguing about your parents, can we talk about the place we're going to in Greece?" Asked Stan, as he and Kyle also sat on the bed.

"Sure, what is the place?" Charlie asked.

"I did some research on the computer and we're going to Alethea." Kyle explained.

"Alethea?"

"It's a village that is somewhere near Mount Olympus. Apparently the people their take history seriously."

"What do you mean?"

"The villagers talk a lot about Greek Gods, they take extra care of some temple and they stay true to tradition. The main religion there is Gnosticism, which is a religion that existed long before Christianity. It really talks about the knowledge of spirituality and the release of some element in people."

Cartman burst out laughing after Kyle finished explaining, "You're all going to stay in a village of Greek, hippie fags! That's so fucking gay!"

"Dude, you're going too." Stan retorted. This caused Cartman to stop laughing immediately, "…Say what?"

"Yeah fatass. Our parents said that we have to come as well to comfort Kenny and that includes you."

"Are you fucking serious!?" Cartman asked, "I have to spend a few days in a village of fucking gay Greeks as well!?"

"That's right." Said Charlie, turning her attention to Stan and Kyle, "and our parents are right. We should do whatever we can to support our friend."

"As long as it doesn't make us look gay." Kyle remarked.

"Well way to go you guys," Cartman said angrily, "you assholes completely screwed me over. I thought I wasn't gonna go to this crappy trip and just when I was gonna rub it in your faces, you say I have to go as well! Got any books I could burrow Charlie? 'Cause I should at least be educated about something the next time you assholes decide to fuck me!"

Meanwhile, somewhere in Oregon, a group of theologists were exploring a field of some kind, trying to find anything that could be related to religion.

"Found anything yet?" A female theologist asked another theologist, while he was looking in a bush.

"Nothing yet…" He replied, until he spotted something beside a rock. He picked it up and realised it was a journal, which looked as if it was left there a long time.

"I found something. This could be it."

"About Goddam time. I thought we'd never get out of that craphole plane." Muttered Cartman as the parents and their kids arrived in Alethea. They found the village was quaint looking. It wasn't advanced like most towns, but it did have a modern feel to it and it wasn't big but it wasn't small either. There were no roads or cars, just pavements.

"Dude, this is like our town turned upside-down." Stan said to Kyle. At that moment a nun approached the group.

"Hello and welcome to Alethea," She said, "you all must be the ones who told about the funeral of one of our own."

"If you're looking for the body, they're still trying to get it out of the plane." Randy said plainly.

"…Right," The nun faltered slightly, "if you will all follow me, I will show to your hotel."

"Are there any cars, buses, something around here that's related to travel?" Randy asked desperately, as they followed the nun.

"We don't like using man-made objects that might harm the environment. Instead us Gnostics prefer to be one with nature and keep Alethea free from the ever changing world around us."

"Aw-awww!" cried Randy.

"I told you," Said Cartman, "this place is full of hippie fags."

When they reached the hotel they found that it was beautifully decorated with a balcony and columns to steady it. The inside was bright and colourful with the floors made of mahogany wood and the walls made from pure, white marble.

"My God, this is absolutely beautiful," Said Sharon, admiring the elegantly made paintings on the walls, "Who ever designed this hotel sure did it with care, certainly leaving nothing out, whatsoever."

"I can't believe they have no T.V. here." Randy grumbled.

"I am glad it is to your liking," The nun bowed slightly to Sharon but not taking glaring eyes off her husband, "however, I have a feeling that the owner will not be getting a check." Her eyes soften when she saw Carol. "Ah, you must be Caroline. I am sorry for the loss of your father. He was a good person."

"Oh? You knew my dad?" Carol asked.

"That's right. He was born and raised in this very village and like most of us, he was a Gnostic. That makes you Caroline, Greek by blood, and your children too."

"Eh, what does all this douchey stuff have to do with finding a snack here?" Cartman asked impolitely, receiving a glare from the nun.

"Well, we need to get to our rooms first Eric," Explained Sharon, "Stanley, why don't you and your friends go explore the village for a bit while we get our rooms ready. I'm sure there are some interesting sites worth seeing."

The boys and Charlie wondered around the village, trying to find something that's would be entertaining.

"This…is…bullcrap," Cartman said, "I fucking hate you guys so much right now. Especially you Kyle. I hate you the most."

"Oh yeah?! Well why don't you pick an idea to have fun fatass!"

"Screw you Jersey Jew!"

"Will you two quit arguing already?"

While the group were arguing, Stan bumped into a boy about their age. The two fell over from the impact.

"Holy shit dude!" Kenny yelled.

"Whoa Stan, are you alright?" Asked Charlie.

"Yeah I'm fine." Stan replied, getting up.

"I'm sorry about that," The boy said, also getting up, "I didn't see you there." The boy was the same height as the five friends with black, straight hair and slightly tanned skin. He wore a white t-shirt and pale grey pants. He looked to be a local here.

"Don't worry about it." Stan said.

"Are you the Americans who are staying a few days in our village?" The boy asked.

"Yeah and who the hell are you fag?" Asked Cartman.

"My name is Andrew," The boy replied, "As you can see, us Aletheans take tradition in high regard."

"Yeah, no wonder your village smells like the fucking middle ages." Said Cartman.

"Ignore the fatass. He's an idiot." Kyle said as he glared at the fat boy.

"Yeah well you may not realise it, but there's more to the history of our village then you think," Said Andrew, "if you have the time, I like to take you to the Alethean temple."

"…Alethean…temple?" Stan asked, confused.

" Yeah, it's just south of the village. If you have nothing to do, follow me to the temple."

Andrew walked on ahead of the group, who all exchanged glances before following the Greek boy to the temple.

Andrew led the South Park kids down the village to an area where it was more isolated. There they saw a giant Greek temple with a dome shaped roof and two columns at the front to steady it. It looked to be made of white stone with Greek symbols engraved at the helm of the roof.

"We're here." Said Andrew, looking at the temple with pride, "Gnostics take great pride in that temple because it's our most important historic landmark."

"I swear to God, if the story behind that stupid temple is nothing but crap, I'll make you eat your parents." Cartman muttered.

"What does the inside look like?" Asked Kenny.

"I'll show you."

Andrew led the others inside the temple, where they found it was surprisingly spaces. It was dark, only lit by several candles and the walls were covered with paintings carved into them. What the kids found unusual though was in the centre of the temple were four pedestals, each with different coloured symbols on them.

"Hey Andrew, what are those pedestals for?" Charlie asked.

Andrew frowned slightly when he saw the pedestals, "I'm not really sure myself. They have not been used in over two thousand years that us Aletheans have forgotten their purpose. We were more focused on keeping the history of the Alethean War alive."

"What the hell is the Alethean War?" Asked Kyle.

Andrew pointed to the paintings on the walls. "You see those paintings? Well they tell us the story of our village, our history. Among them is the Alethean War. You see, almost two thousand ago, when the Greek Empire still existed and we still looked to the Gods for guidance, our village was at war with what was left of Babylon."

"What was left?" Stan asked.

"Well either whole or little, we Gnostics aren't really sure if Babylon existed around the same time as the Greek Empire. Anyway, the villagers were at war with the Empire in the Middle East. We had many battles with their army, but the fiercest and important of these battles was the one that ended the war, the battle with the Tenebris."

"The Tenebris eh," Said Cartman, "Sounds like something you'd say after taking a dump."

"Aw dude, sick." Cried Stan.

"It's not sick, it's common sense."

"No, the Tenebris were evil knights of the Babylonians, who they used as a last resort on our village," Explained Andrew, "they were much stronger than ordinary knights our ancestors battled, more dangerous. They had the upper hand and the Aletheans were losing to them. They were close to invading our village when the Olympians intervened and chose one of our own to defeat the Tenebris and end the war."

Andrew then pointed to a painting of a woman, who had fair skin and bright olive green eyes that stared back at them. Her hair was long and wavy, brownish-red in colour. Her white dress went to her ankles and she carried what looked like a sword in her hands.

"Who's that?" Asked Kenny, staring the woman in his usual perverted manner.

"That's the saviour of our village; Sophia."

Cartman burst out laughing, "Your Gods got some bitch to save you all!? God, how much gayer could this place get!"

"Cartman shut the hell up!" Kyle shouted.

"Yes it's true that Sophia is a woman, but the Olympians saw great potential in her and the she had the motivation needed to end the war. They entrusted her with the sword in the painting that she will need on the Tenebris and, under their instructions, she led our ancestors in a successful battle against the Tenebris, killing the dark knights and ending the Alethean War once and for all."

"Wow dude." Said Stan.

"Whatever happened to Sophia after the war?" Charlie asked.

"She became a Gnostic Angel after she passed on, which wasn't very long ahead because she never made it passed thirty."

"Gnostic Angel?" Kenny asked.

"Gnostic Angels are deceased Greeks that do not go to the Underworld after they died but move on to a higher plain of existence in Olympus. They can only become Gnostic Angels if their hearts are good and if they did something that was out of pure selflessness. They're like the Christian version of angels, except more graceful and faster and they have the ability to travel between different worlds."

"…That…was without a doubt…the most retarded thing I have ever heard," Said Cartman, "I mean come on, no one gives a shit about Greek Gods anymore and the assholes here still believe in them, and the story about your war, that was stupid, fucking gay! Screw you buttholes, I'm going back to the hotel."

As Cartman left the temple, Andrew looked at the other boys, "I have a feeling your friend doesn't like it here very much."

"Yeah, the fatass complains about a lot of things." Stan said casually.

"The way he insulted our history and customs that makes him sound like a non-believer."

"He rips on a lot of customs, but that doesn't make him an atheist," Kyle explained. "He was a Catholic but changed to Judaism after trying to prove that some monster exists, but that didn't last long and the fat turd started ripping on me for being a Jew again."

"I suppose that means he is beyond redemption then," Said Andrew, "but the rest of you seem like thoughtful people. Are you willing to open your eyes to the cleansing truth of the Olympians' existence? If you want to of course, I won't force you to, the Gnostics aren't a forcing type."

"Sorry Andrew, but you're talking to the wrong girl," Said Charlie, "I don't believe in the Olympians."

Andrew gasped in shock at what the girl said, "You don't believe in the Olympians, how could you not believe in the Olympians?"

"It's not limited to them you know. I don't believe in the existence of _any _religious figure."

"You believe religious figures don't exist, but why, I mean, how can you not believe in them?"

"I'm sorry but I just don't see any proof that they do exist, I mean think about it, we have a solar system, but not any holy beings sitting on clouds."

"Okay, well what about the stories that talk about religious figures." Kenny asked.

Charlie walked towards the exit of the temple, "That's all they ever were Kenny, just stories." She said as she walked out of the temple.

"Wow dude, who would've thought," Said Stan, "Charlie not believing in holy beings."

"We have to prove to her that religious figures do exist," Andrew exclaimed, "the Gnostics were taught the religious knowledge of the Gods, we are one of the oldest religions still existing."

"Good luck with that," Said Stan, "if there's one thing you should know about us Americans, It's that we don't change our minds so easily."

Stan and Kyle were on their way to the exit when they spotted Kenny looking at a painting in the corner of the temple. The painting looked very faded, to the point where you can't actually see what's on it. Andrew and the two boys joined him.

"If you're wondering what that painting was," Andrew explained, "it was the first painting ever made in here. It originally showed the founder of our village but years of it fading made us forget what the person looked like, but we do know that it was the namesake of Alethea, anyway that's another story for another time and you need to join the others."

With that, the remaining friends left the temple to catch up with Charlie and Cartman.

The next day, the villagers were preparing the funeral. They set tables and chairs, placed benches at the cemetery and harvested lilies for the coffin. It was as if they knew what had happened and they prepared for it.

"My, you Aletheans certainly are resourceful." Sheila said, while holding Kyle's adopted, Canadian brother, Ike.

"Yes, well you have to be when you live in a community." The nun replied.

"Hey, do you know where the nearest beach is?" Asked Randy, who was wearing swim shorts and sun cream and holding an umbrella and a beach chair.

"Alethea isn't close to any beaches," The nun explained, "Alethea was built here, near Mount Olympus for the sole purpose that we remain forever loyal to the Olympians."

"…Well, this trip is just going to suck-ass."

"Randy!"

At that moment Kenny and Stan walked over to his parents with a black eye, "Mom, Shelly punched me in the eye."  
"Well, try not to get in her way sweetie. Carol, are you alright?" Sharon saw Kenny's mother walking over, looking frazzled.

"I'm not sure," She said, "I keep feeling like we've forgotten something on the trip."

"This place sucks!" Cartman whined, "There's no arcade, no game shop, there's not even a fucking KFC! This is not kewl!" of course nobody paid any attention to the fat boy.

"Has anyone seen Kyle?" Sheila asked.

"He wanted to spend time with Charlie, since they're together now," Said Kenny, "so they went off to some meadow. I didn't even know there was a meadow here."

"Ah, young romance," Sharon said absently, "reminds me of the time when we were their age Randy."

"…Young…," Carol muttered and then it suddenly hit her, "Oh my God. Oh my God, we left Karen behind!"

"What?!" Yelled Kenny.

"We left my only daughter and youngest child back in South Park!"

"Aw crap." Said Randy.

This caused Cartman to laugh, "Ha! Poor people are even stupider then Jews."

"What-what-WHAT?!" Shrieked Sheila.

Sheila's scream echoed across Mount Olympus, unaware that it was vaguely heard in the clouds that surrounded the tip of the mountain. Many people didn't realise it but those clouds contain the domain of the Olympians, the legendary Greek Gods. On top of those clouds, behind heavenly gates, stood many temples of the Olympians, but the one that should be focused on is the temple in the centre, with a glass roof to see a giant glowing blue sphere in the middle of the top of the temple. Inside the temple, in a room to the west, the leader of the Olympians, Zeus was hard at work until he thinly heard the scream.

"Huh…for a second there, I thought I heard someone scream." He said to himself. Just then he smelt burning smoke, "Aw Damn!"

He quickly removed the iron off the mortal he made himself, but it was too late. The mortal's face was fiercely disfigured and she spoke nothing but gibberish.

"…You know what? I'll put you in the Stone Age," Said Zeus as he activated the Time Portal, "You'll pass for hot, now get in the Time Portal."

The disfigured mortal went through the portal. After she left Zeus let out a deep sigh.

"Zeus!" A female voice caught his attention. Turning around, he saw that it was Hestia, the Goddess of the Home, standing near the doorway, "If you're finished making your own mortals, can you take a look at this."

Zeus followed Hestia to the sphere room, the meeting place for the Greek Gods. There he found that some of the other Olympians were there as well.

"What's wrong?" He asked. Zeus knew that if the Olympians were together in this room, it means that something wasn't right.

"We got a problem," The Goddess of Wisdom, Athena answered, while pointing to the sphere, "see for yourself."

Zeus looked at the sphere for a few minutes before a look of horror ran across his face, "That's impossible…"

"Apparently not," The God of Music, Apollo replied," Hermes is in the Mortal World right now as we speak, trying to gather more information."

"We have to do something about this." Apollo's twin sister, Artemis exclaimed.

"Well, what can we do?" Hephaestus asked, "We can't directly get involved with mortal affairs you know, not anymore at least."

"It's true, we can't but the half-mortals can." Everyone looked at Hestia.

"Half-mortals? You mean immortal humans?" Asked Zeus.

"That's right. Our agent told me about the half-mortals living in the American continent. There are a group of them who go around the world fighting evil and protecting innocents. According to our agent, these elite half-mortals call themselves the 'Super Best Friends'."

"Super Best Friends…" Zeus said thoughtfully, "I don't know."

"If it means stopping this crisis from worsening, we must put our faith in them." Athena said to Zeus.

"…All right, here's what we'll do; Hephaestus you alert our agent of the situation. Artemis, Apollo you two stay here and watch the sphere to see if anything comes up. I think the best thing to do for now is wait until Hermes comes back before making a plan."

The Olympians set to work on their tasks, while the rest parted to their temples.

"Maybe it's nothing serious," Said Demeter, "I mean it could be a bluff for all we know."

"It's no joke Demeter," Hestia replied, while looking back at the blue sphere, "the search for the Keeper of the Keystones and the Keystones themselves is nigh."

"And now, back to 'Jesus and Pals' on South Park Public Access." Said the TV Announcer.

"Yea, believe in me and yea shall peace." Jesus Christ said to his audience, "First caller, you're on the air."

"Eh, yeah is this Jesus?" The caller on his phone asked.

"Yes it is my child, tell your sister that she needs to use hot showers in moderation otherwise she'll get dry skin."

"Oh, okay thanks." Another caller answered the phone, "Hey Jesus, I have this cousin who has scoliosis and-"

"Make sure to take your cousin to the nearest hospital," Jesus replied, "just because you're Christian Scientists, doesn't mean you can't rely on prayers to heal illnesses all the time."

A third caller answered the phone, "Hello, is this Jesus and Pals?"

"It is my child, what question do you have?"

"Well this question is kind of about you." The caller said.

"Oookay," Jesus said slowly, "and what question is that?"

"Is this the Second Coming?"

"…What?"

"I'm just wondering if this is the Second Coming."

"No, as far as I know it isn't."

"But, if it isn't the Second Coming, how did you come back from Heaven"

Jesus frowned at the question, "Wait, what?"

"I'm just wondering what made you come down to Earth, if it isn't the Second Coming."

"Uh, well I…" Jesus struggled to find the answer himself. He never really thought about his second existence in Earth until now.

"Hey, I'm wondering that too." Someone in the audience replied.

"I want to know too."

"Yeah!"

Jesus quickly stood up from his seat, "Um, c-could you all excuse me for a minute…or an hour, depending on how long I'll be gone." With that, Jesus ran off the stage, leaving the audience to wonder what that was all about.

"Was that an answer?"

"I don't know."

"Hello?" Said the caller, "Am I still on? Hello?"

Butters looked at the ox staff on his bed. He managed to sneak it into his room without his parents noticing, which was good because if they found the staff, he would get a major grounding for sure.

Maybe it was just a fake staff, he thought, it couldn't be magic, there's no such thing as magic…is there?

"M-maybe I should just test it to see," He said, picking up the staff, "what's the worst that could happen?" He looked over the staff to see if there any instructions until he saw small writing engraved on the staff:

"_To summon the Prophet of Iran, say Vocare, Ianuae and Adducam in that order."_

"Golly, what a trio of fancy words," Said Butters, "might as well give it a try." He gripped the staff tightly and said the words instructed; "Vocare, Ianuae, Adducam."

The staff began to glow and crackle in his hands, scaring him slightly. Suddenly there was a bright light that filled his room. Butters had to close his eyes to avoid the light's glare. Through his eyelids he saw the light fade away, but he didn't open his eye.

"What the-? Where the hell am I?!"

Butters quickly opened his eyes at the sound of the unfamiliar male voice. If there was one thing that caught Butters by shock, it was the sight of an adult man looking around his room in confusion. The man had long brown hair and a brown beard, on his head was what looked like a small white turban. He wore a white shawl, which had a white cape underneath and white robes that went as far as his knees. There was a golden piece of fabric tied around his waist and he wore white trousers underneath the robes and black shoes. There was a halo around his head that glowed a fainted yellow.

Seeing a complete stranger in his room made Butters lose it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Butters' screams caught the stranger off guard and Butters darted out of his room as fast as he could.

Stephen and Linda Stotch arrived home just in time to find their son rushing out of the house.

"Oh for the love of Christ, not this again," Stephen muttered, remembering the last time Butters rushed out of the house like this, "Butters, we told you to stay in the house until we got back!"

"But dad, there's some strange fella in my room that I summoned-"

"You're exasperating Butters! Hightail it to your room now Mister!"

"B-but dad, what if I get abducted!?"

"Well would you rather get abducted or get grounded for making it up?"

"Oh hamburgers!" Butters screamed as he raced back into the house.

When he was gone Stephen turned to his wife, "Seriously Linda, you have got to stop giving him those pop tarts. It gives him hallucinations."

Butters slowly opened his bedroom door and looked around his room. No sign of the stranger so far. He tip-toed into his bedroom, trying not to make any sounds.

"_Nothing so far." _He thought. Just then he heard movement from inside his closet and tensed up.

"Tom Cruise, is that you?" Butters asked. The closet door then burst opened and some of Butters' old costumes came falling out and the stranger struggled out as well.

"Oh hamburgers!" Butters yelled when he saw the stranger exit the closet. He was just about ready to run out of his bedroom again.

"You're not gonna scream again are you?" The stranger asked, looking at Butters in annoyance.

"Please don't hurt me!" Pleaded Butters, "I didn't mean to use your staff, I swear!"

"My staff!" the stranger replied and his bright grey eyes immediately lit up when he saw the ox staff on the floor, "It's here! I haven't seen or used this thing in 64 years."

"64 years?" Butters asked, incredulous.

"Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. I look too young to be roughly 3000 years old," Said the stranger as he secured his staff in the golden fabric, "but that's what you get for being a religious figure. You remain completely ageless with the power to resurrect at will."

Butters worked forward slightly, "You're a…religious figure?"

"The praise, the worship, the respect, did you not see the freaking yellow disk around my head, jackass?"

Butters tilted his head slightly. This person doesn't seem bad, "Do you have a name."

The religious figure stared at Butters, "What the hell kind of question is that? Of course I have a name. The name's Zoroaster; founder of Zoroastrianism and prophet of Ancient Iran. At least I was until I was brought back to life 64 years ago." He replied bitterly.

"You were once dead?"

"Yeah," Answered Zoroaster sitting on Butters' bed and reminiscing, "I was killed during the time of the Golden Age, but for some reason I was given a second chance on earth 64 years ago. Of course, coming back to earth gave me immortality and the power of resurrection.

"Didn't you already have that when you were alive the first time?" Asked Butters.

"No, you see when you bring a religious figure back from the dead; they are given two gifts; immortality and resurrection. If we have immortality, we remain completely ageless, in adult bodies. If we have resurrection we have the ability to come back to life over and over and over again after we die, whether we get stabbed, crushed, sliced, run over, eaten-"

"I think I understand sir." Said Butters, looking freaked out at the things that could kill people.

"You know, that makes it almost impossible to kill us." Zoroaster replied.

"How come no one ever met you before?"

"Try asking that to the government," Zoroaster said bitterly, "it's thanks to them that I was locked away in the Pentagon shortly after I returned to existence. Been locked away from the public ever since, at least that was until you used my staff to get me out of there and into your bedroom Mister…"

"Oh my name is Leopold Stotch," Said Butters, "but everyone calls me Butters."

Zoroaster thought for a minute at what Butters said, "Why the hell do they call you Butters?"

"Uh…"

"No, that's important right now," Zoroaster said to himself, getting up from the bed, "now that I'm out I need to focus on finding him."

"Finding who?"

"This guy." Zoroaster showed Butters a picture of a man with glasses and wispy grey hair.

"Hey, that looks like Albert Einstein." Said Butters as he recognised the man in the picture.

"You know him?"

"Yeah, he's a really smart scientist."

"Did you also know that he's the reason why I was given a second existence?" Asked Zoroaster, which surprised Butters, "Yeah, I don't know how he did it, but this guy did something to bring me back to life and I'm determined to found out what it is."

"Well, maybe Jesus might know." Butter replied.

"Who's Jesus?"

"He's a religious figure like you. He the founder of Christianity and the Son of God. Perhaps he might be able to help you."

Zoroaster thought for a moment at what Butters said, "Alright, then let's go find him."

"Yeah-w-wait! I'm coming too? Butters asked incredulous.

"Well I'm definitely not asking you." Replied Zoroaster. Butters shook his head, "B-but sir, I can't go with you. I don't want to get into anymore trouble-"

"Hey, _you_ were the one who used my staff, so that makes _you_ involved in all this as well," Retorted Zoroaster, "either you help me find Jesus and Einstein or I'll make your life a living hell and let me tell you, having your life turned to hell by a religious figure is not pretty!"

"Aw hamburgers…" Whimpered Butters.

Kyle and Charlie sat on the ground on a small hill which caught the whole view of Alethea.

"You have to admit," Said Charlie, "when you get past the fact that this village lacks technology, it really is a nice place."

"Yeah," Kyle agreed, "thank God it's not like home."

"Kyle, do you have the picnic basket?"

Kyle stood up, "Yeah I left it over there." When he went for the basket his foot caught something and he fell over with a yelp. Charlie stood up and rushed to her boyfriend, "Kyle, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Answered Kyle. He got up and looked at the item that he fell over. Then he noticed something, the item was sticking out of the ground and was bright green. As if instinct told him to, Kyle began to dig up the item.

"Kyle, what're you doing?" Asked Charlie, but Kyle didn't answer. As soon as Kyle was finished, the girl saw in his hands a cube-shaped object, which glowed a bright green. There were symbols on the cube that neither the kids couldn't make out.

"What is that?" Charlie asked, completely dazzled by the colour of the cube.

"I have no idea, but we gotta keep it away from Cartman," said Kyle, knowing perfectly well what will happen if the fat boy discovered it. Just then as if on cue, Cartman, with Stan, Kenny and Andrew arrived.

"Ah, son of a bitch!" Yelled Kyle as they drew closer. It wasn't that he didn't want his friends around; he wanted to spend some time with his girlfriend.

"It's bad enough that we got a Jew from Jersey as a friend," Complained Cartman, "no way am I letting some Greek piece of crap hang out with us!"

"Hey! He's agreed to help us so don't rip on him fatass!" Stan yelled.

"Help with what?" Charlie asked.

"My sister got left behind back home." Explained Kenny.

"What?"

"Yeah, Kenny's parents are freaking out because of it." Stan said. He noticed the cube in Kyle's hands, "Dude what's that in your hands?"

"I don't know, I tripped over it when I was getting the picnic basket."

Andrew studied the symbols on the cube, "Based on the symbols on it, I'd say it's very valuable. You should keep it safe, away from greedy hands."

"If you like Kyle, I can keep the cube safe." Cartman replied, eying the cube.

"No way fatass, I know that you're just going to do something to it."

"Don't be ridiculous Kyle, I'm not going to sell it so I can get an iPad.

"Dude, you still want that?" Stan asked.

"I wasn't talking to you Stan, so Kyle, can I have the cube?"

"No!"

"God-dammit!"

Meanwhile at the South Park Bar, many drunks and rednecks were gathered there to have chats or share stories. The barkeep was serving drinks to a few patrons when he was approached by a red hared man with facial hair, an eye patch and a scar running through his left cheek. He wore a sleeve less shirt and trousers, with black boots for the feet.

"Hey, there stranger," The barkeep replied, "can I help with anything?"

"Hey! Eye patch!" Skeeter yelled as he approached the stranger, "We don't take kindly to your types in here!"

"Ah c'mon Skeeter," The barkeep cried, "thirteen years later and you still got that attitude. He ain't hurtin' anyone."

"No! I wanna know somethin' from Mr. Eye Patch here! If your types are prone to get injuries like the patch and scar, how come you don't see a doctor about them?!"

"Skeeter, I don't want any trouble."

"It's okay, I don't plan on staying long here," The stranger said calmly, "Name's Brutos. I was hired to hunt down beings called religious figures. Are there any religious figures in this town."

The barkeep thought for a minute, "Well there's a religious figure that lives in 80122, try finding him there. By the way, what happened to your eye?"

"Nothing is wrong with it," Answered Brutos, "It keeps me from wearing glasses."

"But Kyyyyllllllllee…"

"For the last time, no!"

Kyle and Cartman have been arguing over the cube for the whole walk back to the village that Stan, Charlie, Kenny and Andrew walked ahead of them.

"Do those two fight a lot?" Asked Andrew.

"More than you think." Stan answered. Just then helicopter blades were heard.

"Hey, what's that noise?" Kenny asked, and then a helicopter descended to the ground. The door opens to reveal an elegantly dressed man in black who wore a mask that covered his nose and eyes.

"Are you five the kids that live in South Park, Colorado?" The man asked the group to which they nodded the answer. He approached the group.

"Hello there, do you know who I am?"

"No." Kyle said bluntly.

"In that case, I am Dark Matter."

"…so?" Asked Stan.

"SO?! Uh, I mean, so I'm a very important person." Dark Matter said.

"Like John Elway?"

"What?"

"Do you know John Elway?"

"No!"

"Funny, you say you're important but you don't know John Elway," Said Cartman, "what an asswipe."

"Okay look, can we all focus on why I'm here, please?" Yelled Dark Matter, "Now, I understand that one of you kids found a peculiar looking cube somewhere around here. You all know what I'm talking about right?"

"Yyeeaahh." Said Kyle slowly.

"It was the Jew that found it," Cartman said, pointing to Kyle, "I offered to keep it safe but he said no."

"That's because you were going to sell fatass! You said so yourself!"

"It _doesn't _matter!" Screamed Dark Matter, he was on the verge of losing his patience, "Just tell me, did the cube you found had symbols engraved on it?"

"Yeah," Kyle said suspiciously, "How'd you know?"

"All right, this is very important," Replied Dark Matter as calmly as he could, "where is the Keystone of Babylon now?"

"Keystone…of Babylon?"

"Hey, why'd you want to know mister?!" Stan demanded.

"I wasn't talking to you kid!"

"Whoa dude." Said Kenny.

"God-dammit! Where is the Keystone?!" Dark Matter shouted, grabbing Kyle by his orange jacket and shaking him.

"Holy shit dude!" Said Stan.

"Hey let of him!" Charlie demanded, grabbing a hold of Kyle's foot.

"What seems to be the problem here?" A passing officer asked when he heard all the commotion.

"Problem? Er, no problem at all." Said Dark Matter as he hastily put Kyle down, "I was just introducing myself to these charming young children."

"Nu-uh, this guy is being a complete psycho!" Cried Cartman.

"Yes, well we were just leaving." Andrew said as he ushered the others to follow him back to the hotel, away from this mysterious stranger. When they left Dark Matter turned to the officer.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Do _you_ know who I am?"

The officer looked at Dark Matter up and down, "Well you're not Zack Effron and if you're not Zack Effron then I do not care."

"FUCK!" Dark Matter screamed before walking off in a huff.

"…Whoa what a psycho." Said the officer.

"_Lu lu lu, I've got some apples, lu lu lu you got some too-"_

"I swear to God, if you don't stop singing that annoying song, I'll shove my staff up your ass." Zoroaster muttered, which caused Butters to immediately stop singing, "Do you even know where we are?"

"Yeah, this is my friend; Kenny's neighbourhood." Butters answered happily to the poverty stricken neighbourhood.

"Bit of an eyesore, don't you think?" Asked Zoroaster as he looked around in disgust. He was born in an ancient Iranian village that didn't relay on technology which was in better shape than this.

"Yeah, it's not much to look at, but Kenny's family do seem to be content with their lifestyle." Said Butters. Just then a cry was heard from one of the front yards of the houses. It sounded like a girl's cry. Deciding to investigate Zoroaster walked to where the cry was coming, with Butters right behind. After exploring several front yards they approached Kenny's house where they found a little brown haired girl, wearing a green coat.

"Hey that's Kenny's little sister Karen." Said Butters. The sound of his voice alerted Karen of his and the prophet's presence.

"B-butters?" She sniffled.

"Hi Karen, I thought you were in Greece with your family."

This made Karen cry again, "I think they forgot about me." She said between tears.

"What kind of parent would forget their kids?" Zoroaster asked.

"Well, Karen doesn't get a lot of appearances, so it was bound to happen." Explained Butters as he comforted Karen. Zoroaster sighed, he didn't want to bring another kid with him, given his limit was already one, but he didn't want leave the girl on her own either.

"Ah, fuck me…" He muttered to himself.

"It sure was good of you to let Karen come with us," Said Butters as he held Karen's hand, "you can be very nice if you try."

"Let's just focus on finding this Jesus guy," Said Zoroaster as he looked around a massive park, "What is this place anyway?"

"This is Stark's Pond," Answered Butters, "this is where I usually go to play sometimes, and mostly by myself."

"Right, well let's see if we can ask more people about Jesus." Said Zoroaster and he then turned to the nearest passer-by, "Eh, excuse me, sir, have you seen someone by the name of Jesus?"

"No, sorry."

"Dammit! That's the eighth passer-by with the same response."

"Now what do we do?" Asked Butters.

"I think we're gonna have to find Einstein without Jesus," Said Zoroaster, "besides we'd be better off without, I mean it's not like we need him to save the world." He looked at the passer-by standing beside. Zoroaster didn't know why but there was something off about this person, something…abnormal, like he seen him before.

"You eh, you look familiar, have we met before?" He asked the passer-by who just shrugged, "Did you protest against the Vietnam War?"

"No."

"Were you a former manager of John C. Reilly?"

"No."

"Huh…Are you one of the Greek Gods?" Zoroaster asked that question out of nowhere.

"What-no!"

Zoroaster gasped, "Oh my God, you are! You're one of the Greek Gods!"

"He's a God?" Asked Butters.

"No I'm not!" The passer-by insisted, "I'm just some random guy that you're talking to!"

Zoroaster wasn't convinced, "Well then," he turned to the lake, "I suppose you won't mind if I dry up the whole lake in this park, which I know is impossible to someone you isn't a Supreme Being-"

"Don't-!"

"Ah-hah!" Zoroaster exclaimed, pointing to the passer-by, "You _are _a Greek God!"

The passer-by sighed, "You caught me. I am one of the Greek Gods."

"Wh-what? Oh hamburgers!" Exclaimed Butters.

"Oh my God, a Greek God, an actual Greek God!" Cried Zoroaster, barely containing his excitement.

"What does that mean?" Asked Butters.

"It means we'll witness the return of the ancient empires. Greek, Egyptian, Indian, all the empires that were wiped out. We'll be thrown back in to the Dark Ages, when science was repressed. It'll be the return of the Golden Age.

"Oh hamburgers."

"Will you both keep it down," The Greek God hissed, "this isn't the return of the Golden Age."

"It's not?" Asked Zoroaster.

"No."

Karen approached the God, "Are you really a Greek God?" She asked with innocent eyes.

"That's right," He replied, "my name is Hermes, one of the Olympians."

"The Messenger God." Replied Zoroaster, "If this isn't the return of the Golden Age, then what are doing in our world?"

"Just because mortals no longer worship us, doesn't mean we can't stop watching out for them. You see, me or one of the other Greek Gods pop into the Mortal World every once in a while, kind of incognito just to check up on the mortals and make sure things are running smoothly, but making sure not to get directly involved in their affairs."

"That makes sense." Said Butters.

"You three are the first mortals to recognise one of the Greek Gods in over 2000 years," Said Hermes, "not counting our agent of course."

"I'm a religious figure actually." Zoroaster corrected Hermes, which caused him to look at him sharply.

"A religious figure? As in a half-mortal?"

"If you mean an ageless human that can't die then yes, I'm a half-mortal."

"We're trying to look for another half-mortal," Said Butters, "his name is Jesus."

Meeting Hermes for the first time gave the prophet an idea, "That's it! Why didn't I think of it before? I'll use my staff to teleport us to Jesus."

"Teleport us?" Asked Butters worriedly.

"Yeah, it's faster than checking this whole town to find him," He replied, "Alright, everyone gather close to me."

Butters was reluctant to do that.

"Come on, it's not gay, it's how I'm supposed to teleport other people." Said Zoroaster.

"Can I come with you?" Hermes asked, "I like to meet Jesus myself."

"Help yourself." When everyone was near Zoroaster he used his staff to teleport the group out of Stark's Pond, unaware that a nearby man, sitting on a bench watched the scene in surprised shock.

"Aw man, I gotta lay off the booze." He murmured to himself.

Jesus paced around the living room in his home, trying to figure out the answer about his second existence. If this wasn't the Second Coming, then what is he doing back on earth? Was it a premature revival or was something else about to happen. His thoughts were cut short when a flash of light appeared. Jesus yet out a yelp of surprise when the flash came and gone again in a heartbeat, revealing the strangest group he'd ever seen.

"Ah geez, I don't feel so good." Moaned Butters as he clutched his stomach.

"Yeah, teleportation can have its ugly moments." Zoroaster explained.

"Um…can I help you people with anything?" All eyes lay on Jesus when they heard his voice.

"It's Jesus, we found him!" Butters said happily, forgetting the pain in his stomach.

"That's Jesus?" Zoroaster asked.

"Yup, hi Jesus, sorry if we came into your home without knocking but we kind of need your help, my name is-"

"Leopold Stotch, but you're nickname is Butters," Jesus finished the sentence, "I know who you are my child. Like I know that the little girl hiding behind you is Karen McCormack."

"He's sharp, I can tell," Zoroaster said to Hermes before turning to Jesus, "anyway we need your help with something, it kind of a long story."

"I'm honestly in no rush." Jesus said simply.

"…Really, well okay, it all started like this…"

One long story later.

"…so you see Jesus, that's how I got into the puffball's room and decided to find you so you may help us find Einstein."

"Wow," Said Jesus, "well what you say does sound desperate but you may not know this but Albert Einstein is no longer among the living."

A long silence filled the whole room, "…Say what?" asked Zoroaster.

"Einstein has been dead since 1955."

"Zoroaster stared in disbelief at Jesus, "You're kidding right?"

"No. How did you not realise that when you yourself said you existed on this planet for 64 years?" Jesus asked incredulously.

"I just presumed that he was a religious figure like you and me!"

"He's not a religious figure."

"God-dammit Butters, you sent me on a wild goose chase!"

"Aw hamburgers…"

"Well between you two," Hermes intervened, looking at the two religious figures, "I'd say it's likely that Jesus is one of the half-mortals, I've been sent to find."

Zoroaster looked at him, "Sent? Find?"

"Who's he?" Jesus asked, pointing at the messenger God.

"Oh, so you know the names of kids, but you don't the names of Greek Gods?" Zoroaster asked Jesus.

"Maybe this will help" Said Hermes, taking a few steps back from them. He snapped his fingers and instantly he was wearing a light blue robe, complete with his winged helmet and sandals.

"Oh, now I recognise him." Said Jesus.

"Yeah, good for you, but what did you mean when you said that you were sent to find Jesus?" Zoroaster asked Hermes.

The Messenger God sighed, "Alright I haven't told you the real reason why I'm in the Mortal World. I wanted to wait until we found Jesus, and now that he's here I'll tell you," He looked at Butters and Karen, "Can these kids be trusted in helping us?"

"I think that at this point, only the kids can be trusted in this town." Jesus said plainly.

Hermes thought for a moment about what Jesus said, "Alright well here's the story. The Olympians believe that a great crisis is developing in this world. We think that it originated somewhere in this country. We knew that unless something is done about it, the crisis will spread to the rest of the world. In order to find more information about it, they sent me to investigate, while at the same time look for a group of half-mortals."

"What type of half-mortals?" Asked Butters.

"Half-mortals who are called the Super Best Friends." Hermes Answered. With those last words Jesus fell from the seat he was sitting on.

"Y-you know about us?" Jesus asked in shock. What Hermes said was completely uncalled for.

"Yeah, our agent told Hestia about you."

"Your agent?"

"A mortal who works for us and who we are in constant contact with," Hermes explained, "he's someone who does undercover work for us Gods."

"And he knows about the Super Best Friends?"

"That's right."

"Alright, can we time out for a minute?" Zoroaster asked, "I'm just wondering, who's your agent and who're these 'Super Best Friends'?"

"We can't really say the name of our agent," Said Hermes, "there are some names in this world that we can't say.

"As for the Super Best Friends," Jesus sighed, "it's a long story. You see the Super Best Friends is a superhero organization, composed of the leaders of the world's leading religions."

"Wait, there's _more_ of us out there?" Asked Zoroaster.

"That's right. We go around the world protecting it from evil."

"…Let me get this straight," Zoroaster said slowly, "you are friends with other religious figures, despite the fact that people use our religions as excuses for war and fighting?"

"We're more than friends, we're Super Best Friends."

"…What's the difference?"

"Wow, I sure wish the world would live in religious harmony the way you and your religious buddies do." Said Butters.

"Maybe someday My Child, maybe someday."

"And that might never happen if we don't stop this possible crisis," Hermes replied, "Jesus can you take us to the place where the Super Best Friends live?"

"Ah, I don't know…" Jesus said slowly, "much has changed since we were last shown. Our numbers have decreased and a lot of us are afraid of causing controversy after the…incident."

Look, Jesus," Hermes began, "this world could be in possible danger and we need the Super Best Friends to save it. We really need your help in this."

Jesus looked at the people around him and sighed. It's true that the Super Best Friends protect the world, but things were different now. But if Hermes said there was a crisis he knew what he must do.

Brutos arrived at the house he was told a religious figure lived. If there was a religious figure in there he knew that he must do what he was hired to do: kill it. He took out a bazooka and was about to open the door when it flew open, flinging Brutos into the brick wall.

"So, we're going over there, right?" Zoroaster asked as he exited the house first, "to this place where the Super Best Friends live?"

"That's the plan." Jesus answered, joining Zoroaster with Butters, Karen and Hermes behind him.

"Where is it exactly?" Asked Butters.

"Neither of you are members, so I can't tell you the location, but I can tell you that the Hall of the Super Best Friends is in a state further north of Colorado, in its capital."

"…It's somewhere in Helena in Montana, isn't it?" Asked Zoroaster.

A stunned look appeared on Jesus' face, "Was that…?"

"A complete guess? Yes it was." Answered Zoroaster as he walked off to the airport, followed by Butters, Karen and Hermes, leaving Jesus glued to where he was.

"…Dammit!" Jesus cried as he caught up to the others, unaware of Brutos coming from behind the door with a bloody nose and falling flat on his face, unconscious on the ground.

Stan was on the balcony, watching the night sky. He admits that with all the stars out it was beautiful; you don't get that a lot back home.

"You know that you shouldn't try staying up late son." Stan turned to see his father Randy holding a beer and having trouble keeping his balance.

"Dad, are you drunk?" Stan asked.

"Gettin' drunk on holidays is what dads do Stanial." Randy slurred. It was definitely obvious that he had one too many.

"How did you even get beer? I thought they didn't have any in this village."

"I smuggled some beer back at the airport."

"You smuggled-"

"Yup, I smuggled," Randy said proudly, "Don't tell your mom though."

Stan closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. Of all the dads he could've had, his just had to be a complete idiot. Just then there was a knock on the door.

"Hello Stan? It's me Kyle." His best friend's voice replied on the other side. Stan went to open the door for him. "Hey dude."

"Hey, can I hide out here for the night?" Kyle asked.

"Is it the fatass?"

"He won't stop bothering me about this," He showed Stan the cube he found earlier, "it's really starting to piss me off."

"Don't worry about tellin' your parents about where you are I'll call 'em," Randy waddled to the two boys, "You two remind me of when Gerald and I were kids. Hey, did I ever tell you about Simon Nicoles?"

"Who?" Stan asked.

"In that case, let me tell you," He ushered Stan and Kyle to sit down, "Simon Nicoles was a kid who went to school with us. We were all your age back then, of course, we didn't stay in the fourth grade for twelve years, anyway Simon Nicoles was one of our classmates and let me tell you he was a giant douche bag."

"Like Cartman?" Asked Kyle.

"Yeah like Cartman, except he wasn't a sociopath, he was a real teacher's pet. He would tell on us if we did something wrong, he'd remind us of getting to class on time and he would gloat that his grades were better than ours. The guy was a total suck-up. So after a while we all finally had enough and me and my classmates devised a plan to give Nicoles a taste of his own medicine."

"What did you do?" Asked Stan.

"You know how back home, everyone is a fan of the Denver Broncos?" Randy asked the boys, which they nodded in response.

"Well Nicoles was no exception. He would collect Denver Bronco cards at any chance he'd get, and it was the perfect way to play a prank on him. We had Kenny's dad tell him that there were Denver Bronco cards in some woods near South Park. He apparently fell for it as he spent three days in that woods looking for those cards and when he did find the box that he thought contained the cards, it was empty."

"…Dude…weak." Said Stan, "So, what happened to this Nicoles guy."

"Well apparently, the prank we played on him proved to be one prank too far, because Nicoles was sent to a mental asylum two days later. Whelp, that's it, that's the story, "Randy stood up, "You two boys have a good sleep…" Almost immediately after he said that, Randy fell on the floor and fell fast asleep.

"Dude, your family is fucked up." Kyle said.

"I know." Said Stan

"What're you looking at Charlie?" Kenny asked Charlie the next day when they were on the outskirts of the village.

"It's a map of Alethea," Charlie explained, "I'm looking for someplace worth going to, someplace that me and Kyle can spend time together."

"Speaking of your boyfriend, here he comes." Kenny pointed to the approaching Kyle with an irritated look on his face, along with Stan, Cartman and Andrew.

"Please Kyle? Can you give me the cube? Pllleeeaaassseee?"

"Shut. Up. Cartman! I am _not _giving you the cube and I am _never _giving you the cube!" Kyle shouted at the fat boy.

"Kyle doesn't want to give you the cube fatass." Charlie added.

"Hey, I don't take orders from a stupid bitch!"

Just then a black car rolled in, beside the six kids. Stepping outside was Dark Matter wearing a Groucho Marx face mask, "Hello there. How are you young kids today?"

"Fine." Stan said bluntly. Neither of the kids recognised him.

"That's great. My name is Doctor...Swollenthighs. I heard that one of you kids found my cube."

"_Your _cube?" Charlie asked.

"Yes, you see that cube is part of my liver dialysis machine. I'm glad you found it because without that cube, my patient was sure to die within hours."

"Oh no!" Cried Cartman, "I discovered the cube first, that means _I'll _decide what I want to do with!"

"_I_ found it fatass!" Yelled Kyle.

"Fuck you Jew!"

"I'll give you kids a cash reward for finding it," Said Dark Matter, "It's worth a lot of money you know."

"Is It?" Asked Cartman, suddenly taking an interest in the adult.

While they were all talking, none of them noticed Kyle's brother Ike walking up to Dark Matter's car, opening the boot of the car, hoping in and closing the boot.

"I poop my pants." Ike said inside.

"Hey, no wonder that Dark Matter guy wanted the cube so bad." Said Stan.

"Oh, and who might this Dark Matter be?" The adult asked.

"Oh just some really _really _old dude who wished he was thirty again." Kyle said casually. The kids laughed, unaware that Dark Matter's hands were turning into fists.

"I bet the reason he wears a mask is to hide a giant zit on his." Cartman laughed, only for Dark Matter to become more angry.

"Yeah," Charlie agreed, "and talk about a complete psycho, never before have I seen-"

"**SHUT UP!**" Screamed Dark Matter, which caused the kids to look at him in silent shock.

"So anyway," Said Dark Matter, trying to control his temper, "if you will all come with me in my car, I'd like to take you all back to my headquarters in America where I'll kill you-I mean give you money for the cube."

"Sweet! I'm finally gonna get an iPad," Said Cartman as he got in the car, "dude this is totally tits. Hey, aren't you assholes gonna come in?!"

"I don't know," Stan said cautiously.

"If it's any assurance, this car can literally fly," Dark Matter said, "it was designed to, so I'll take you all back to America and back here before your parents find out."

"Whatever happened to not going into cars with strangers?" Asked Charlie.

"Not when there's money involved bitch." Said Cartman, "No come on, I want that iPad!"

The kids walked towards the car, "You coming Andrew?" Kenny asked.

"W-wait, I'm coming too? I don't know if I should-"

"Dammit, would you get in the fucking car!" Cartman cried, "I want that iPad and I want it now!"

"Okay, we're here." Jesus said as the group arrived at the Hall of the Super Best Friends.

"About fricking time," Zoroaster muttered, "I honestly thought it was much further away than this."

"By golly, it looks just like the one from the cartoon shows." Said Butters, recognising the stone and glass building from shows he watched on TV.

"I don't think I saw those shows," Said Jesus, "anyway we should head inside. The others are waiting for us."

As the group head inside the base, they failed to see a group of figures hiding behind trees, waiting to capture them when they least expect it.

Zoroaster looked around the room they were in. It had a table in the middle with chairs and a giant computer at the end, "I gotta admit Jesus, you all know how to live in style."

"I was half thinking of remodelling the room but I'll have to know what the others think…" Jesus frowned slightly as he looked around the empty room, "wherever they are."

"You're sure that this is where you all live?" Asked Hermes.

"I'm sure. Hello?" Jesus called out, "Anyone here?"

"Maybe they got delayed?" Butters suggested.

"You can't delay a Super Best Friend," Jesus said, "that doesn't even make sense."

"How many of you did you say there were?" Asked Hermes.

"There's five of us," Jesus answered, "it used to be seven but some of us were forced to move to different branches by the Order of Religion after the incident." He called out again, "Hello?!"

"Jesus, is that you?" A male voice echoed from a corner of the room.

"What the hell is _that_?!" Zoroaster cried as the group tuned to an orange and yellow energy being. Jesus sighed in relief when he saw the being, "Moses thank God, you're still here."

"I never leave this place you dumbass." The energy being replied.

"Is anyone going to tell me what this is?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Everyone, this is Moses," Explained Jesus, "He's the prophet of Judaism and the supercomputer of the Super Best Friends. Moses this is Zoroaster, the prophet of Ancient Iran, Hermes, the Greek God of Messages, Leopold 'Butters' Stotch and young Karen McCormack."

"Pleasure to meet you all." Said Moses.

"Why am I getting the feeling that we may need him for later on?" Zoroaster said to himself.

"Moses, where are the other Super Best Friends?" Jesus asked urgently. If the others weren't around, it means that something bad must have happened to them.

"Do you remember, about a year ago when you went to Paris to help cure its population of the swine flu?" Moses asked.

"Yeah, I'm still trying to recover my ability to make miracles after that."

"Well, during the time that you were in Paris, the Super Best Friends received a distress call from an anonymous source. They were assigned a mission by this source, but he never explained the full details of the mission.

"Why didn't they tell me about it?" Jesus wondered aloud.

"They felt that you didn't want to get distracted from helping the French."

"And they hadn't returned yet from the mission?"

"I think it's more like they disappeared rather than not returned. I'm unable to track them down and I haven't heard any word from them. Most of the other branches are too busy to help me find them."

"How can you do that when you don't have a body?" Asked Zoroaster.

"You know, I _used _to have one!"

"Sure you did." Zoroaster said sarcastically.

"Did they leave any messages on the computer before they vanished?" Jesus asked.

"Well, there is one word message on the computer, but I can't make it out." Said Moses. Jesus rushed to the giant computer and switched it on, looking for any recent messages on it, "Do you know who sent it?"

"Before disappearing, Krishna left the message for you in case you arrive here." Said Moses.

"Krishna? As in, Hindu deity Krishna? He's a Super Best friend too?" Asked Zoroaster as he joined Jesus.

"That's right," Said Jesus, "found it." He opened the message from his missing comrade to find a peculiar word staring back at the two religious figures; Nolybab.

"Nolybab…either the guy doesn't know how to type or he's trying to pull our legs." Said Zoroaster.

Jesus shook his head, "No, Krishna's definitely trying to tell us something, it could be the location of where they are.

"Uh-huh, Do you know of any city, country, maybe even a continent that's called 'Nolybab'?"

"Well, maybe if we look at the word a different way."

"How, by spelling it backwards or something?"

Jesus opened his mouth to speak when there was a high-pitched scream that sounded disturbingly like Butters, "Please tell me that was the girl screaming." Zoroaster half-hoped.

"Oh my God!" Jesus looked around the room in panic, "Where's Hermes, Butters and Karen?!"

"I don't know, but I'm certain that they're outside because that scream came from outside." Said Zoroaster as he and Jesus ran out of the Hall of the Super Best Friends.

"Butters?! Karen?!" Jesus called out as he and Zoroaster went outside.

"And Hermes." Zoroaster said calmly, but Jesus ignored him.

"I can't find them anywhere," He said, "something must have happened to them."

Zoroaster then noticed a footprint in the ground which he inspected, "Hold your horses Jesus, I know what happened to them; they were kidnapped."

"What?"

"That's right. Based on the crooked lining of this footprint we were being followed here and when we were inside our followers kidnapped the others while the two of us were trying to figure out the message. There was a struggle, which during it Butters screamed which alerted us outside to this footprint, and based on the direction that it's pointed, beside that tree over there our followers are headed to Denver, the capital of Colorado."

"…You figured all that out from looking at a footprint?" Jesus asked incredulously.

"When you've been in government lockdown for as long as I have, you either learn random stuff or you go stir crazy." Said Zoroaster.

Meanwhile, at the Pentagon, an emergency meeting was held there.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Began the General, "I have dire news. At 1400 hours our most locked away discovery…was broken out." There was a wave of shock amongst the officials."

"Broken out? How is that possible?"

"Was there an accomplice outside the Pentagon perhaps?"

"We checked the cell of our discovery," A specialist replied, "There were no signs of escape routes or a break in, so we can only presume that our discovery was…teleported out.

The officials murmured amongst themselves at what the specialist said.

"The government relied on us to keep that discovery hidden," The General said, "that discovery has been with us for 64 years and now that very same discovery is somewhere in the outside world, trying to adapt to our time."

He addressed the officials, "Gentlemen, I'm afraid it's only a matter of time…until religious figures start to run wild."

"God-dammit Cartman!" Screamed Kyle. Rather than given a reward for finding the cube, the kids were taken to an unknown building in Denver and tied up by Dark Matter, "This is exactly why we shouldn't listen to you. You're always dragging us into situations like this!"

"Seriously Kyle," Cartman said coolly, "can we have just one time when we're captured by random people that you don't criticise me?"

"As a whole, we get in danger way too often." Said Stan.

"There sure are a lot of people here," Said Andrew, taking in the room they were trapped in, "Who are they?"

"They're people who work for me," Explained Dark Matter as he walked into the room, "You see, we are all part of an organisation that has one goal and goal only. For some of you that didn't know this building is full of atheists and atheists alone."

"God-dammit, not another fucking atheist group!" Cried Cartman, remembering his time travel experience when he went to a future where only atheism was the dominant 'religion' and there were many atheist groups at war with each other.

"Our goal is to get rid of all religions and make atheism the true dominant…well…whatever you call it," Said Dark Matter, "I doubt it's a religion, but I don't know what it really is. Our organisation is called the U.A.M."

"U.A.M?" Charlie asked.

"United Atheist Movement," Said Dark Matter before rounding on the kids, "of course in order to make our dreams a reality, we need certain…cubes, and now that I have you all here, I'd love you to tell me where the remaining Keystones are."

"_Remaining _Keystones?" Kenny asked.

"Yes, remaining Keystones," Dark Matter spat impatiently, "if you all found one, then you're bound to have found the others as well."

"Ho, know," Said Cartman, "finders-keepers."

"Tell me now!"

"Look dude," Stan tried to reason with the adult, "we honestly don't have the other Keystones, we didn't even know there were other Keystones."

Dark Matter stared at the kids. He wasn't convinced that they didn't have the other Keystones, "If that's how you want it, then it's time for drastic measures." He walked towards a giant screen and pushed a button. On the screen appeared a pig with a collar around its neck.

"Anyone recognise this pig?" Asked Dark Matter.

"Hey Cartman, isn't that the same pig that we made have sex with an elephant?" Kenny asked the fat boy.

"Why it's Fluffy!" Cartman said with delight, "She must have come to rescue us! Hey Fluffy, can you hear us? It's your owner Eric! Can you come down here and save us from this asshole!?"

"Hey, what's that big thing around her neck?" Charlie noticed the collar around the pig's neck. Just looking at it gave her a bad feeling that they weren't going to be saved.

"Let me show you." Dark Matter pushed another button. If was as if it happened in slow motion, Fluffy's head instantly exploded, her blood, flesh and brains flying everywhere, right before their eyes.

"OH MY GOD! FLUFFY NO!" Shrieked Cartman in absolute horror at what happened to his pet.

"Holy shit dude!" Yelled Stan, equally shocked at what happened.

Cartman glared daggers at the villain, "What the hell did you do!?"

"I killed your pig," Dark Matter said coldly, "and she's the lucky one 'cause she went first. The same thing might happen to one of you if you don't tell me the location of the other Keystones."

"We _don't_ have them!" Kyle yelled desperately.

"You know, I'm still going to keep you all here until you tell me," Then a cruel smile appeared on Dark Matter's lips that was unsettling, "of course, we all know that you should do the smart thing and tell me. We wouldn't want you all to end up like the old fashioned holy beings now would we?"

Stan and Kyle looked at each other and thought about what the villain just said, both of them had a wave of panic creeping over them, knowing perfectly well who Dark Matter was talking about.

"Eh, s-sir, can you let us go, please?" In a different part of the building, Butters and Karen were being held hostage by several atheists in a room with what looked like, some type of portal in the centre.

"Oh, no you don't!" One atheist answered, "You two aren't going anywhere until the religious figures show up!"

"Ah jeez," Butters muttered as he comforted a crying Karen, "why does stuff like this happen to me, every time I help somebody?"

"At least you get to go home after this." Another atheist replied.

"And that's gonna come a lot sooner than you think!" A voice answered and everyone in the room looked to the entrance to find Jesus and Zoroaster near the door.

"How the hell did you two get in the building past the guards?!" Asked a third atheist incredulous.

"There's a reason why fire is worshipped in my religion." Said Zoroaster, blowing what looked like smoke off his staff.

"Well, now that you're here…" The atheist leader turned to the others, "throw them in the portal!"

"W-wait, what?!" Butters asked in panic.

"This was our plan;" The atheist explained to Butters, "we use you two kids as bait to lure the religious figures to us, so at the right moment, we can capture them and throw them in the portal, which will take them to a different country somewhere in the world."

Zoroaster pointed his staff towards the atheists, "If you think I'm gonna surrender quietly to you faithless fuckers then you're out of your mind!"

As he said it, the atheists in the room were set on fire. They screamed in pure horror, trying to put out the fire.

"You know it isn't that bad," Said Jesus, "those are just flames."

"Yes, but they can grow with my approval," Zoroaster explained, unaware that he aimed his staff at the portal and a fireball burst out of the staff to the portal. The fireball hit the portal and it crackled slightly. This caught the attention of the two religious figures and the kids and the flames on the atheists ceased.

"This cannot be good." Jesus said as he looked at the portal crackle and then activate a swirling blue fog in its middle.

"That's bad, definitely bad!" Cried Zoroaster, when he and Jesus were pushed aside by the atheists who were all fighting to escape the room. Jesus and Zoroaster ran to Butters and Karen.

"I think-I think we should get out of here!" Said Butters, but the need to escape came too late. It was like being sucked by a vacuum. The group were being dragged towards the portal.

"I think…we're not gonna…stay here for long…" Said Zoroaster as he planted his feet firmly on the ground. He saw items getting sucked into the portal. Including books, planks, pennies, silverware and other random things…and Karen.

"Oh crap!" Jesus yelled trying to catch her but in the process lost his grip on the pole he was holding on to and got sucked into the portal as well.

Using what little energy he had left, Zoroaster used his staff to create a shield around himself and Butters.

"It won't hold for long," Zoroaster explained, "using magic takes up a lot of energy."

"Shouldn't you use it to bring them back?" Butters asked, "Or use it to stop that bookshelf that's coming straight towards you?"

"Bookshelf?" Zoroaster turned his too late to see a bookshelf, bigger than him flying at furious speed straight towards him. The bookshelf hit the prophet and knocked him unconscious, allowing the portal to carry him towards it.

"Oh hamburgers!" Butters cried as he saw the bookshelf and Zoroaster get sucked into the portal and soon he also lost his grip on the pole, leaving him to the same faith as his comrades.

"Holy beings aren't real," Charlie said to Dark Matter, "there's no proof of any kind that they're real."

"Ever heard the saying 'you can't believe everything you've been told'?" The villain asked as he set up a music player and took out a disc.

"Dude, what're you doing?" Asked Kenny.

"If you all aren't gonna tell me the truth, then I'm gonna force it out of you," Dark Matter put the disc in the music player and held his finger on the play button, "this song belongs to South Park's most hated female singer, the same singer who destroyed your town twice. Can you all tell me who that singer is?"

It didn't take for Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny to have looks of horror come across their faces. They knew very well who the villain was talking about.

"You wouldn't…" Whispered Stan.

"Let's find out." Dark Matter pressed the play button and instantly the room was filled with slow, classical music.

_Don't tell me not to live,_

_Just sit and putter,_

The four boys yelled out in pain at the sound of the song.

"Ah dude, that's horrible!" Cried Kyle.

_Lifes candy and the suns_

_A ball of butter._

"Turn it off!" Pleaded Stan, "Please turn it off!"

_Don't bring around a cloud_

_To rain on my parade._

"That's right," Dark Matter said gleefully, "no one born in South Park can stand listening to the music of Barbra Streisand."

"Make it stop!" Yelled Cartman, "Seriously, make it stop!"

"Oh, I will," Said Dark Matter, "just as soon as one of you spill the beans on where you've stashed the Keystones."

"Dude, c'mon. They're really suffering!" Pleaded Charlie.

"Which one of you kids will snap first?" Dark Matter wondered aloud, ignoring the girl, "My money's on the fat kid."

"I'm not fat!" Screamed Cartman.

At that moment, the door burst open, its hinges falling off. The atheists and Dark Matter turned to find a pink-haired woman with a dead fetus attached to the side of her face entering the room with what looked like, explosives in her hands and on her belt.

"Hey! Atheists!" The woman shouted, "Leave those kids alone!"

"Nurse Gollum!" Kyle cried, shocked to find the school nurse carrying explosives and facing the bad guys in badass motion.

"Oh great, it's one of those religion loving jackasses." Dark Matter muttered.

"We don't love it; we just try to preserve it." Said Gollum.

"Yes well, that little preservation is going to come to a complete halt very soon."

"You'll have to get through me first."

Dark Matter couldn't help but laugh at what the school nurse said, "Have to get through-yeah right. You and what army?"

"I didn't need one." With that, Gollum threw her explosives, which exploded around the room. Although the explosives weren't strong enough to kill them, they did set furniture on fire as well as cause ripples and people running around in frenzy. There was smoke everywhere which made looking hard to see.

"Somebody get her!" Dark Matter barked through the smoke. Unfortunately the smoke was so thick that the atheists didn't know where they were going. During the chaos the kids felt the ropes loosening and falling off them.

"Quick everyone out!" They heard Gollum's voice yell out to them, "The guards are already taken care of, so the exit is passable.

"Dude c'mon!" Stan yelled, leading the others to the exit, along the way, they failed to realise that Kyle dropped the green coloured Keystone.

Outside the U.A.M building the boot of Dark Matter's car opened and Ike's head popped out of it. He looked around before climbing out of the boot.

"Ring around the rosy." Said Ike before wondering off into the city of Denver, unaware that at the same time Stan, Kyle, Charlie, Kenny and Andrew rushed out of the building, covered in ash but unharmed.

"Dude that was pretty fucked up right there." Said Stan. He looked around, realising that it was nightfall here in their home state.

"You can say that again," Kenny agreed. Andrew looked around, realising that something wasn't right, "Hey, where's your fat friend?"

"Cartman!" Kyle and the others also looked around, "Wasn't the fatass right behind us a while ago?"

"Maybe he got lost?" Charlie suggested.

"I think it's too late to go back for him." Said Stan, looking at the smoke coming from the middle of the building. At that moment Gollum exited the building and joined them, "You didn't have to wait for me you know."

"Nurse Gollum, what's going on?" Stan asked, "Who were those guys? How did you know where to find us?"

"Everyone get in my car and I'll explain everything while I'm driving."

They all got into the car and Gollum drove off before the atheists could get to them.

"Had I known you kids were going to get involved, I would've come down there faster." Said Nurse Gollum as she drove her car through a lit road with the kids in seats.

"How did that Dark Matter guy knew you?" Asked Stan, who was in the front.

"He knows all of us," Explained Gollum, "you see, I am part of a secret organisation that protects religious figures and preserves the belief of religion. It is called the Order of Religion."

"Does our school know about this?" Kyle asked from the back. Charlie, Kenny and Andrew were fast asleep, with Charlie sleeping on Kyle's shoulders.

"It's a _secret _organization Kyle, nobody must not know about it. It's especially important the U.A.M must not know of our location.

"Aren't you getting a little worked up about this?" Stan asked, "I mean, it's only a bunch of pissed off atheists."

"Yeah, what's so wrong with that?" Kyle added.

"I don't think you two realise what we're dealing with," She looked at both of them through the car mirror, "our leader understands that you two have had occasional encounters with a superhero group called the Super Best Friends."

"Yeah, they saved our lives more than once." Said Stan, "But what does that have to do with what's going?"

"Well, most of them went missing about a year ago."

"Missing?" Kyle asked.

"Yes and we believe that the U.A.M are connected to their disappearance. It's believed that they're gone forever, but some of the Order of Religion, including me beg to differ, because we have a way of tracking them down to the place where they are.

"How?" Stan asked.

"Ten years ago, we implanted a tracking devise inside one of the Super Best Friends to ensure that we will always find them in case they went missing." She showed the boys what looked like a Wii remote but had a radar screen on it, "this remote that shows the tracking devise was broken for awhile. It took three years to fix it."

"So with this thing we'll be able to find the Super Best Friends." Kyle asked.

"That's right. I just hope we're not too late though. The atheists just might get what they want if we don't get to the Super Best Friends on time."

"What do mean the half-mortals are no longer in the New World?" Zeus asked the twin Gods in the sphere room.

"We mean is that we can't find any trace of them in America nor are they on the sphere." Artemis explained.

"But Hestia said they lived in America."

"She said that before they disappeared," Said Apollo, "have a look for yourself and you'll find the country completely half-mortal less.

Sure enough, there were no signs of any half-mortals on the sphere, just like Apollo said.

"Well this is just super," Zeus mumbled, "there's a possible threat to the Mortal World, an organization full of atheists have been discovered and our only hope in the form of half-mortals is nowhere to be found. Can this get any worse?!"

"Zeus," Athena rushed into the sphere room, "Hermes has been captured by the atheist organisation."

"It just got worse." Said Artemis.

"…Ah shit" Said Zeus

"I don't fucking care whose fault it is, just get that portal fixed and this place cleaned up!" Dark Matter shouted to the group of atheists in the portal room. It looked as if a whirlwind hit the room with papers, books and debris all over the place. The portal in the centre was in bits.

"I'm going to my office," He said, "nobody goes near that room while I'm in there!"

He stormed out of the portal room and towards his office. When he arrived he turned the knob on the door, only for it to fall from its hinges. He looked the mess that Gollum caused, it was like a train wreck in here, with scorch marks and burnt furniture all over the place. He glared daggers at the chairs where the kids were tied up. He was going to get those kids if it was the last thing he did. Then he noticed underneath the burnt debris, something green and glowing.

He moved aside the debris and realised that it was the Keystone he was after. He smiled viciously as he picked up the Keystone, "Yes…" Dark Matter hissed, "Perhaps capturing the children wasn't a complete disaster after all." He looked through a window at the view of the city or at least part of it, "Everything is going as planned; the Super Best Friends are out of the way and I now have two Keystones. All that I have been planning for years is finally taking form," From his trouser pocket he took out a photo, "and the only one that could've prevented all this…will be dead soon enough."

Dark Matter looked at the picture. A picture of a seven year old girl with light brown hair, a green coat and a bit of dirt over her left eye. This was the girl that could've ruined Dark Matter's plans.


	2. How Many Miles From Babylon

The clouds around Olympus swirled an ugly grey colour as mist surrounded the Greek domain. Somewhere in the distance, thunder was heard.

"Armageddon may soon be upon us again." Athena muttered as the Olympians watched the clouds through the glass dome.

"Aw, hell no." Zeus cried. He sincerely cannot stand another day that was marked with destruction.

"What will we do?" Aphrodite asked, "We can't just sit around and do nothing, not with Hermes captured and an old evil lurking around in the Mortal World."

"We can always go to Valhalla and ask the Norse Deities to help us." Said Hephaestus.

Zeus thought for a moment about what the smith God said, "…Don't be an idiot Hephaestus, the Norse Deities are axe wielding psychos. I know because I still have that scar up my ass from where Odin hit me."

"None of those are important," Hestia replied, "I think we should focus more on getting Hermes back right now."

"She's right," Said Zeus, walking in front of the Olympians, "here's the plan; Artemis, Apollo, you journey down to the Mortal World and rescue Hermes while the rest of us stay here and try to find the half-mortals on the sphere. Iris will be able to teleport you two there.

As the twin Olympians left for their journey to the Mortal World, Hestia turned to the sphere, "Hephaestus, did you contact our agent about what's going on?"

"Yeah, he's fully informed and will do whatever it takes to stop this crisis."

The Goddess of the Home nodded, "Then all we can now is pray that we're not too late."

A deep throbbing in his head was the first thing Zoroaster felt when his consciousness returned. Groaning slightly, his senses slowly returned to him, allowing him to hear voices around him.

"I think he's waking up." A child's voice echoed. When the aching in his head faded a bit, Zoroaster slowly opened his eyes to find the face of Butters Stotch staring back at him.

"Yep, you're awake alright." Butters said happily.

"Yeah, I'm back to reality," Zoroaster said groggily, "will you god-damn move? I need space you know."

"Sorry." Said Butters as he moved back, allowing the prophet to get up from his lying position and clutch his head in both hands.

"The next time you say there's a bookshelf heading straight towards me," Zoroaster mumbled, "warn me _before_ I waste the last of my energy on a shield."

"Good to see you're alright," Jesus appeared beside Butters, with Karen McCormick hiding behind him, "for a minute there I thought you were never gonna regain wake up."

"Yeah well, I did." Said Zoroaster as he struggled to stand up. After finding his balance he began to take in his surroundings. He was in a chamber that was completely dark minus a few torches illuminating it. The walls looked to be made from ancient stone, but not crumbling. The floor too was made from stone. They both were a golden yellow colour.

"Okay, where are we?"

"I don't know," Jesus replied, "that portal that we were sucked into appears to have brought us all here."

Zoroaster wondered around the room a bit, taking in the whole interior of the place before realising something, "Ho boy…"

"What?" Jesus asked, believing that the prophet may have an answer.

"You guys aren't gonna believe this," Zoroaster said, turning to the group, "but I think we're inside a temple."

"A_ temple_?" Jesus repeated the last words as a question.

"Yeah, and by the looks of it, I'd say this is one of the few temples in the world still standing."

"Great Scott." Whispered Jesus.

"Wha-what is that?"

"What?"

"Why are you saying 'Great Scott' like you're Superman or something? I mean, get real, you're not Superman."

"We can't stay here," Butters said, almost desperately, "we could all die in here. How do we get out?"

"I think the only option is to explore the temple in order to find a way out." Said Jesus. He silently agreed with Butters that they need to get out. Although he and Zoroaster can survive a few years without food and water, Butters and Karen were not religious figures and the two wouldn't survive in a temple like this.

"Alright, I'll lead." Said Zoroaster as he tucked his staff in his golden fabric. He thanked his stars that the staff also got sucked into the portal. He moved to the exit of the chamber, ahead of the others.

"This is a trick one of my earliest followers taught me," Zoroaster explained to the others, "it'll help us see in the dark." He snapped his fingers and a white flame appeared in the palm of his hand. Karen looked at the flame in awe.

"You sure have a certain amount of control over the fire element." Said Jesus, slightly impressed at what Zoroaster did.

"I have control over all the nature elements; I'm an elementalist."

"Doesn't it hurt?" Butters asked.

"If it did, I would be running around trying to put it out, now c'mon, we've got an exit to find."

The others followed Zoroaster out of the chamber and into a long passage way.

"I sure hope we find a way out." Said Butters.

"I hope so too My Child," Said Jesus, "I hope so too."

"Okay, so here's the plan," Nurse Gollum addressed the kids while they were on the plane, "We arrive in Iraq, go to the ruined city of Babylon, find the Super Best Friends and get out of the country as fast as possible."

"Why Babylon?" Stan Marsh asked.

"We believe that Babylon was where the Super Best Friends were last sited before they disappeared," Explained Gollum, "if we could find anything out of the ordinary there, it might lead us to them."

"I admit I'm pretty nervous about going into a war-zone country." Said Andrew.

"Well, from my past experience there, I know that as long as we don't cause unnecessary attention, we'll be okay." Stan assured the Greek boy.

"You've been to Iraq before?"

"Yeah, me, Kyle and Cartman went there once to rescue Santa Clause."

In another row of seats Kyle Bloflovski looked at his girlfriend Charlie Pierzynski, who was staring at the plane window, "Something wrong?"

"I just don't see the point in this," Said Charlie, "we'll just end up on some wild goose chase."

"…You still think religious figures don't exist, do you?"

Charlie looked at her boyfriend, "I made it perfectly clear back in Alethea about my belief and I still keep a firm grip on it."

"Well yeah…" Kyle said slowly, trying to choose the words carefully so he won't upset her, "but let's say we actually _did_ find religious figures, actual religious figures, and that proves that your beliefs are wrong, would you still believe that religious figures aren't real?"

"That's not possible Kyle."

"Think about it. Do you remember when I made that bet with Cartman about leprechauns and when we found out that song about that headless ghost was real? I'm just saying it might be possible."

"You're starting to sound like the fatass yourself," Charlie exclaimed, poking Kyle playfully, "seriously though, I know religious figures aren't real. We have no proof of anything that they're real."

Kyle decided not to press the issue further and turned to talk to his other friend Kenny McCormick. Although he wasn't close to Kenny as he was to Stan, he still considered him his friend.

"Honestly, this doesn't make any sense," He whispered to Kenny so Charlie couldn't hear, "why would the atheists want to get rid of the Super Best Friends by dumping them all in Babylon?"

"Dude, they're atheists," Kenny answered. He agreed to help save the Super Best Friends, even though he didn't knew them as well as Stan and Kyle did, "they don't like a bunch of holy beings walking around the place conflicting with their beliefs."

Kyle shook his head, "I don't know. I have this feeling that…there's something else going on, that doesn't involve beliefs."

Meanwhile back at the Pentagon.

"All right gentlemen, listen up," The General addressed a group of specialists, "yesterday afternoon, a religious figure that we were keeping locked up here for 64 years has broken out. The government relied on us to keep it hidden from the public now we plan to lock it back here again. So you are all gathered here to help find ways to bring the religious figure back to us."

"Um…" One specialist began to speak, "we could use tasers on him."

"Too predictable," The General said, "besides, the religious figure may be unaffected by it."

"We could ask him about his feelings." Another specialist replied.

"This a _religious figure_! Not an alien!" The General cried, "Unlike aliens, religious figures are human beings!"

"Oh…right."

"Sir!" A tech rushed into the meeting room, "We just discovered something disturbing on the world radar."

"What is it?"

"Well when we looked at it we found that there were other religious figures besides the one that escaped scattered around the ruined city of Babylon."

"You mean…"

"Yes, there is more than one religious figure out there."

"My God," The General whispered, "the ruined city of Babylon is a thriving area for religious figures. No wonder people are afraid to come near Iraq! Quick, somebody get a missile ready! We're going to nuke Babylon."

"Not so fast general." Everyone turned to the source of the British voice, where they found at the entrance a scientist in a white lab coat with a red bow tie. He was bald on top but had gray poofy hair on the sides of his head and a grey moustache. He wore rectangular framed glasses as well. "You cannot just run headfirst into a situation without studying it."

"Who are you and how did you manage to get past security? The General demanded.

"I am Doctor Vosknocker," The scientist said, "I broke into this place through Sector Two. It's easy to break into the Pentagon you know."

"Doctor or not, this situation is none of your concern." The General exclaimed.

"Actually, it is," Said Vosknocker, "I understand that you're experiencing a small problem concerning religious figures."

Everyone looked with surprise at the scientist, "Yeah," The General admitted, "how did you know?"

"The year was 1955," Explained Vosknocker, "I was one of the scientists who worked to make our technology more advanced than the Russians. During that time, the previous general summoned me here and showed me the deepest secret hidden in the Pentagon, which was the religious figure you are trying to capture."

"…So, what does all that have to do with what's going?" The General asked.

Vosknocker walked towards the table. When he got there he placed something on the table. The General leaned forward to look at the object. It looked like a baby monitor, but with a button underneath it.

"Your predecessor ordered me to plant a chip in the base of the religious figure's skull in the event that if it ever escapes we can track it down with this. Of course, he kicked me out after I did that."

"Doesn't look much," The General replied, "I don't see a screen or image or anything."

"That's because it wasn't designed to use images," Explained Vosknocker, "the chip was designed so we can hear what the religious figure hears."

As the scientist activated the devise, the General asked, "So, we'll know what he's hearing, but we won't know what he's seeing?"

"That's it!" The devise was turned on and voices can be head over minor static.

"_Hey Jesus. Did you see that green dot on the wall?"_ A male voice was heard on the devise.

"That's our religious figure!" The General exclaimed, and then he thought for a moment at what the voice said, "…Did he just say Jesus?"

"_What are you talking about Zoroaster?"_ Another male voice was heard, slightly different from the last one.

"_That giant green dot that keeps staring me in the face!"_

"…_Dude, I don't see anything."_

"_You're looking at it right now!"_

"_Aw Jeez, I'm starting to think that bump on the head did more to you than just knock you out." _A third voice was heard on the devise.

"Vosknocker, wasn't that a kid's voice just there?"

"I believe it was general," The scientist replied, "I think it's best to wait and listen to what they're saying before you do anything reckless. If you ask me, this is all going to lead to a very interesting predicament."

"Has anyone seen Winnates and Eisen?"

A campsite was set up in a forest where a group of theologists were. They were there to study the existence of religious figures and right now they were waiting for two of their own to come back.

"They said they've gone to explore the woods to see if they could find anything useful." One theologist said.

"Well they're sure taking their sweet time with it."

"Hey!" Two theologists, both male and female ran out of the woods to the campsite.

"About time you returned," Another theologist said, "where were you?"

"We were trying to gather more information about religious figures." Winnates, the female theologist answered.

"We found something…interesting while we were trying to find information." The male theologist Eisen showed the other theologists the journal the he and Winnates found earlier.

"A book?"

"Wha-no this isn't a book," Said Eisen, "this is the journal of the late scientist Albert Einstein."

"…And what does that have to do with what we're trying to find out?" One theologist asked.

"Oh c'mon, do you know what this is?" Eisen asked incredulously, "this journal belonged to one of the greatest minds that ever existed." He opened the journal to look at the pages, "It has sentimental value."

"…Right, well while you're looking at an old journal we'll review what we learned so far."

"Right," Winnates walked towards a computer and typed a few words on the keyboard. Random images popped up onto the screen, "Here's what we learned so far; At random years, something would fall from the sky and land onto the earth, people believed these things that fell onto this planet were shooting stars. Of course there were conspiracies on whether they actually were shooting stars because even though they left craters in the ground, there was never anything in them. The star falling pattern began in 1948 and went on until 1992 when the shooting stars stopped appearing."

"You don't think there's a connection between that and what we're trying to find out do you?" A theologist asked.

"I'm not sure," Winnates answered, "But there might be."

"Uh guys," Eisen's voice caught the theologists' attention, "you may want to listen to this."

"Eisen, that journal is totally unrelated to what we're trying to find-"

"Just listen," Eisen began to read a page from the journal, "I have created this devise, to prove that there are more than just us human beings on this planet. During its testing, I have discovered that it did much more than I had hoped it would do, that this contraption has a side to it more sinister than sincere. Its ability not only showed proof of a religious figure's existence, but from what I have seen, proof of their resurrection as well. I fear I may have started a chain reaction that's only going to get out of hand."

Winnates walked over to the theologist, "He wrote that in the journal?"

"Yeah, it's right here," Eisen showed the page to her, "the date isn't there but it says that it was written sometime in 1948, the year the shooting stars appeared."

"I wonder…" Winnates said absently as she looked at the journal entry, "What if he had something to do with it?"

"Do with what?" Asked a theologist.

"Think about it," Explained Winnates, "What if Einstein found a way to bring religious figures back to life? What if he was responsible for the shooting stars? What if the shooting stars were the religious figures themselves? What if all the answers lied in the devise Einstein mentioned in this entry?"

"Do you really think he's connected to what we're trying to find out?" Eisen asked.

"There's a strong chance he might be," Winnates replied, "and this entry is living proof about it."

The other theologists took in what Winnates said before they burst out laughing.

"Einstein? Bringing holy beings back to life? Yeah right!"

"Einstein was a scientist; he would never _think_ to make something like that!"

"Yeah, science and religion don't mix Winnates! It wouldn't make any sense if religious figures were brought back from the dead by science."

"Now hold on a minute here," A brown skinned theologist, who looked to be the oldest silenced the others, "this is all speculation, we don't know if he did do it or not."

"What are you saying Professor Rhinestone?" Asked Eisen.

"While I believe Winnates may be on to something, we can't be fully sure unless we investigate. Now does anyone know where Einstein's old house is?"

"It's in New Jersey." Winnates answered.

"Great, we'll send our best theologists there to investigate. If they find the devise that Einstein mentioned then we have proof that you are right." Rhinestone walked a few distances from the others until he was out of earshot, "I hope to God you're right Winnates," He looked up at the sky, "sometimes, some legends are true."

"Get them!"

"Death to the infidels!"

"Aw dude seriously, can you let us off just once?" Stan, Gollum and the others were running for their lives around the city of Babylon, trying to get away from Iraqi soldiers. They have only been here ten minutes and already someone tries to kill them.

"If this is about the war America started in your country," Andrew called out to them, "let me assure you that it was to some extent, out of line."

"Try not to make it worse!" Cried Kyle.

"Quick, hide in here!" Gollum led the kids behind a huge temple that looked as if it hadn't crumbled down yet. It also proved to be the perfect hiding place because the Iraqi ran right past them when they were hiding there.

"Shit, that was close." Kenny breathed deeply, trying to catch his breath.

"We'll never be able to find the Super Best Friends like this." Muttered Gollum.

"We should've stayed in the hotel all day." Said Charlie.

"I don't think that would've made much of a difference Charlie." Said Stan. At that moment, the wall of the temple opened and the group found themselves being pulled in by white-sleeved arms.

"Dude, what the hell?!"

"Hey, let go of me!"

"Somebody, help!"

When they were all inside the temple, the wall began to close again.

"Okay, so that's one train ticket to Wyoming." The clerk gave the ticket to the next boarder, "do you take cash or card?"

"Here's my card." Kyle younger brother Ike showed the clerk the card. He passed it through the register.

"Okay, everything seems to be in order, though I've never seen the back of a card written in crayon before but I suppose that's what a child's writing is supposed be like," He gave the card back to Ike, "have a safe trip."

Ike got on the train and waited for it to leave for the state he wanted to go to.

"I poop my pants." Said Ike. He was determined to go to the destined state even if it killed him.

"This place is so nice," Said Zoroaster as he, Butters, Jesus and Karen explored the temple, looking for a way out, "We should buy this place and I'm not just saying it, we're gonna do it the moment we get out."

"Zoroaster," Jesus said slowly, "are you feeling alright?"

"What're you talkin' about? I'm enif.

"…Okay, well it's just that you keep saying there's green dots on the walls…"

"Which there are! Look there's one right now!"

"…And you're talking about buying a temple and you just said 'fine' backwards…" Then Jesus realised something, "you're not by any chance suffering from a concussion, are you?"

"Don't be stu-pid Jesuis," Said Zoroaster as he turned to look at Jesus, "I have a white flame glowing in my hand, so it's proof that I don't have a concussion. Besides, religious figures don't get concussions."

"Unless they get bashed in the head," Said Jesus, "religious figures may be divine beings but we are most definitely not invulnerable."

"Hey, who's the one with the flame? You or me?" Zoroaster turned to walk off only to bump into a wall, "What the-I could've sworn there was a door here."

Jesus groaned and put his face in his hands. Zoroaster had a concussion all right.

"Jesus, I'm scared." Karen whispered as she clung to his robes in fear.

"It's going to be okay My Child. You are in the presence of divine beings. Nothing can harm you." Zoroaster tried to push the wall he bumped into with worthless effort, "…Okay, maybe we're kind of stuck…"

"Why did I agree to this?" Butters asked himself, "I should've learned by now that bad stuff always happens every time I agree to help people and now, I'm gonna get grounded for sure, or maybe even die in this temple because of it!"

"Do you always whine this much?" Zoroaster asked the puffball.

"I…"

"Everyone be quiet." Jesus said suddenly, almost urgently. For a moment there he thought he heard faint footsteps that shook the ground. The footsteps were heard again this time louder and they sounded like they were getting closer.

"Zoroaster, put out that flame."

"Fuck no. We need it to see."

"And that might give us away-"

"Oh hamburgers! What is that thing?!" Butters screamed and pointed directly a stone statue of a troll that was towering over them. The statue looked at them for a moment before giving out an ear screeching roar.

"Is that a troll-"Zoroaster began.

"RUN!" Jesus led the others away from the troll statue, which began chasing them. They rounded a corner where they entered a chamber that was different than the last one they were in.

"Ah jeez, we're trapped!" Screamed Butters.

"Not unless we go down without a fight! Kiwaaa!" Jesus threw his halo at the stone statue. It slashed through the chest, making the statue screech with rage.

"Well, I think it's safe to say that you have just made it more pissed." Said Zoroaster as the halo returned to Jesus.

"No turning back now! Use your staff!"

"I'm trying but right now my staff is proving to be a bit of a bitch today." On closer inspection, Jesus realised that Zoroaster was holding his staff the wrong way, "Oh my God…"

"We're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die." Butters whimpered as the statue advanced towards them.

"Work you stupid thing!" Zoroaster screamed, "WORK GOD-DAMMIT!" A fire ball shot out from the staff and hit the ceiling, creating a hole in the process. Then, something fell through the hole, onto the floor beside Zoroaster. Jesus took closer inspection on the thing that fell through the hole before realising who it is.

"Seamen!" Jesus said happily, "We found you!"

"It's Sea-man!" The Super Best Friend corrected him as his sidekick Swallow flew down beside him.

"Uh you may have forgotten but there is a GIANT STONE STATUE SHAPED LIKE A TROLL ABOUT TO KILL US!" Zoroaster shouted as the statue continued to advance towards.

"Well, I guess this is the end." Butter said meekly.

"DO NOT SAY THAT!" Zoroaster took out what looked like a giant blaster out of his robes, "I DID NOT COME ALL THIS WAY HERE JUST TO BECOME SOMBODY'S FUCKING LUNCH!" the prophet aimed the blaster at the troll and a giant laser came out of it, striking the statue and reducing it to rubble.

"Is it over?" Butters asked.

"Yeah, it's over." Zoroaster answered as he breathed deeply.

"Where did you get that blaster?" Asked Jesus.

"I found this cabinet while we were in the Hall of the Super Best Friends and it had a lot of weapons that looked as if they hadn't been used yet."

"Which is exactly where they're supposed to remain until it's proven the world ending in 2012 is a hoax."

"Yeah, well too late for that now." Zoroaster then turned his attention to Seaman who was dusting himself off, "So, who's the guy with the bird?"

"Ah yes," Said Jesus, "Butters, Karen, Zoroaster, this is one of the Super Best Friends, S-Seamen." He then burst out laughing.

"Wh-what?" Asked Butters.

"It's Sea-man!" Seaman yelled.

"…Oh my God, I don't know why but that sounds gay." Said Zoroaster.

"Does the little bird have a name?" Asked Karen.

"Y-yeah," Said Jesus, straightening up, "this is Seamen's sidekick, S-Swallow." He then burst out laughing again.

"You have a bird for a sidekick?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Yes and It's Sea-man and Swallow!"

"…Oh my God, even the bird's name sounds gay." Said Zoroaster. Suddenly there was a crunching noise that came from the pile of rubble. The group looked at the rubble and realised that it was…moving.

"That doesn't sound good." Said Jesus and immediately the rubble began to expand until they were the troll statue again, who roared at the group.

"Definitely not good!" Shouted Zoroaster as he backed up against a wall.

"But that's impossible," Said Jesus, "how can that thing still be alive?"

"Because it wasn't 'alive' to begin with," Said Zoroaster as the statue advanced, "someone or something is animating that statue from somewhere."

"Are you sure?"

"I grew up in a village that studied magic! I know an enchanted statue when it regenerates itself!"

"Ah jeez, we're gonna die!" Butters yelled. Suddenly the floor under his feet began to crumble and he fell through a hole that was made.

"Oh God, Butters!" Yelled Jesus. Seeing the hole gave Zoroaster an idea.

"Quick everyone jump in to the hole!"

"What?"

"If we want to make it out of this alive, we have to jump into that hole!"

"Are you crazy?!" Jesus protested, "We have no idea where that hole could lead us! For all we know, it could lead to a trap."

"Well then," Zoroaster said casually, "if you have any better ideas, one that involves getting rid of that thing that's moving towards us, I'd love to them."

A long pause filled the chamber.

"…I'm first." Said Jesus as he and the others jumped into the hole away from the statue.

"Dude, where are we?" Stan looked around the chamber they were pulled in. There were paintings on the walls and candles were lit in the chamber.

"From the looks of it, I think we're inside the temple." Said Gollum.

"Something dragged us in here." Said Kyle, "But who did it?"

"Maybe they know." Andrew pointed to a group of people in white hooded robes.

"Oh shit, it's the Ku Klux Klan!" Kenny screamed as he pulled his hood tighter.

"No we're not," The white hooded man in front who looked to be the leader stepped forward, "We are not those racist loving bastards. We are the Pura Fides."

"…Pura…Fides?" Gollum asked confused.

"Yes," The leader said, "you don't have to hide. You are safe now in this temple."

"Dude, why did you drag us in here?" Asked Charlie.

"There is very little time and you all need to be warned of something big, something that could change and possibly even threaten the world. The Lady of the Temple predicted it."

"Well what'd you know? There _is _an upstairs downstairs in this temple." Zoroaster looked around the chamber they fell into.

"If there is one, then where's the stairs?" Jesus muttered as he massaged his arm. The jump was not the brightest idea they had but it was the only way to get away from that stone statue of a troll.

"Well, at least we're all alive," Said Butters as he held Karen's hand, "and we found one of your buddies Jesus."

"He's right." Said Seaman.

"Eh, yeah just so you all know, I was the one who made the hole in the ceiling," Said Zoroaster, "and if it weren't for that than you wouldn't have found this guy here, who I highly doubt is a religious figure."

"…Right," Jesus looked at the paintings on the walls. There seem to hundreds perhaps even more of them, each showing different images on them, "looks like someone's been busy doing artwork."

"W-what do you think they mean?" Asked Butters.

"Don't know, don't care. All I'm thinking about is finding a way out of here." Zoroaster turned around only to see the most bizarre thing he'd ever saw in his life.

"_Hello_~."

"AAH!"

Everyone yelped at the sound of the woman standing behind. She had the most peculiar looking fashion wear they have ever laid eyes on. She had many beads in her long, scattered hair, a fading poncho and a dress underneath.

"I see you have all found the chamber of visions," She said in a whimsical voice, "the chamber where everything that has happened over the centuries ends up as a painting in here."

"Who the hell are you?" Jesus asked, still in shock at meeting this mysterious stranger out of nowhere.

"I go by many names," She said, "sometimes funny, sometimes sad, sometimes just downright rude, but that is the curse of being an artist."

"…Seriously, give us a name." Said Zoroaster.

"I am the Lady of the Temple," She said dramatically, "the guardian of the chamber of visions."

"You made all these paintings Mrs.…?" Butters began.

"**IT'S LLLLLAAADDDDYYYY OF THE TEMPLLLEEE!**" She screamed so loud that whole chamber felt like it was moving.

"WAH! S-sorry Lady of the T-temple." Butters stammered.

"What the hell?!" Cried Zoroaster, "Haven't you heard of volume control?!"

"Yes," The Temple lady said casually, "come; let us journey through the visions of what had already happened and what is yet to happen."

"God, she even walks like she's messed up in the head." Said Seaman as the others observed how the Temple Lady moved in an almost wave like pattern.

"So, these paintings are actually visions that came true?" Said Jesus as he and the group followed the Temple Lady.

"And visions that are yet to come true."

"Ah jeez, you actually have that as a painting?" Said Butters as he looked at a painting of two tall buildings that were on fire.

"Ah yes," The Temple Lady replied, "the destruction of the Twin Towers in New York. It was a sad day…"

"Hey look, Obama is seen in this one." Zoroaster pointed to a painting of the current US president.

"Ah yes, the day Barack Obama became president will be remembered for many generations to come."

Jesus then spotted a painting that was far away from the other ones, "Hey…what's that one?"

"It is my final one, the vision that is not yet finished." On closer inspection, Jesus realised that it looked like a temple floating in black clouds, "it is the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, awakened from its long slumber by an evil being."

"What happens if that vision came true?"

"I will have nothing more to paint and I will be forced to seek a new purpose." The Temple Lady explained, "I've been thinking of becoming a nurse or maybe even an author."

"I've got a bad feeling about that painting," Whispered Jesus.

"Aw, c'mon are you really getting paranoid just by looking at it?" Asked Zoroaster, "I mean look at it. It's not finished so it's bound to not come true."

"Oh, it will come true all right," The Lady Temple intervened, "and the only way that it can be prevented from becoming a reality, if the finished painting beside it becomes a reality."

"Finished painting?" Jesus looked at the painting next to the temple painting. In this painting, there was what looked like religious figures in warrior like poses while in the centre was what looked like a young girl in Greek clothing, surrounded by four different coloured squares.

"Hey that girl kind of looks likes Karen." Said Butters.

"That _is _Karen." Said Jesus when he took a closer look at the painting.

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah and if you look at them," Jesus pointed at the religious figures, "That's the Super Best Friends."

"Really?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Yeah," Jesus pointed to each religious figure that was in the picture, "There's me and Seamen…"

"It's Sea-man!"

"…Krishna's here; Buddha's over there, beside the far left is the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith…"

"He's a Super Best Friend too?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Yeah and look, you're in the painting too." Jesus was right. When Zoroaster looked at the painting he was stunned to find himself also in the painting, "Why the hell was I put in the painting? I'm not even a Super Best Friend."

"What about her?" Butters pointed to a brownish-red haired woman with angel wings in the painting, "Is she a Super Best Friend too?"

Jesus shook his head, "I don't recognise her and I doubt the other Super Best Friends know her but I'm sure the Lady of the Temple put her in that painting with us for a reason."

"You know, you are not the first to discover the chamber of visions." The Temple Lady said.

"We're not?" Asked Butters.

"No, six months ago three others came across this chamber, but they did not have time to gaze into the visions the way you did. They went over there," She pointed to the exit of this chamber, "towards the main chamber of the temple and have not been seen since."

"You think they might be more of your buddies Jesus?" Asked Butters.

"I don't know, they could be," Jesus looked at the Temple Lady, "can you take us to the main chamber."

"But of course, I know the insides of this temple as well as the ancient ones."

"Great, thanks for your help Temple Lady." Said Zoroaster.

"**IT'S LLLAAAADDDDYYYY OF THE TTTEEEMMMMPPPLLLEEE!**" She screamed again. Zoroaster covered his ears as she did so.

"I'm starting to see why there's no 'Man of the Temple'." He muttered.

"I don't care if you don't have all of them I just want them out of the way!" Dark Matter yelled to somebody on the phone, "And when you destroy them, make sure they die a slow, painful death!" He hung up on his phone, "I swear to God, I feel like I'm surrounded by fucking idiots."

"So, just so we're clear," Said Hermes who was tied to a pole, "what happens to me if I don't tell you about the Keystones?"

"Do you like to have a scar on your chest, where your heart is located?" Dark Matter asked, "'Cause I can make that happen."

"Go ahead. The blood of a deity of lethally toxic. It'll burn through your skin within seconds.

"I don't believe you."

"Stab me then."

"Oh no, I'm not going to stab you," Said Dark Matter, "not yet anyway. You see, I know that you Olympian bastards are connected to the Keystones of Babylon and, since you are an Olympian yourself, I'd appreciate it if you tell me where the other Keystones are."

"I'd rather hear Dionysus' babbling then tell you anything," Hermes retorted, "besides, the chosen half-mortals will stop you."

Dark Matter chuckled, "I don't think so. I've hired someone to take care of them while they're still stuck in Babylon. Apparently, the Super Best Friends have had an encounter with this person before and he has a bone to pick with them. Face it Olympian, It's going to take more than a bunch of holy beings to set you free."

Just then there were screams coming from outside the room they were in and an atheist struggled inside with arrows protruding from his back, "Sir…there's more intruders…in the…building…"

"Who could that possibly this time?!" Dark Matter demanded as the atheist fell over. The answer to the villain's question came in the form of gold and silver arrows which flew into the room and pinned him to the wall. Hermes smirked, "How about twin Greek Gods entering the building in order to bust me out?"

"You took the words right out of our minds." Apollo and Artemis entered the room with their bows in their hands, "God-dammit!" Screamed Dark Matter, "When my atheists get here, you're gonna be sorry!"

"They wouldn't happen to be the ones I used Aphrodite's girdle on into making them quit your U.A.M?" Artemis asked as she showed Dark Matter the garment she was holding, which resulted more curses and swears from the villain, "This isn't over! You may have won this battle but the war is not yet finished! I'll find the other Keystones! You'll see!"

"And we wish you good luck with that," Said Hermes before he turned his attention to the twins, "can we make a quick trip to the ruined city of Babylon before we head back?"

"Okay, but why?" Asked Apollo.

"Well, thanks to Dark Matter here," Hermes nodded to the villain who was struggling to break free of the arrows, "I think I know where the half-mortals are."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK, FUCK, **FUCK!**"

"So, exactly who are you guys?" Kyle asked the white hooded people called the Pura Fides.

"We are a society that has been around for centuries," The Pura Fides leader explained, "do you know Abraham?"

"The patriarch of the Christian, Jewish and Muslim religions?" Asked Gollum.

"That's right; we have been around since the day he passed away. We were formed to be guardians of a very important person called the Keeper of the Keystone."

"Keeper of the Keystone?" Kenny wondered aloud," Who the hell is that?"

"A person who was chosen by the Olympians to be protector of ancient relics called the Keystones of Babylon."

"Hey, Dark Matter mentioned them," Said Stan, "he also seems to be looking for them."

"Indeed," The leader agreed, "there are four of them somewhere in this world. Legend has it that if all four were reunited, they will raise the Hanging Gardens of Babylon from the ground."

"Dude…" Said Stan.

"Does the Order of Religion know about the Pura Fides?" Andrew asked Gollum.

"Like the Order of Religion, we keep our society in secrecy," The leader said, "so no one in the world knows about us."

"Wait, if you guys try to keep all this secret?" Charlie wondered, "Then why are you telling _us_ this?"

"Were you children not the ones who found one of the Keystones, which is now currently in the hands of Dark Matter?" Asked the leader.

"You sure you're not talking about some other Keystone?" Asked Kyle.

"No, we are talking about this." The leader pulled out of his robes an object shaped like a cube, which glowed a bright yellow.

"Whoa dude." Said Kenny.

"Holy crap, that thing we found _was _one of the Keystones." Said Charlie.

The kids looked at each other in astonishment, realising that they have just stumbled upon one of the darkest secrets in ancient history.

"I don't see why she can't just draw us a map of this place." Said Zoroaster as the Temple Lady led the group towards the main chamber.

"You may think maps are useful to guide you to your destination but they will just make you even more lost." She said.

"That is a very unsatisfying answer." He muttered, "So this temple we're in is this like, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon or something?"

"It is," The Temple Lady answered, "but not the real one."

"What do you mean by that?" Asked Jesus.

"People don't realise it, but the temples they visited are in fact replicas of the original thing. There are hundreds of temple replicas around the world, some that were created before the Roman era."

"And people never bothered to realise they were replicas?"

"That's right."

"People are gonna be majorly pissed off if they found out about that." Zoroaster whispered to Jesus who nodded, "No doubt."

They continued on in silence, with Butters growing more anxious as they came closer, "Don't you think we should be on our toes when we make it there?"

"Butters relax," Said Zoroaster, "the people we're trying to find are religious figures, they aren't gonna be reduced to bones when we find them."

"I'm not worried about that. I'm worried that this place may be booby-trapped."

"Probably, but what kind of booby-trap?" Asked Jesus. Just then Butters stepped on a stone which sunk into the ground and suddenly spikes appeared on the walls which began to move.

"Try moving spiked walls booby-trapped!" Yelled Zoroaster as the groups ran as fast as they can.

"I see it," The Temple Lady said calmly who seemed to be the only one unaffected by the moving walls, "I see the main chamber."

"Great lets pick up the pace a bit!" The group ran towards the main chamber where Butters, Jesus, Seaman and the Temple Lady arrived safely.

"We're alive!" Said Butters.

"Not yet, Karen and Zoroaster are still in there!" Exclaimed Jesus as the walls drew closer.

"Weren't they right behind us?"

"I don-"Suddenly Karen came flying out of the temple into Jesus' arms just in time before the walls closed in.

"Well, that's one exit we won't be using again." The Temple Lady said happily.

"Yeah, but poor Zoroaster," Butters said sadly, "he didn't make it." Suddenly there was a bright light and Zoroaster appeared in front of them.

"Thank God, that's over." He said as he checked himself.

"What happened in there?" Asked Jesus. He can feel Karen shaking with fright.

"Karen tripped over something while we were running for our lives. I knew it was either me or her so I threw her to the entrance and took the blow," Zoroaster winced, "and right now I am extremely fragile about it." He looked at Butters stunned face, "I told you, religious figures can't die."

"Now that we are together," The Temple Lady intervened, "let us explore the chamber in search of your friends."

"There sure are a lot of columns in here." Said Seaman as he looked around the chamber. While the others were exploring the temple Jesus turned to Zoroaster, "What you did back there, that was really brave. Only a true Super Best Friend would sacrifice himself for the safety of innocents."

"Save it," Said Zoroaster, "I only did it to save Karen's life, not to become a member."

"You guys," Stammered Butters who was hiding behind some boulders with the others, "you may want to take a look at this." Jesus and Zoroaster moved to where the others were.

"What is it?" Jesus asked. The puffball pointed to three columns. Chained to the columns were three religious figures that Jesus recognised.

"Oh my God," Said Jesus, "that's Buddha, Smith and Krishna chained to those columns."

"Congratulations," Zoroaster said sarcastically, "No one in this room is a retard."

"So, what are we trying to find again?" A theologist asked his comrade as they both explored the house of Albert Einstein.

"Well, apparently some chick in Oregon named Winnates believes that Einstein was responsible for bringing holy beings back to life, so to see if she was right Rhinestone sent us to investigate the house to find the devise he used."

"Einstein wouldn't have done something like that would he?"

"It's likely he didn't. Besides, it wouldn't make any sense if religious figures were brought back to life by science."

"Hey guys!" A third theologist walked into the living room with something in his hands, "I was checking the basement and I found this…thing hidden behind a bookshelf."

The other two theologists gathered around the third to look at the devise. It looked like a toaster with a lamp wedged in it and a lever on its side. There were no wires on it but it did have a switch on its other side, "There isn't anything in Einstein's book of inventions that mention this thing."

"Hey," The first theologist thought of something, "you guys don't think this is the devise that Rhinestone was looking for, is it?"

"There's only one way to find out," The second theologist replied, "we're gonna test it and see."

They took the devise outside and placed on the ground, "Okay, I think this is the switch that turns it on," The second theologist switched the devise on, "and this lever makes the devise summon religious figures," He pulled the small lever on the devise, "all right mystery devise. Bring us a religious figure."

He stepped back to allow the devise to vibrant violently by itself. It sent out sparks and glowed a cyan colour. After a while the devise stopped glowing and vibrating and stood perfectly still.

"Huh," The second theologist said, "nothing happened."

"Maybe Winnates' theory about Einstein was wrong after all." The first theologist replied.

"Yeah maybe, at least we weren't outsmarted by a girl." The three theologists headed back to their car. "Like I said; religious figures can't be brought back to life by science."

"It's true what they say," The third theologist chimed in; "science and religions don't mix."

"Well, at least we found them." The Lady of the Temple nodded to the chained religious figures.

"Yeah but not like that." Seaman answered.

"We have to help them." Jesus putted Karen down and was about to run to his chained comrades until he felt someone grab a hold of his red sash.

"Not so fast," Said Zoroaster as he held Jesus' sash, "you probably shouldn't do that just yet."

"Why not?"

"There's someone coming." True enough; a hooded stranger entered the chamber towards the chained Super Best Friends. The hood over his head made it impossible to see his face.

"Everyone, stay down." Jesus whispered.

"We're not gonna rescue them?" Butters asked as the group concealed themselves behind the boulders.

"We are, but if we're going to do it, we need to know whose side that hooded stranger is on."

"Anyone else getting the feeling that he won't be a good guy?" Zoroaster asked.

"Be quiet, stay low and we'll be able to know what this guy is up to." Said Jesus.

"…Thanks for answering my question asshole."

The three religious figures glared at the hooded stranger when he approached them.

"Well, well," The stranger said, "three leaders of the some of the most influential world religions have no way of escaping now."

"You won't get away with this!" Smith said defiantly.

"Technically I already did," The stranger remarked, "I'm not the ones chained to columns. Besides, it's about time you gave up hope on your other religious comrades coming here to save you. It'll only be a matter of time until no one remembers where you are, and years longer, when no one will no longer rely on your religions, that nobody will remember who you all are."

"We don't believe you," Said Buddha, "the others will find us."

"Believe what you will, all I know is that you have made us all rely on false hope for too long. Religion has driven people to nothing but war, suffering and separation, and its founders and leaders have only themselves to blame."

"If you're trying to screw our heads over, it's not working." Smith retorted.

"Maybe," The stranger said, "and maybe not. You can try to escape and find a way out but this temple is like a maze. There are many ways in, but only one way out, an invisible exit, that you will never find. Thus, I will help Dark Matter bring atheism on top by keeping you all here and seeing to it that you meet your demise."

"Top schmop," Said Krishna, "you can capture us; maybe even torture us, but you definitely can't kill."

"Yes, yes, I'm well aware of a religious figures' power of resurrection," The stranger exclaimed, slightly irritated, "but seriously, isn't it ironic how people say nothing can kill a religious figures when there is one tool that can do that without fail."

"…What are you saying?" Buddha asked slowly.

"I'm talking about this." The stranger pulled from his robes a conch shell and almost immediately, the religious figures began to grow frightened.

"Conch shell…" Krishna whispered in fear.

"Ah, so you _are _all familiar with a religious figure's death sentence," The stranger said slyly, "don't be frightened. As soon as I have all the Super Best Friends, you will be dead again."

"Oh my God," Said Seaman as the group watched the stranger pull out the conch shell, "He's planning to kill our Super Best Friends by sucking their spirits in conch shells."

"No shit Sherlock." Zoroaster muttered.

"I don't understand," Said Butters, "what's so fearful about a harmless shell you find on the beach?"

"Remember when I said that it's impossible to kill a religious figure?" Zoroaster asked.

"Uh-huh."

"Well…that's not…entirely true…there is…one way," Zoroaster stared at the conch shell as he spoke.

"By a conch shell?"

"If used correctly," Jesus explained, "it can be used as a death causing devise that sucks the spirit of a religious figure into them."

"Ah jeez, that sounds horrible."

"For us, but not for ordinary people like you, and now we know what we're up against we really need to save our comrades, and fast."

"Well, we can't just go in there, headfirst without a plan," Zoroaster exclaimed, "the guy's got an object that can fully kill us in one use. What we need is a distraction."

"Distraction?"

"Something that can distract the guy long enough for us to make a plan. The question is what?" Zoroaster looked around the chamber, hoping to find something that will distract the stranger, "I can't find anything," His eyes then lingered on Butters, "I wonder…"

"Wh-why are you looking at me like that?" Asked Butters meekly.

"Alright Butters, you're gonna distract the douche bag."

"W-what!?"

"It's just until we come up with a proper plan." Said Zoroaster, "It's really no big deal."

"Why can't you guys do it?" Asked Butters, "Or Karen and the Lady of the Temple."

"Because half of us are religious figures and could be killed with a single look at a conch shell, I don't trust the psycho bitch with the distraction and I'm not gonna send a seven year to do it."

"You know, you can be very caring when you want to be." Said Jesus.

"You know you're not helping." The prophet said to him before addressing the puffball again, "Alright now start distracting.

Butters, with a yelp was thrown over the boulders right in front of the hooded stranger.

"What the-"The stranger turned around to look at the puffball, "and who might this be?"

"Uh, w-well I," Butters stuttered, "I-I was just wondering around, j-just passing through."

"Yes well, you came at a bad time," The stranger gestured to the chained religious figures, "I was in the middle of revealing to these holy beings their death sentence."

"Ah jeez. W-well maybe you shouldn't be so hasty, I mean shouldn't these nice looking fellas have last requests before they…kick the bucket."

"…I wish I had more lines." Said Krishna after a long pause.

"And with that I say it's time to prepare their tombs." The stranger said.

"Wait!" Butters yelled, "Wh-what I meant to say was that-that we should…um…wait for…God…to arrive?"

"If you're trying to stall me, it's not working." The stranger retorted.

"Kick him in the balls, that'll slow him down." Smith exclaimed.

"Violence is not the best answer," Said Buddha, "we should try to reason with him peacefully-"

"Shut up Buddha!" Smith and Krishna yelled.

"Oh hamburgers…" Butters groaned.

The others watched behind the boulders at how Butters was doing.

"You may want to find something else Zoroaster," Said Jesus, "because your distraction is doing a terrible job."

"Don't worry, I have a backup plan," Zoroaster assured Jesus as he slipped out from behind the boulders, "Jesus, whatsyourface, you stay here while me, Karen and the Lady of the Temple try to hide behind the columns to get at your friends."

"Alright, but be careful." Jesus and Seaman watched their three comrades slip behind some columns until they were out of site. After they left Jesus felt something breathing down his neck and heard low growling noises.

"Is there a dog in here…?" Jesus wondered aloud, but when he and Seaman turned around they realised that it wasn't an animal but the stone statue of the troll right behind them. "Oh crap-!" The two Super Best Friends tried to make a run for it but the statue was faster, capturing both Super Best Friends in its grip and taking them to the hooded figure.

"Well, well," The stranger said as the statue approached with the captured Super Best Friends, "it appears that my pet has pickled more religious figures."

"Jesus! Seamen!" Krishna yelled.

"It's Sea-man!"

"That doesn't matter now," The stranger retorted, "you are all here, which means it is time for you all to permanently die."

"Can't we just settle this over a hot chocolate?" Asked Butters, "If you try, you might find the Super Best Friends very likable."

"No, it's too late for that now; the Super Best Friends are all here, which means there are no more second thoughts."

"You've forgotten about me dickhead!" Zoroaster came out of his hiding place behind one of the columns with Karen and the Temple Lady behind him.

The stranger gasped when he saw him, "The Iranian prophet Zoroaster!"

"That's my name, don't wear it out."

"Of course, the first of the holy prophets. How could I forget the one who started it all?"

"I did not start the other religions," Zoroaster retorted, "the founders were influenced by my religion, so in a way I did not start them."

"It is true." The Temple Lady answered.

"Ah," The stranger noticed her, "and I see you've brought the Temple Lady with you."

"No, don't-!"

"**IT'S LLLLLLLAAAAAADDDDDDYYYY OF THE TEMMMMPPLLLLLEEEEE!**" She screamed in the stranger's ears.

"What the hell, woman!?" Smith asked, "You could've burst someone's eardrums."

"Well apart from that," Zoroaster replied as he removed something wrapped in paper from his robes, "I recommend that you don't judge me. I got a staff and a blaster and I'm not afraid to use them. I also got…a rosary?" He removed the paper to find the beaded object with a cross on it, "What the hell?"

"Let me guess, you found that in the weapon cabinet as well?" Asked Jesus and then he realised something, "Oh my God! Zoroaster, get rid of it!"

"I will," He threw the object in the front of the group, "apart from praying, these things are pretty useless. I should know because these things failed to save my life."

"Um, why is there smoke coming out it?" Butters noticed that the rosary was protruding smoke.

"Because that isn't an ordinary rosary," Jesus yelled in panic, "we made rosaries to act as explosives! That rosary is a BOMB!

"…Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…" Exclaimed Zoroaster.

The outside of the temple glimmered in the sunlight, completely silent. At least that was until a muffled boom was heard inside, causing the temple to shake slightly.

There was smoke everywhere In the main chamber as Zoroaster coughed and looked around, "Alright, who's hurt and I don't want to hear groaning."

"Me and Karen are alright." Said Butters.

"Also, the explosion destroyed the statue again and the columns," Jesus observed the damage, "in general, nobody got hurt."

"And the chains around us are broken." Said Smith as the now free religious figures moved away from the destroyed columns.

"I saved us all and nearly got us killed in the process," Zoroaster lamented, "I guess this is something you guys don't do every day."

There was a groan heard and the stranger stood up. The group realised that is hood was down to reveal…

"Oh hamburgers, it's David Blaine!" Butters yelled in fear.

"David Blaine? The illusionist?" Zoroaster asked.

"That's right, I tried to murder the Super Best Friends," Blaine growled, "these holy bastards ruined my plan on getting a religion of my own."

"We did?" Asked Jesus.

"Yes! You and the other religious assholes crushed my dreams!"

"You're sure you're not talking about the other branches?" Smith asked, "Because we never met you before in our lives."

"Oh my God," Blaine whispered, "you don't remember me! I can't believe you don't remember me!"

"I can't believe someone would actually fight you." Muttered Zoroaster. Seeing the illusionist like this almost made him look pathetic.

"They have to remember me! I released a giant stone Abraham Lincoln statue on them in Washington!"

"Yeah, I remember the statue," Jesus said and the others nodded in agreement, "we had to use a giant stone John Wilkes Booth to take it down."

"Oh sure! You remember the Abraham Lincoln statue but you don't remember me!"

"If you're done trying to jog these guys' memories, we want to know something," Zoroaster demanded as he pointed his staff at Blaine, "Who sent you?"

"Does fire come out of that staff?" Asked Blaine.

"Yes."

"Damn! Dark Matter hired me to kill the Super Best Friends. While this was partly because I wanted revenge on them for what they did, it was mainly because Dark Matter saw them as a threat to his plans. The Super Best Friends and most importantly, the Keeper of the Keystone."

" Who is Dark Matter?" Jesus demanded, "And what is he up to?"

"Dark Matter is the leader of the U.A.M, the United Atheist Movement, whose goal is to make atheism the only dominant religion. He has been searching for the Keystones of Babylon, the ancient relics that the Keeper of the Keystones protects, to achieve that goal."

"Why would someone go through that kind of trouble just to get rid of our religions?" Jesus wondered aloud, "normally atheists would write books or set up demonstrations just to denounce religion. Hearing what you said about keystones makes it sound like Dark Matter isn't interested in religious beliefs at all."

"That doesn't matter now," Blaine cackled, "because I'm still going to finish the job of killing you all. Once I regenerate my pet again, it'll capture you all, I'll kill the children and then, I'll suck your spirits out."

"Well, I think I heard enough," Said Zoroaster, "time for the escape plan." He then kicked Blaine in the groin.

"Run for it!" The prophet yelled to the others as Blaine doubled over.

"Wait a minute, what about the Temple Lady?" Jesus asked as everyone ran to the nearest exit.

"Fuck her! No one likes to be around a bitch who has volume problems!"

As the group raced out of the chamber, they passed a skeleton of a human, which Zoroaster slowed down slightly to look at.

"Well, what'd ya know," He said in awe, "we weren't the first to get lost in here."

"God-dammit Zoroaster!" Jesus ran back to the prophet, "There's a insane illusionist out to kill us and you're studying remains!?"

"Remains that may come in handy someday-" But his sentence was cut short by a roar in the main chamber, "You know what? You're right, now isn't the best time." They then ran off to catch up with the others.

"Don't look back, don't look back, don't look back," Zoroaster said to himself as he, Butters, Karen and the Super Best Friends ran for their lives.

"Oh hamburgers, we're gonna die!" Yelled Butters.

"Seriously, can you think of anything else beside?" Zoroaster asked, not realising the wall he just ran into, "Ah fuck!"

"Aw crap," Jesus exclaimed as he and the others stopped running and looked at the blocked entrance in panic, "we're trapped!"

"You can say that again," Yelled Zoroaster, "at this rate, we'd have to have superpowers to get out of this temple." He then noticed the Super Best Friends exchanging uncomfortable glances and he narrowed his eyes at them, "You eh…you guys have actual superpowers, don't you?"

"Well…kind of." Jesus faltered.

"You either do or you don't."

"All right, yes we do have superpowers." Said Krishna.

"Holy crackers, really?" Asked Butters.

"Really," Smith replied, "we have proof because there're people on the other side of that wall."

Zoroaster looked at the blocked entrance, "Enhanced senses, figures." A distant roar was heard, "I think it's time you put those powers to use, 'cause I think Blaine literally found his balls and has regenerated the statue." He looked at the Super Best Friends, "Alright, can anyone here break through a wall?"

"The Olympians never wanted this to happen," The Pura Fides leader said, "they were trying to protect this world from great catastrophe."

"Protect our world from what?" Gollum asked.

"It's a long complicated story, one that involves religious figures-"

"Oh my God, not these guys too!" Charlie exclaimed, "Religious figures don't exist!"

"That's what the atheists said!" One Pura Fides member exclaimed.

"Charlie, what're you doing?" Kyle asked when he saw her girlfriend walked up the front.

"I'm proving you all straight, that religious figures aren't real once and for all," She addressed the Pura Fides, "everybody listen up! What you're all believing is nothing but complete lies. The Olympians aren't real. The myths and legends aren't real."

"You don't understand," Said the leader, "the Olympians-"

"Are nothing but figment of our imaginations!"

"Dude your girlfriend's talking these guys down." Stan told Kyle.

"I am only going to say this once so you better listen!" Said Charlie, "There are no such thing as Olympians, no such thing as deities and especially, no such thing as religious figures!"

At that moment the wall behind Charlie burst open thanks to Buddha.

"If we ever get out of this alive, you all had better have a good reason for not telling me earlier that you all have superpowers." Said Zoroaster as he, Butters, Karen and the other Super Best Friends entered the chamber through the hole.

"It'll be a perfectly good one, I promise." Jesus and the others then noticed the Pura Fides, the kids and Gollum staring at them, with Charlie being the most stunned.

"Huh…there _are_ people here." Muttered Zoroaster.

"Fellas!" Yelled Butters happily when he saw his friends.

"Kenny!" Karen yelled in delight when she saw her brother.

"Karen!" Kenny hugged her sister, "You're here and okay!"

"Butters, what're you doing here?" Stan asked.

"Ah, it's kind of a long story. Did you know that religious figures can be buddies?"

"…What?"

"Stan? Kyle?" Jesus approached the two friends, "What're you two doing here?"

"It's a long story." Stan explained, "We came here to find you and the Super Best Friends."

"Can you wait till later to say why you're here?," Said Zoroaster. He then noticed the stunned Charlie, "Is that how you always look or you're just surprised to see us?" He then addressed the Pura Fides, "There's something you should all know; there's an enchanted stone statue of a troll trying to capture us and there's a strong chance he might come here."

The Pura Fides murmured in shock at what Zoroaster said.

"Are you sure?" Asked Gollum.

"Hey lady, we just narrowly escaped the thing and it's coming right at us-oh my God!" He then noticed the dead fetus attached to Gollum's face, "Ew, _ew_, there's a fetus stuck on the side of your face!"

"Thanks for making me more self-conscious of it." Gollum muttered.

Suddenly there was a roar on the other side and the chamber began to sake. Stones and bits of rubble came falling from the ceiling.

"Okay, either that thing is trying to get in or it's caving us in." Said Zoroaster as bigger chunks of the ceiling came falling.

"We need to get out!" Yelled Andrew over the roaring.

"O' Holy ones, do you see that wall I am pointing to?" The leader asked.

"Yeah." Said Jesus.

"We are directly outside the temple from there, use that blaster that the Iranian prophet is holding to save us-AHHH!" Just then a stone shrapnel fell from the ceiling and went straight through the leader's chest, much to the others' horror.

"Oh my God!"

"Holy shit dude!"

"Ho crap!"

The leader collapsed on the ground while Zoroaster looked at the wall he was pointing at, "Everyone stand back!" He aimed the blaster at the wall, "We're getting out of here!" The giant laser hit the wall, creating a huge hole in it and exposing sunlight from the outside.

"Everybody out!" Jesus yelled out to the crowd as more of the ceiling fell. The Pura Fides all rushed towards the exit.

"Charlie, come on!" Kyle grabbed his girlfriend and followed his friends, Gollum and the Super Best Friends out of the temple.

"I never would've thought I'd be able to shake those arrows off." Muttered Dark Matter as he checked the time for flights to Greece on his laptop, "It just proves that the summer solstice in Europe is almost upon us." He checked his calendar where the 21 in June was circled.

"Legend says that supernatural phenomenon always happens on solstices," Dark Matter smirked, "and this summer solstice will be no exception,"

He looked at the two Keystones on his desk that he kept hidden in his bookshelf from the Olympians, "Patience now, you're half way there. You just need two more and then you'll finally deal with the…unfinished business," He then looked at his laptop again, "starting by paying a visit to a Greek village, which at this point has been invaded by the dark knights; the Tenebris."

Zoroaster dragged the mortally wounded Pura Fides leader to the others, who were all hiding behind boulders.

"Zoroaster, what're you doing?" Asked Jesus when he saw the leader.

"I came back for this guy," Explained Zoroaster, "he's not dead yet and he insists on telling us something important."

"I _do_ have something important to tell you." The leader gasped and then he spotted Karen who was hiding behind Kenny, "Her…it can't be…" He couched fiercely.

"If you have something to tell us, can you make it quick?" Zoroaster insisted, "Blaine is still trying to look for us, you know."

The leader took the yellow Keystone out of his robes and gave it to Stan, "You must not let Dark Matter…get his hands…on this Keystone. He is determined to get all four…before the European summer solstice…"

"Summer solstice?" Kyle wondered.

"What do we do next?" Jesus asked the leader.

"Return to the States…journey to Oregon…there you will find a theologist who was once a Pura Fides member…Professor Rhinestone…he has the answer…"

"Professor Rhinestone?" Andrew asked.

"Yes…and also…" The leader pointed to Karen, "the girl…"

"Karen? What about her?" Jesus asked.

"Super Best Friends…leaders of faith…protectors of innocents…vanquishers of evil…guardians of truth-"

"Yeah, we get the message, we're good people," Zoroaster said irritably, "now tell us about the girl."

"You must defend and…protect…the young girl with your lives…for she…she…_ssssshhhhhheeeeeee_…"

"She's what?" Jesus asked urgently.

While trying to struggle to say the reason, solid logs began to come out from the leader's robes and then he fell silent, dead silent.

"…Dude, this is pretty fucked up right now." Said Stan.

Zoroaster checked the leader's pulse, "Okay yeah, _now _he's dead."

"And before he can tell why it's important to protect Karen." Said Jesus.

Krishna looked at the brown faeces, "I can't help feeling this would be sadder if he didn't crap his pants."

"There's no helping it now," Said Stan, "we need to get back to America and fast."

"Yeah, back to human-oh shit." Zoroaster noticed the stone statue standing right behind them, "Everybody duck!" He aimed his staff at the troll and a fireball erupted from it, striking the statue in the face.

Just noticing the statue, the group ran for their lives away from the troll and behind the temple.

"Wait a minute that things got Nurse Gollum!" Yelled Stan as they saw the troll capture Gollum in its grip.

"And I think it also has your polka wearing friend." Observed Zoroaster.

"Kenny!" The kids watched with horror as they realised that Kenny is in the statue's other grip.

"Is it too late to go back for him?" Seaman asked, but before any of them could act, the statue threw Kenny to the ground and squashed him under its feet. Blood seeped from the statue's feet.

"Too late." Said Buddha.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"

"You bastards!"

"Why do I get the feeling that you two say that a lot?" Zoroaster said to Stan and Kyle.

"I think it's an impulse mechanism." Everyone turned to find Hermes, Apollo and Artemis appear behind them.

"Hermes! You're okay!" Yelled Butters, "How did you manage to escape from the atheists.

"That's not important. We're here to get you out of this country."

"Ugh, it's about time," Zoroaster muttered, "I was afraid that I would lose it if I stayed another minute in this craphole.

Blaine saw the flash of light behind the temple and smiled evilly, "I have you now Super Best Friends." He yelled in dismay when he turned the corner and found there was nothing there, "God-dammit, they've escaped! Right under my nose!"

"Dark Matter will never win!" Exclaimed Gollum, "Their purpose is to stop him-AH!" The statue squeezed Gollum in its grip.

"Will you shut up?! It'll keep me from finding out if removing that fetus on your face truly is lethal to your health!"

"Okay, so that's 2 dollars," The bus driver said. Ike paid the driver and took a seat.

"Are you visiting from another state too?" The elderly man beside him asked.

"Yes."

"Ah yes, the west states are nice at this time of year. I heard that Europe is going to have its summer solstice soon," He looked at Ike, "legend has it that every solstice, in the right place, at the right time, supernatural phenomenons occur."

"…I poop my pants." Said Ike.

"I know it's fascinating."

The grass around Einstein's house swayed in the cool night-time breeze. The stars were everywhere in the sky and the devise that the theologists left on the ground began to glow again. It sparkled and vibrate until a beam of light shot out of the devise and straight up into the starry sky.

The beam continued going up until there was an explosion in the heavens and something fell from the sky onto the planet. The object collided with the earth, leaving a huge crater in the process.

Through the smoke, something flew out of the crater and into the night.

"Now why can't this thing give me coffee," Rhinestone muttered to himself as tried to figure out what was wrong with the coffee machine, "I tell ya, if I don't get my coffee soon, we're gonna have a serious problem."

"Professor Rhinestone!" Eisen rushed into the tent, "You gotta see the news!"

"Looks like my coffee will have to wait," He followed Eisen to the computer, "that coffee machine was lucky. We were gonna have a serious problem. What is so important on the news anyway?"

"Just watch." Rhinestone looked at the reporter on the screen who was next to what looked like a crater.

"I'm standing next to this crater that has appeared in this area less than two hours ago,"

Said the reporter, "there was nothing inside the crater however. For some of you that remember the shooting star phenomenon of 1948 to 1992, this is the first time in ten years that something like this has happened."

"See," Eisen said, "He said that this happened before from 1948 to 1992. Do you realise what this means?"

"I do," Rhinestone replied seriously, "it means that Winnates was right about Einstein all along."

He looked at the sky. Although he was relieved by this statement, he also knew that the worst part was just beginning.


	3. Gnostic Angel

"Did you check the connections!?"

"Why isn't it working?!"

"We're trying to solve the problem!"

Inside a twenty foot tall building, members of the Order of Religion were running around, trying franticly to fix something. Giant computers in the back showed images of radar screens

"Ollie, did you fix the radar for the tracking devise?" A female member desperately asked a man in overalls and a panicky face.

"I'm trying," Ollie said nervously, "it doesn't make sense though, the thing is working but the signal is lost. Oh God, she's gonna be majorly pissed by this…"

He rushed to the door to get out of the meeting room, but then the door opened and hit Ollie in the face and a woman in dark grey cloths, with jet black hair entered the room.

"All right," She said in a demanding voice, "where's that little piss-ass mechanic gone to?"

"Here…" Ollie said weakly behind the door.

"Ollie, can you explain to me why one of our tracking devises aren't working, and it better be a good explanation not another of your crappy excuses."

"W-well Miss Anthrope, it's a bit of a funny story…"

Static came out of the monitor, Vosknocker frowned at this.

"Well that can't be right." Vosknocker muttered as he held the monitor to his ear.

"What's going on?" The General asked.

"It appears that the P-chip is experiencing a malfunction."

"P-chip?"

"That's the name of the chip I implanted in the religious figure." Vosknocker frowned when he figured out the problem, "Now _that _is unusual."

"What?"

"It seems that the chip is still working but something is preventing it from letting us hear more of the religious figures' surroundings. It's like he disappeared off the face of the earth."

It was the General's turn to frown, "That doesn't make sense. Where could he be if he's not on earth?"

Miss Anthrope pinned Ollie to the wall, "What do you mean Gollum's been kidnapped?!"

"I-I'm trying to make this as simple as possible," Ollie stammered, "from what I heard Gollum was captured by some stone statue of a troll in Iraq while looking for the religious figures there. They were found there all right and somehow managed to escape."

"And where are they now?"

"I don't know. The tracking devise we implanted in one of the religious figures is working but something is preventing us from finding their location. It's like they disappeared off the face of the earth."

"Well where the hell could they be if they're not on earth?!" Miss Anthrope demanded.

The three Olympians; Apollo, Hermes and Artemis rose from the clouds before the golden gates that led to their domain.

"Everyone alright?" Hermes asked as Stan Marsh popped up from the clouds.

"Dude, where are we?" He asked as his friends; Kyle Bloflovski and Charlie Pierzynski appeared beside him.

"You're in our domain," Apollo explained, "off the face of the earth."

"Your domain?" Andrew suddenly appeared, "You mean we're in…_Olympus_?"

"Yes or least, we're at the entrance." Artemis replied. Karen McCormick then popped up from the clouds and ran beside her brother's friends. Seeing Karen made Stan realise something.

"Hey, where's Butters?"

"And where's the Super Best Friends? Kyle added as the two friends looked around.

"Right here." Jesus responded as he and the other Super Best Friends popped up from the clouds.

"Oh good, you're here," Said Hermes, "for a minute there, we thought you'd wind up in the other domains."

"How can you say that when you guys were the ones who brought us here?" Kyle asked.

"Teleportation can be a bitch at times," Zoroaster answered as he appeared, "if not used correctly, it can take you to random places you don't want to go to."

"Ah jeez, I don't feel so good." Butters Stotch groaned as he clutched his stomach.

"You're not use to letting magic do the assisting," Apollo explained, "there's a term for what we deities use to describe getting woozy by magic. It's called 'spell sickness'."

"That's a good one." Jesus chuckled.

Just then the golden gates creaked open, revealing the majestic temple ahead of them, "Dammit, I really need to get these things checked and oiled." A Greek God in brown robes, a paper bag over his head and carrying a walking stick muttered.

"Hephaestus, you were standing there the whole time?" Artemis asked.

"Zeus told me to stay at the gates and open them when you three returned," The God of Forges looked at the group behind them, "and it looks like you brought company as well."

"We had to make a side stop in Iraq before heading back," Hermes explained, "it was where the half-mortals were."

"Makes perfect sense."

"You all read about Hephaestus, the smith God and one of the Olympians?" Apollo asked the group

"In a way," Said Zoroaster, "I know I shouldn't ask but what's with the paper bag?"

"It all started years ago, when the Golden Age still existed," Hephaestus explained, "I was born with a hideously deformed face that made me an outcast in Olympus. It wasn't until I found my talents in the blacksmiths that I was ranked an Olympian, one of the most respected Gods of the Greek Deities."

"But you're still ugly and we insist you wear that bag." Hermes said plainly, "anyway, are the others inside?"

"Yes, they're all waiting for your return."

"Right, let's head to the Centre Temple," He turned to the group, "come with us.

"Wow, we're gonna meet them," Andrew said excitedly, "the Olympians. We're actually going to meet them."

"Dude, try to calm down, we're in the presence of holy guys." Kyle replied. He looked at Charlie and noticed that she was looking at the ground and keeping her distance from the Super Best Friends.

"So this Centre Temple, is that like a temple where you all meet or something?" Jesus asked.

"The Centre Temple isn't just a meeting place for us, it's for all the Greek Deities," Hermes explained, "It's also the place where we can monitor different parts of the Mortal World. Zeus uses the temple as his private study when we're not meeting in it."

"We just have a giant computer back home." The Hindu Deity Krishna replied.

"Watch your step." Said Artemis.

"How can there be steps? We're on fricking clouds!" Zoroaster exclaimed.

"Clouds aren't stable; you just never know when they'll move."

"…Are you fucking serious…?"

"Don't worry." Hephaestus assured the prophet, "These clouds are enchanted. They'll only move when we're all at the Centre Temple and fully off them."

"That's one way of putting it."

"Is anyone else in that temple?" Stan asked.

"Some of the Olympians I presume," Said Apollo, "I know Zeus and Hestia will definitely be there and hopefully, they haven't fully run out of options."

The Olympians stared at the Super Best Friends in disbelief. Kyle was starting to get the sense that the silence was getting uncomfortable.

"The Super Best Friends are a group of religious figures." Zeus said incredulously.

"Zeus that's the fifth time you said that," Said Hermes, "I know it's hard to believe but yes, the Super Best Friends are not human immortals per-say…"

"The only difference is that we can't die." The Mormon prophet Joseph Smith added.

"Great comeback," Zoroaster muttered before addressing the Olympians, "just so you all know I'm not a Super Best Friend. I only just somehow got dragged into all…this and ended up with these guys."

"Sure you did," Zeus said unconvinced, "keep talking and I'll zap you and what about the mortal children?" He pointed to the three boys and two girls, "Why did you bring them?"

"They were with the religious figures when we found them," Apollo explained, "We believe that they're accomplices."

"Tell me," Athena looked at the kids, "are you all human immortals?"

"What-no!" Said Stan, "We're just normal ten-year old kids who are in the fourth grade."

"_Still_?" Jesus asked.

"They may be religious figures but they have the potential of helping us," Hestia told Zeus, "our agent said so and besides, who else are you going to turn to?"

Zeus thought for a moment, "Good point."

"Excuse me," Zoroaster intervened, "but can someone tell us the reason why you brought us here."

"Yes, of course," Said Hestia as she addressed the group, "here's the situation; a few weeks ago, the black knights, the Tenebris returned from the grave."

"Tenebris?!" Andrew screamed in alarm, "Y-you mean that the enemies of Alethea are back."

"Dude, weren't those the same knights you told us about?" Stan asked the Greek boy.

"Y-yeah and n-now they're back," Andrew stammered, "I hope Alethea is okay."

"Your village was invaded yesterday." Apollo said plainly.

"Wh-what?!"

"Dude how do you know that?" Kyle asked.

"Apart from being the God of Music, I'm also the God of Prophecy, so I can see into the past and future."

"I just know the elements, mainly fire." Zoroaster muttered.

"The Pura Fides did say that these were difficult times." Said Kyle. He then realised that what he said caught the attention of the Olympians.

"The Pura Fides?" Athena asked, "You all met the Pura Fides?"

"Well, it was just the three boys and the girl." Smith said although he was unsure about Charlie's gender, "You…are a girl…right?"

"That doesn't matter," Athena waved a hand dismissively, "we know the Pura Fides through the founder and namesake of Alethea and if the children met them then they must have been told something important."

"Does it matter?" Charlie asked irritably.

"Yes, we'll be able to know any important information you were given."

"Why don't you ask them?!," She pointed a finger at the Super Best Friends, "They were in that temple too!"

"We were in a separate part," Said Jesus, "and you're not helping by not being cooperative."

"Excuse me if I didn't ask to be a part of this," Charlie snapped, "in fact I don't want to be a part of this at all!" With that, she stormed out of the temple.

"Wow, she's a lot of fun," Zoroaster said sarcastically, "glad we brought her along."

"I can't help but feel that she doesn't want to be near us." Said Buddha.

"Yeah, I think she's kind of pissed that she was wrong about you guys not existing." Stan explained.

"We did not know that." Said Jesus.

"To be honest, that was sort of a bitch belief." Hermes added.

Kyle sighed, "I'll go and talk to her, see if I can make her understand that you all need us."

"You might need a hatchet while you're at it." Artemis exclaimed as Kyle walked out of the temple.

"Moving on," Zeus turned to the group, "did the Pura Fides tell anything important? Anything that could help us stop the Tenebris."

"I don't think they talked about the Tenebris at all," Explained Stan, "all they told us was the reason they existed and something about some keeper…"

"The Keeper of the Keystones," Zeus murmured, "The protector of the Keystones of Babylon. It has been a long time since the keystones and their keeper became involved."

"Was there anything else?" Asked Athena.

"Well…" Jesus took over, "Their leader did give us one of those keystone things before…voiding his bowels…for the last time"

"He told us not to let Dark Matter get it." Said Stan as he took the keystone out of his coat pocket and showed it to the Olympians.

"Dark Matter eh?" Zeus wondered aloud, "I think we may have identified the true master mind behind all this."

"He told us to protect the keystone from Dark Matter. He also told the Super Best Friends to protect Karen."

"Karen?" Hestia asked.

"Yeah, she's the little girl hiding behind me." Butters gestured toward Karen. The Goddess stared intently at Karen in deep thought, but the other Olympians focused on Stan.

"Mortal boy, was there one more thing he said?" Asked Zeus.

"Yeah, he told us all to look for some former member named Rhinestone in Oregon."

"That's it?"

"Yeah, that's it."

Zeus hummed slightly as he took in what Stan said.

"Um fellas," Butters said, "the Greek lady won't stop looking at me."

"The splitting image…" Hestia murmured as she looked at Karen rather than Butters, "I wonder…"

"Hestia?" Zeus asked.

Hestia quickly looked away, "It's nothing." She said hastily.

Zeus faltered slightly before looking at the group, "You may leave this room. Do not come back until us Olympians have made a decision and call you all back. Hermes will tell you then."

Charlie slumped on the edge of a fountain, her hands on her knees and resting her chin in them in deep thought. Everything happened so fast in the past sixteen hours and in those hours; she discovered that everything she believed about holy beings was wrong. She groaned and shook her head; she hadn't felt like this since she still lived with her real mom.

It didn't take her long to realise that she was not alone. Looking up she saw her boyfriend approaching him, neither of them spoke for a few minutes.

"Hey." He said after a while.

"Hey."

He sat down beside her, "this is a nice fountain."

"Yeah, I found it when I was leaving the temple."

Kyle nodded, "You know this place is kind of nice when you look at it a second time."

"I guess…," Charlie then looked at Kyle, "but that's not the reason why you're here."

Kyle took a deep breath, carefully deciding what to say next, "Look Charlie, maybe your belief isn't real but that doesn't mean you should feel resentful about it. A lot of people have been wrong in the past but they moved on."

"Kyle, these are religious figures we're talking about. _Religious figures_." She repeated, "Unlike normal beliefs, this one sticks on you and you can't get rid of it. Everything I thought was true wasn't." She glared at Kyle, "And you knew they were real, didn't you?"

Kyle sighed, "Yes I admit it. We met on a couple of occasions but luckily they don't get many appearances so the chances of seeing them often were very slim. Well Jesus we met a few times but he appeared less as time went by." He stopped talking when Charlie turned to look the other way. He frowned slightly, Zeus was right about one thing; the villain Dark Matter is looking for the keystones, the ancient relics that could have an effect on the world and whatever that effect was, it can't be good, and if him and his friends were going to stop Dark Matter they needed the support of Charlie.

"You don't have to do this for them." Charlie turned to look at her boyfriend, "What?"

"Dark Matter is the bad guy Charlie," Kyle explained, "we've seen what he's capable of and he won't rest until he gets his hands on all the keystones. If he does, everyone on this planet may be in danger."

"Even Becca?" Charlie asked with worry, "And Davy?"

"Including them." Davy was Charlie's infant brother who lived in Denver. Although Charlie rarely saw Davy, she still worried about him, "All I'm saying is that if we're gonna stop Dark Matter we need to work together as a team. Yes, the Super Best friends will be with us but you don't have to do this for them. Do this for our families."

Charlie thought for a moment at what Kyle said, "How do I know you're not saying this just to make me go easy on them."

"Don't you trust me?"

"I do trust you," Said Charlie as she took Kyle's hand, "alright, I'll do it, for our families."

"Great," Exclaimed Kyle as he stood up, "we should go find the others and see what they're up to."

"Charlie nodded, "Right, let's go."

As Charlie walked on ahead, Kyle looked over his shoulder at the temple behind the fountain, grape vines growing around it. At the back of his mind, Kyle couldn't help but feel someone was eavesdropping on their conversation.

"I wonder what the less famous people are doing right now." Zoroaster muttered as he sat on a rock on the roof of the vine spreading temple. He watched the Super Best Friends listening in on Kyle and Charlie's conversation from the roof.

"Th-this isn't a place for _(hic)_ sightseeing you know," A Greek God in deep brown robes and grape vines around his head slurred. He held a golden cup in his hand, "and where's Iris with my five bucks."

"We won't be much longer," Jesus replied, "we just need to be assured of something and then we're gone."

"Why can't it just be something we have to put up with?" Zoroaster asked, "So the girl thought we didn't exist. There're a lot of people out there who think we don't exist these days."

"Yeah but don't forget; she's as much involved in this as the other children are," Jesus explained, "and if we're going to function properly, we all need to be in this together."

"I didn't ask to be a part of this you know." Zoroaster muttered under his breath.

"That's the problem with _(hic)_ mortals these days," The Greek God said, "they believe what they want to believe, one minute they're kissing your feet, looking up to you for help, the next minute they're moving on in their lives, thinking that they can get on well without us."

"…Are you drunk?" Asked Zoroaster.

"They say the same thing you know." The Greek God replied as he squeezed grape juice into his cup, "I was once an _(hic)_ Olympian until I got sacked _(hic)."_

"You're Dionysus," Said Jesus, "the God of whine."

"Oh good, someone gave a crap _(hic)_ about reading me," Said Dionysus, "I was stripped of my title as Olympian _(hic)_ and that was long after the Golden Age and the Deity _(hic)_ Peace Treaty was signed. Why the hell did those sons of bitches _(hic)_ sacked me anyway?"

"I'm sure they had their reasons," Said Zoroaster, though seeing this God drunk beyond annoyance may have given him an idea why. He turned to the Super Best Friends, "Can you guys hurry this up? This guy's babbling is really starting to get me pissed."

"You didn't have to come with us you know." Buddha said plainly.

"Hey, I wasn't going to stay and look after a few kids alright. I'm a religious figure, not a babysitter."

"Alright, they're finished," Said Smith as he stood up.

"So what happened?" Asked Jesus.

"Well the good news is Kyle convinced the girl, whose name is Charlie to help us," Smith explained, "though I think it's going to take a while for her to trust us and I'm pretty sure Kyle had a sense that we were listening."

"Charlie," Dionysus exclaimed, "that's a _(hic) _bitch move on how to your kid. Is it suppose to be _(hic)_ funny and cute or something?"

"No," Said Jesus, "I think it's a nickname for Charlotte."

"Yeah, and it isn't polite to be eavesdropping as well." Hermes hovered over the Super Best Friends.

"How long were you floating there?" Asked Jesus.

"Long enough to listen to you all learning about what those kids were talking about."

"Hey Hermes," Dionysus slurred, "Do I get my position as Olympian back?"

"Dionysus you ask me that every time I come to your temple," Said Hermes, "and the answer is no, not until you learn to stop getting drunk all the time."

"I'm not drunk _(hic)_ I just got a foggy mind and excuse me if I'm disliked."

"It's not that we don't like you," Hermes replied, "we just hate your drinking." He then turned to the Super Best Friends, "anyway, the Olympians want you all back at the Centre Temple."

"Oh thank God, are we gonna be sent back to earth or what?" Asked Zoroaster.

"You will, but first Zeus wants to talk to all about the task you were assigned. Follow me."

"If you see Iris, tell her that I'm still _(hic)_ waiting for my five bucks." Dionysus called out as the Super Best Friends exited the roof.

"Is he always like that?" Zoroaster asked the Messenger God when they exited the temple.

"He's usually worse," Hermes answered, "especially during leap days."

"Alright, here's the situation," Zeus addressed the group when they returned to the Centre Temple, "as you learned, the mortal Dark Matter is gathering the Keystones of Babylon for something that could endanger the Mortal World and the Tenebris has invaded Alethea."

"Wait, if you guys are all concerned about this then why can't you do it?" Stan asked.

"Because stupid, after the Deity Peace Treaty was signed it became forbidden to get involved in mortal affairs for us, and that's where they," Zeus pointed to the Super Best Friends, "come in."

"What do you mean?" Asked Jesus.

"We can't get involved in mortal affairs but you all can. You were given the task to find the mortal Rhinestone and that is just what you will do. Journey back to the mortal world, go to Oregon and find Rhinestone. He may tell you about our connection with the village and if you're lucky, he may tell you about Dark Matter's plans as well."

"I'm not a Super Best Friend but do I still have to go with them?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Yes."

"Shit."

"Iris, the Goddess of Rainbows will take you all back to the Mortal World," Said Athena, "you will find her in a temple that is covered in spectrum colours. Hermes will take you there."

A woman the size of a fairy, with spectrum wings and a spectrum dress was reading a manual on teleportation when Hermes came in.

"Iris, are you in here?" The messenger God asked.

"I'm pretty sure the outside of this temple made my eyes dance." Zoroaster muttered as he and the rest of the group entered the temple.

"Hello to you all," The fairy sized woman said cheerfully, "welcome to the Temple of Iris. I believe these are the mortal children and religious figures that I've been told to bring back to their world."

Zoroaster snorted a laugh, "Who's the pipsqueak with the wings?" The fairy bashed him in the head with her staff, "How dare you make fun of my size?! Never judge someone by their appearance!"

"The Goddess that just hit you with her staff is Iris." Hermes replied calmly before turning to the rest of the group, "Whatever you do, don't insult her size."

"…Dude." Murmured Stan. He knew that if Cartman were with them he would've got a bashing from Iris non-stop.

"I was expecting a much more respected greeting then that, particularly if it is a religious figure," Iris exclaimed, "has the Mortal World made the religious figures crasser, more ignorant like the mortals themselves or do mortals no longer have manners?"

"Well I think it's a bit of both," Said Hermes, "the latest millennium has thought mortals that manners is a complete waste of time."

Iris hummed slightly, "Now I'm not so sure about bringing this lot back to their world."

"You'd be doing them a huge favour by bringing them back." Hermes then pointed to Zoroaster, "Unless you want to hear more of what this guy has to say about your size."

"Why are you bringing me into this?" The prophet asked.

Iris huffed, "That is worse. Alright, I'll bring them back, but if you all are too ignorant to do your task then you don't deserve my help again."

"Fair enough." Said Jesus.

"And just so we're clear, I'm not doing this for you guys, I'm doing this for my friends and family." Charlie told the Super Best Friends.

"You're a lot of fun, glad you're coming with us." Zoroaster said sarcastically.

"Hang on," Said Hermes, "before you go, there's something you should have." He held in his hands a pure silver bell that was encrusted with gems.

"What's that?" Kyle asked.

"It's an Olympian bell. If you ever want to return to Olympus just ring it."

"We'll keep that in mind," Said Zoroaster as he took the bell, "so let's do this thingy."

"You mean go to Oregon and find Rhinestone?" Asked Jesus.

"Yeah sure whatever."

"I can already tell that the ignorance is kicking in," Iris muttered as she fiddled with beads that glowed different colours, "these orbs will take you to any state in America, like Montana, Arizona or even Colorado. Ah yes…Colorado, the mortals in that state are full of ignorant bastards."

"I don't see a nametag," Said Kyle, "so which one will take us to Oregon?"

"I find the orb that will send you to Oregon," Said Iris, "you see, I have trained myself to know which orb is which without nametags-what are you doing?!"

Zoroaster was holding a yellow orb in his hand, "Should we just try choosing a state based on the colour of their flags, it can happen."

"Put that down!" Iris screamed, "Those orbs can be highly unstable. If it drops you will all be teleported to one of the states!"

"Okay first of all, I don't take being bossed around lightly," Zoroaster retorted, "and secondly, the orb didn't fall, it's perfectly secured-oops." He accidently dropped the orb where it smashed to the ground. Smoke and sparks escaped from it.

"Oh this can't be good." Said Buddha.

"You idiot!" Iris screeched, "Now you're going to end up somewhere else, not in Oregon."

The smoke and sparks surrounded the group and in a flash of light they were gone, leaving Hermes, who flew out of the way, staring at the shattered orb.

"Hopefully the state they'll all end up in isn't far from Oregon." Hermes said to himself. He looked around and realised that Iris wasn't here.

"Dude, I don't think we're in Olympus anymore." Kyle said as he looked around the town they were in.

"Well, at least we're in civilisation again." Stan replied.

"I'll have you know Olympus is a civilisation as well," Said Iris, "the difference is we aren't ignorant."

"What are you doing here?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Thanks to you, I am stuck in the Mortal World and I have no way of getting back to Olympus."

"And we have no idea where we are." Said Jesus.

"Does that sign give us a clue?" Butters pointed to a sign that said '**Silver City, New Mexico**'.

"Shit we're in the Spanish speaking state," Zoroaster replied before getting bashed in the head by Iris.

"I warned you!" She shouted, "I told you not to touch the orbs! I told you they were unstable! I told you that only I can tell them apart!"

"…So what do we do now?" Asked Seaman as Iris continued bashing Zoroaster, "How do we get to Oregon?"

"I don't know Seamen." Jesus answered and he and the other Super Best Friends burst out laughing.

"It's Sea-man!"

"Dude I hate my life." Muttered Stan as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Good news general," Said Vosknocker, "the P-chip is working again."

"Well that keeps me from blowing up the moon," The General replied, "put it on the table.

The doctor placed the monitor on the table and switched it on. Over mild static, a female voice was heard, _"I told you! I told you! I told you! I told you!"_

"_Okay stop, stop!" _The voice of Zoroaster emitted from the monitor, _"I get it, I screwed up, but we can still get to Oregon. We just need to get a train from here to Oregon and things will be fine."_

"_Silver City no longer has a train station." _Another male voice exclaimed.

"_Well we could always rent a caravan."_ A child's voice that sounded meek said.

"_Butters that is probably the smartest thing you said in the last few days."_ Said Zoroaster.

"_Knowledge can come from anything." _Another male voice that sounded foreign said.

"_Shut up Buddha!" _a forth male voice yelled.

"Buddha?" The General said, "So the religious figures have somehow arrived from their base in Babylon back in America."

"I'm curious general," Said Vosknocker, "why did you lock a religious figure away from the public for 64 years?"

"It was more the government's choice then mine," The General explained, "I don't fully know the details behind it all but I think it had something to do with preventing a national controversy."

"The things the government would do to keep order in our nation," Vosknocker exclaimed, "sometimes I wonder if we humans followed the government blindly and if it were a mistake to keep the religious figure away from the outside world, to not be allowed to adapt to our own time."

"_Look a gas station, and it sells caravans." _Another child's voice was heard. It had a barely noticeable New York accent.

"Believe what you want Vosknocker, my priority is finding the religious figure." Said the general as he listened in on the conversation.

"_Eh excuse me sir, can we buy a caravan?" _The male voice from earlier asked.

"…_Qu__ē?" _A Spanish person was heard over the monitor.

"_Oh are you kidding me, can, we, buy, a, caravan?"_

"…_Quē?"_

"_Son of a…Krishna can I have your Spanish dictionary for a minute?"_

"_I didn't bring it with me." _A new voice, also foreign with an exotic tang to it spoke from the monitor.

"_I think I should take over from here." _Zoroaster replied and the next few sentences he spoke in were in fluent Spanish to whoever they were talking to. That person spoke something in agreement in Spanish.

"_I got us a caravan." _Zoroaster said proudly in English again.

"_Dude since when did you speak Spanish?" _The exotic voice asked.

"_If you guys are surprised that I speak Spanish you should also see me talking in other languages. Anyway, that's another story for another day; right now let's just get to Oregon."_

"My God, they got the Spanish under their command!" The General exclaimed, "That's it, I'm nuking them!"

"General no!" Yelled Vosknocker, "Think about what you're doing! We don't know for sure if the religious figures are plotting something or not! You could damage millions of lives for nothing!"

"Doing nothing isn't an option either! I can't just sit here and let them get away with what they're doing! I'm gonna nuke them and that's final!" Suddenly someone smashed a vase over the General's head and he fell unconscious.

Five minutes later.

"This isn't personal general," Vosknocker explained through a locked closet, "I just didn't think it was worth the risk jumping to conclusions and releasing missiles on random areas. Besides, if you wait a minute, you may find that the religious figures are doing what they're doing for a reason that has good intentions."

"Vosknocker, get me out of here!" The General shouted from the other side of the closet.

"Right well, clearly you need some time to cool down…"

"When I get out of here, I'm gonna rip your fucking head off!"

"Okay, a lot of time to cool down." Vosknocker replied.

"I've worked with that guy for twenty years and I always wanted to do that." A specialist who was holding the rim of a vase told the doctor.

Dark Matter seethed angrily as he held his phone up to his ear. He was packing his suitcase for Greece when he got a call from David Blaine and he wasn't liking the results.

"I honestly don't know what happened," Blaine replied hastily on the phone, "I had them one minute but when I went to get them, they vanished."

"You idiot!" Dark Matter shouted, "I hired you to kill the Super Best Friends, not throw a reunion for them! Can't you get that straight!?"

Well, I thought that if they were all together, they would be getten rid of twice as quickly."

"Why the hell did you plan that?" Dark Matter asked softly, almost disturbingly, "You should know that if one of them is alone, they are fairly defeatable but when they're together, they are unstoppable. Did you know that or did you not learn from the last encounter you had with them?"

"Well all isn't fully lost," Said Blaine, "I got one of the Order of Religion members-"

"I don't care about them I just care about getting rid of the Super Best friends!"

"I understand. If you could just give me another chance-"

"No, forget it!" yelled Dark Matter, "I already hired someone else to get rid of them and I'm confident that he'll do a much better job at it then you did!"

With that he hung up on Blaine and typed a number for another call. The phone ringed in his ear until the person he was phoning got the call, "Hello?"

"Hello Brutos? This is Dark Matter. The summer solstice is coming in a day's time, the Super Best Friends are still alive and I'm on the verge of losing it."

"So the magician screwed up." Said Brutos. It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

"You have no idea." Dark Matter noticed that something was off about Brutos' voice, "You don't sound like yourself. Do you have a cold or something?"

"Someone opened a door on me and broke my nose," Brutos explained over the phone, "nothing serious. Anyway, I know where the Super Best Friends are. They're heading northwest, from New Mexico to Oregon."

"However they got back to the States, I don't know and somehow don't care. Can you get to them and kill them?"

"I'm a religious figure hunter," Said Brutos, "it's what I do. Just tell me which method I should use to kill them and I'll do it."

"I don't care how you kill them!" Dark Matter shouted, "Drown them, run them over, crack open their skulls for all I care! Got any chloroform? Use any method you want, I just want those holy beings to _stay_ dead!"

Brutos thought for a moment before coming up with an idea, "Ever heard of a conch shell?"

Dark Matter stood in stunned silence, "Have I heard…Yes! What kind of question is that?"

"In that case, I know just the thing that'll keep them from resurrecting."

"Alright fine!" Dark Matter yelled in exasperation, "You know what you're doing. You're the expert on this type of thing. Just call me when all or one of them is dead. Oh and Brutos…don't even think about repeating Blaine's mistake."

"Let me get this straight," Said Stan as he clutched the steering wheel, "I'm driving us all the way to Oregon because none of the Super Best Friends can drive?"

"Some of us never really had the time to get drivers licenses." Said Jesus.

"And what about you?" Stan asked Zoroaster who was sitting in the seat next to him, "How come you can't drive?"

"I've been in government lockdown for 64 years," Said Zoroaster, "when you've been locked away for that long; you miss out on some of the exciting things in life. Besides, what's the big deal? You're ten and you're doing a good job driving."

"That's not what I'm nervous about." Said Stan.

"If it's any consolation, we're going in the right direction," Said Jesus as he looked at a map, "according to this map, if you keep driving down this road, we should be able to get to Albany in Oregon by nightfall."

"And if not?" Asked Andrew.

"Then Zoroaster has screwed us over."

"Fuck you!" Yelled Zoroaster, "Also, you assholes still owe me that reason for why you didn't tell me earlier that you have powers!"

"We thought you knew." Buddha said simply.

Zoroaster glared at the Super Best Friends for a moment, "I'm not psychic, I couldn't tell if you guys had powers or not. Yes, I do know the elements, but that's all I'm good at."

"Elements?" Butters asked, "You mean fire isn't your main power?"

"Yes, I told you, I'm an elementalist, a sorcerer of nature. The archangels taught me them when I became a prophet, but that's a different story."

"Aren't sorcerers evil?" Asked Kyle.

"Not all of them," Said Zoroaster, "there were a lot of sorcerers in the village that I grew up in and there were a few who used their powers for good. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon was still standing back then."

"Wait," Said Kyle, "you're saying that the Hanging Gardens of Babylon actually existed?"

"Yes."

"God-dammit!"

"What's wrong with a fallen temple existing?" Smith asked, confused by Kyle's sudden outburst.

"Because if it exists, it means that Cartman's stupid theory about the Hanging Gardens of Babylon existing is true!"

"Cartman…isn't he the fat, racist, foul-mouthed, sociopathic boy that hangs around with you?" Asked Jesus.

"Yes! That Cartman!"

"If he's the one who was right about the Babylon temple existing, then he must be a smart kid." Zoroaster said thoughtfully.

"What would happen if he found out he was right?" Asked Jesus.

"He'd probably force me to suck his balls or something!" Exclaimed Kyle, "He wouldn't let me get away with it if he found out, not like last time!"

"…Is he gay for you?" Asked Krishna.

"To be honest, we don't know if Cartman even understands love." Said Charlie.

"Oh so _now_ you have a conversation with us." Said Zoroaster.

"Just because I can't bring myself to help you, doesn't mean I can't have conversations with people."

"You know Charlotte…" Jesus began.

"It's Charlie actually." Interrupted Charlie.

"…Like a nickname or…"

"No, it's my birth name. My mom named me that."

"That was a bitch move on her part." Zoroaster exclaimed.

"It was," Said Jesus, "look Charlie, we don't want to push our existence on you, but you can't change the fact that we're here, right in front of your eyes."

Dude, no matter what you say, I will never warm up to you guys!"

"That was a waste of words," Said Zoroaster to Jesus before turning to Charlie, "you know you're gonna have to put your faith in us sooner or later. You can't avoid us forever."

"Unless you fall asleep and wake up at the sound of your own screams." Said Butters.

Everyone stared at the puffball and thought about what he said, "Seriously, is there a history of child abuse in your family or something?" Asked Zoroaster.

"None of these don't make any sense…" Eisen muttered as he looked over the old journal, "why do you mention the Olympians in this…?"

"I'm telling ya, that coffee machine ain't negotiating," Rhinestone muttered to himself as he entered the tent, "Eisen, you've been in here all day. Did something in that journal catch your eye?"

"Kind of," Eisen replied, "I've been reading more of the journal, hoping to find out more about the invention gap…"

"Invention gap?"

"Yeah it's a theory I made up to describe the devise Einstein hid in his house. You know the devise that may be connected to the existence of religious figures?"

"…Makes sense." Said Rhinestone as he sat in the seat opposite of Eisen.

"Anyway, I've been reading more entries and some of them talk about Abraham knowing the Greek Olympians."

"Abraham…" Rhinestone said thoughtfully, "isn't he the patriarch of all those religions that came from Israel?"

"Christian, Jewish and Muslim mainly," Eisen said, "the journal also talks about Abraham having a daughter and a secret society called the Pura Fides."

"It's rare but not unheard of for famous people to have kids they don't talk about," Said Rhinestone, "and I'm flattered that the guy mentioned my old secret club."

"You were a member of this Pura Fides?" Asked Eisen.

"Once upon a time. Not many people know it exits and the people that do know it exists are mainly the members."

"Well, if you're a former member, then do you might know what this journal is talking about?" Eisen asked after thinking about what Rhinestone said.

"As much as I love to tell you everything I know about the Pura Fides I can't," Rhinestone answered, "I'm saving that for when the religious figures come. No doubt they're curious about their own second existence just as much as we theologists are, and they'll come looking for us for answers."

"Yeah, but shouldn't we be out there looking for them by now?" Asked Eisen.

That won't be necessary," Rhinestone replied with a smile, "I have a feeling that they'll come to us."

"So this is Albany," Said Butters as the group looked around the town, "ho boy, this place sure looks pretty at night."

"Can you stop talking for like, five minutes?" Asked Zoroaster, "I really need some quiet time right now."

"No time for that," Said Jesus, "We still need to find Rhinestone and figure out what's going on."

"We don't even know where he is in this state! For all we know, he could be in some other town!"

"Now's not the time for negativity," Jesus exclaimed, "all we have to do is explore the town a bit and question anyone who might know Rhinestone."

"As soon as this is all over, I'm gonna catch a flight that'll take me far away from this country as possible." Zoroaster muttered under his breath as he walked on ahead.

"Dude where did you put the keystone?" Kyle asked Stan as the Super Best Friends, Butters and Charlie followed Zoroaster.

"Don't worry about it." Said Stan, "Andrew's keeping an eye on it."

"You sure it's a good idea to leave him in charge of the keystone?" Asked Kyle, it wasn't that he didn't like Andrew; he just didn't see him as someone who can be trusted with guarding a relic.

"I'm sure he's capable of taking care of things," Stan assured his best friend as he held Karen's hand, "after all, he's better at listening to people then Butters."

Andrew exited the outhouse and walked back to the caravan, "It was just a quick pit stop," He murmured to himself, "the keystone will still be there I'm sure."

He stopped when he heard a creaking noise. Looking straight ahead, he saw a silhouette in the distance, behind the caravan.

"Hello?" He said quietly. He moved closer, trying to figure out who the stranger is, but before he can get a good look, the figure left the ground and flew off above Andrew into the night.

"Who was that?" Andrew said absently, unaware that in a bush behind him a baseball bat protruded from the bush above Andrew head, "Oh no, the keystone-!"

Before Andrew can act he got hit in the head with the baseball bat and he fell unconscious. Two hands then appeared and dragged Andrew into the bush.

"Why do you want to wait until tomorrow to do the search?" Jesus asked as the group walked back towards the caravan.

"Because I'm tired, the kids are tired and no one in this town isn't going to be interviewed at this time." Zoroaster exclaimed.

"He's got a point." Stan added.

"Uh Stan, where did you say Andrew is keeping an eye on the keystone?" Butters asked.

"Outside the caravan, beside the city hall. That's where we're supposed to meet him why?"

"I'll tell you why!" Kyle yelled in alarm as they approached the caravan, "Because he and the keystone are gone!"

"Great Scott, you're right!" Jesus exclaimed.

"But that's impossible," Said Charlie, "they were there when we left."

"Oh God no!" Zoroaster screamed as he ran into the caravan. A few minutes later he came out with his staff, "false alarm. My staff didn't get stolen."

"We have bigger problems then that!" Jesus exclaimed, "The keystone is gone and so is the boys' Greek friend."

"Oh hamburgers," Butters said quietly, "you don't think Andrew…"

"Don't jump to conclusions yet," Zoroaster said as he inspected a footprint beside a bush, "it wasn't him. He was standing right there when the keystone got stolen. The reason he isn't here was because he got knocked unconscious by someone and was dragged into this bush and taken someplace else, so whoever the thief was it was either the person who kidnapped Andrew or a completely different person."

"…You got all that just by looking at a footprint?" Smith asked incredulously.

"I wondered the same thing when he did that and it turned out to be all true," Said Jesus, "but even if the thief that kidnapped Andrew did steal the keystone, what would that person want with a Greek?"

"I think we should split up," Suggested Kyle, "it may increase our chances of finding Andrew and the keystone."

Jesus shook his head, "Splitting up never works. I think it would be best if we all-"

"Too late. Zoroaster already left looking for the keystone." Said Buddha.

"God-dammit!"

"I guess we should look for the keystone and Andrew together huh?" Asked Stan.

"Yeah, I think the best way to find Andrew is to sniff him out." Said Jesus.

"Dude, we don't have a dog."

"We don't need one." Said Jesus, "Krishna can you-?"

"I'm on it. Form of…a dog!" In a flash of light, a golden Labrador dog stood where Krishna was standing.

"Sweet dude." Said Kyle.

"That's the advantage of having a shapeshifter on the team," Jesus said to the kids before turning to the Labrador, "alright Krishna, let's go find the Greek, see if you can sniff him out." The Labrador sniffed the footprint before walking straight ahead, the Super Best Friends following.

"Dude, we are so gonna become Super Best Friends when we're older." Stan said to Kyle.

"You can say that again." Kyle added.

Kyle, Stan, Charlie and Karen followed the religious figures, unaware that Butters wondered off in the opposite direction, looking for Zoroaster. The puffball faltered a moment, looking back at the group before walking off again.

"Do you think the person who kidnapped Andrew went far?" Kyle asked Jesus.

"I don't think so my child. From my experiences from finding kidnappers, they always hide in places that are local or somewhere in the state they kidnapped someone." Jesus looked around, "Where's Butters?"

"I think he went off to find Zoroaster." Said Stan.

"Right," Said Jesus absently, "I don't know about you boys but I'm starting to get the feeling Zoroaster doesn't care about this mission."

"What makes you think that?" Karen asked as she held Kyle's hand.

Before Jesus could answer the Labrador began to bark at the entrance to the town hall.

"I think we found where Andrew is being held hostage." Charlie said as she walked beside Kyle.

"She's right," Smith replied, "there's people in there alright and not very many."

Jesus struggled to open the door without much success, "It's locked. Buddha, we're going to need your help over here"

The door was ripped from its hinges and the kids rushed into the building.

"You didn't have to tear the door apart!" Jesus exclaimed, "Couldn't you do it more gently."

"I don't know my own strength," Buddha replied, "but I'm getting better at it."

"Not better enough." Said Krishna as he changed back to his true form.

"Andrew are you in here?!" Yelled Stan as he looked around the interior of the building.

"I'm over here!" The kids turned to the front of the building to find Andrew tied up in a chair and beside him was an overweight child with brown hair in a skirt and sleeve less shirt that barely covered the child's body fat.

"Oh. My. God." Whispered Kyle.

"Stan, Kyle, you fucking assholes!" Eric Cartman screamed at his friends, "Do you have any idea of all the crap I went through just to find all you asswipes!?"

It didn't take long for Stan and Kyle to burst out laughing at the sight of Cartman in a skirt, while Charlie just remained in shocked silence.

"Cartman, what the hell are you wearing?" Stan asked between laughs.

"Yeah, you look like Madonna when she stated to sag!" Kyle exclaimed.

"I am gonna kick you both in the nuts when we get back." Muttered Cartman.

Just then the Super Best Friends arrived and stared with wide eyed shock at Cartman dressed in drag.

"That's something you don't see often…" Said Jesus.

"What the hell!? Did that stupid author bring these assholes into the story as well!?" Cartman asked when he saw the superhero group.

"Never mind them, think more about where you've been all this time." Said Charlie, "Also, is there a reason why you're dressed in…that?" She gestured towards Cartman's attire.

"And why weren't you with us when we escaped the U.A.M building?" Asked Stan.

"Oh that? I jumped out a window when we got to the second floor."

A long silence filled the hall, "You jumped out a window when we got to the second floor of the U.A.M building?" Stan repeated as a question.

"That's right." Cartman replied.

"Cartman, you are so God-damn stupid, it's almost ridiculous!" Cried Kyle, "Why the hell did you jump out a window instead of running outside, like the rest of us did?!"

"I thought we were gonna get out of that building, James Bond style," Cartman retorted, "I landed in a trash pile when I jumped out. I tried looking for you asswipes but you weren't around, so when I came to the conclusion that you were no longer in Denver I took a train and went from state to state, looking for the assholes that didn't wait up for me."

"Dude." Said Stan.

"How did you manage to find us in the end?" Asked Charlie.

"In order to get some money for train tickets I took a part time job as a prostitute."

"…Eric do you even know what a prostitute is and what they do?" Jesus asked slowly.

"Yes," Said Cartman, "they dress in fancy clothes for money."

"They do more than that fatass," Kyle replied, "and besides your ass would scare payers away, no one would give you money if your fat is showing."

"Fuck you Jew!"

"That still doesn't explain how you manage to find us." Said Charlie.

"When I was in a bar I saw the news on TV. It said that Butters' parents lost their son again and they got a call from the fag that he's somewhere in Oregon. Believing that you assholes would be in Oregon too, since we come across Butters a lot, I rode in the back of a van that contained cow dump, which took me to this town. When looking for you all, I found the Greek wondering around and an idea came to me on how to find you assholes. I hid behind a bush and, when he was near enough, I hit him in the head with a baseball bat and dragged him into the town hall, knowing you asswipes would probably go looking for him."

"So you only kidnapped me just to get your friends to come to you?" Asked Andrew.

"Shut up Greek!" Yelled Cartman, "That's right I kidnapped you to find my asshole friends. What I didn't count on was these," He pointed to the Super Best Friends, "religious assholes being with them."

"So does this mean you didn't steal the keystone?" Asked Stan.

"What the fuck is a keystone?!"

"We'll take that as a yes." Said Jesus.

"But if Cartman didn't take the keystone," Said Andrew, "who did?"

On the outskirts of Albany Zoroaster looked behind red oak trees, trying to find the keystone.

"Seriously, how hard is it to find a relic shaped like a cube?" Zoroaster asked himself as he peeped inside bushes, "I should've quit while I had the chance…"

"Don't get your hopes down, we'll find it." Said Butters as he approached the prophet.

"Did you follow me all the way here?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Yep, I thought you could use some help."

"You could start by not talking for a few minutes." Zoroaster muttered.

"Hey what happened to Iris?" Asked Butters, "Last time I saw her, she was in the caravan."

"Don't worry, I put her in a place where she can't be spotted by mortals," Said Zoroaster, "and also give me a few hours peace…"

Butters hummed to himself slightly when he saw something in the trees. A silhouette was watching them from afar. The sight of the figure made Butters nervous.

"Em, s-s-sir, Z-Zoroaster, don't you think we should call it a day and head back to the others?"

"Problem?" Zoroaster asked when he heard the fear in Butters' voice.

"I think-I think we're being watched." Zoroaster looked to where Butters was pointing and saw the silhouette in the tree.

"Hello?" Said Zoroaster, "Whoever you are, we mean no harm."

The figure leapt off the branch of the tree and landed lightly on the ground in the darkness, "Oh hamburgers, it's gone." Yelled Butters as Zoroaster snapped his fingers to allow the white flame to appear in his hand.

"I don't know what it was," Said Zoroaster as he looked around, "but there's definitely something out here."

"Not something, someone." Zoroaster turned to the sound of the female voice and almost dropped his staff at what he saw. Standing in front of him was a female angel, her graceful white wings protruding from her back. Her sleeveless white dress went down as far as her feet; it looked like it was made during the time of Ancient Greece. She wore a silver crown, with silver bird figures on top, a silver armband on her right arm, a silver bracelet on her left wrist and a silver necklace around her neck. Her long, reddish brown hair fell past her shoulders.

"Oh…my God." Zoroaster whispered, "I think I'm in love."

"I didn't know you believed in love at first sight." Said Butters as he joined the prophet.

"I don't, but I do believe I've found the religious figure of my dreams." Suddenly the angel pointed a sword which she held in her hand at the prophet.

"Your dreams I can put an end to unless you tell me what I want to know." The angel replied, her olive green eyes glaring at Zoroaster.

"Hey isn't that the keystone?" Butters asked as he pointed to the cube shape object that the angel held in her other hand.

"Holy crap you're right! It was you!" Zoroaster pointed at the angel, "You're the thief! And to think, I almost fell for you."

"The only thief I see is you." The angel retorted.

"Hey lady, I did not steal that keystone, me and the others were keeping it safe. _You_ were the one who stole it." Said Zoroaster.

"I didn't steal it. I simply took back what needed to be destroyed," The angel replied, "for the safety of my village, and I will keep you here unless you tell me why you had this keystone and more importantly, where the other keystones are."

"You could do that," Said Zoroaster as water surrounded the prophet. Butters stepped back slightly, "or you could just give me back the keystone so I won't drench you. I know angels don't like getting wet."

"Unless you're a Gnostic Angel." The angel answered.

"…Fuck it, I'm gonna drown you anyway." Before the angel could act, Zoroaster released a water torrent from his hands and struck the angel, the keystone flying out of her hand, allowing Zoroaster to catch it before it fell to the ground.

"Alright we got the keystone back," Said Zoroaster as he and Butters ran back to the others, "now let's get out of here before she comes to and tries to stab us."

"The others will never believe us." Said Butters.

"You know the word 'believe' is a strong word if you're a religious figure," Said Zoroaster, "it's very close to belief."

"Where the hell are you assholes going?" Cartman demanded as the group left the town hall.

"We're heading back to the caravan," Said Jesus, "hopefully, Butters and Zoroaster will be back there as well."

"Why can't we all just head back to Greece?" Cartman muttered, "I warned you Kyle, trusting strangers is a bad idea."

"Hey don't pin the blame on me!" Kyle shouted, "All of this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't trusted Dark Matter! This is mainly your fault fatass!"

"Fuck you Jew whose mom is a bitch!"

"Leave my mom out of this!"

"All right, I think we all heard enough of that," Jesus said sternly, "at this point, it no longer matters whose fault this is. The important thing right now is to stop Dark Matter."

"And find the keystone." Seaman reminded him.

"That's right Seamen." Said Buddha. The Super Best Friends burst out laughing at what Buddha said.

"It's Sea-man!"

"Who's that?" Andrew pointed to a red haired man with an eye patch in front of them.

"Finally," The man said, "I got you all right where I wanted."

"Um…"Jesus faltered, "who are you?"

"Name's Brutos, I was hired to kill the Super Best Friends."

"Join the club." Said Cartman.

"Eric!" Yelled Jesus.

"Well you guys can be douchebags."

"Enough talking," Said Brutos as he whipped out bazooka that had something attached to it, "time to do what I was hired to do."

"Is that-is that a conch shell attached to that thing?" Smith asked nervously as the group stepped back slightly.

"Dark Matter was very specific about this." Said Brutos.

"Dark Matter sent you?" Asked Stan.

"Yeah he wanted me to get rid of the religious figures after Blaine messed it up."

"Get rid of us?" Asked Jesus.

"Yeah, so you won't get in the way of his plans."

"Kewl, religious figure hunters kick ass." Said Cartman.

"Hey whose side on you on?!" Stan demanded.

"Don't even think about running," Said Brutos, "It'll hurt less if I do it in one go." Before Brutos can activate the bazooka, the caravan appeared, driving at high speed. It hit Brutos, sending him flying in the air and landing on his back. The caravan skidded to a halt and the doors swung open to reveal Zoroaster.

"Obviously, we're not safe in this town," He said, "I think it's best to go someplace else as fast as possible, now everyone get in the caravan."

"Your timing couldn't have been more perfect Zoroaster," Said Smith, "you just ran over and possibly killed a religious figure hunter hired by Dark Matter to get rid of us."

"Your welcome, now everyone get in the caravan!" Yelled Zoroaster.

"Dude, do you think he's actually dead?" Asked Kyle.

"Hard to say, but I sure didn't see the caravan coming. Did you Seamen?" Jesus and the rest of the Super Best Friends burst out laughing.

"It's Sea-"

"DAMMIT, WOULD YOU ALL JUST GET IN THE FUCKING CARAVAN!" Zoroaster screamed, finally losing patience. The group quickly entered the caravan where Butters was sitting in a seat.

"Eric, you're alive!" Butters said happily when he saw Cartman, "And you're a girl!"

"There's a story behind all this Butters," Said Cartman, "one that involves my asshole friends."

"Shut up fatass!" Yelled Kyle.

"Fuck you Jew!"

"Wait, who was driving the caravan?" Asked Stan.

"I was." Said Zoroaster as he sat in the driver's seat.

"I thought you couldn't drive." Said Charlie.

"I can't."

"Oh dear God." Smith muttered.

"Fasten your belts, this gonna be a bumpy ride." Zoroaster stepped on the accelerator and drove off towards the town exit, leaving Brutos lying in the pavement.

"Whose idea was this to go to Greece in order to find Gollum and the Super Best Friends?" Miss Anthrope half demanded as the Order of Religion waited in the airplane lobby for their flight.

"I thought it would help if we all chipped in to find them." Ollie said meekly.

"Ollie remind me to never listen to you again." Said Miss Anthrope.

"…It's my birthday today." Said Ollie.

"Fuck that." Said Miss Anthrope.

In a different part of the lobby Dark Matter was checking his to do list, "Let's see, obtain all four keystones…I have two in my suitcase, still need the other two. Get to Alethea before the summer solstice…already doing that. Bring the Tenebris under your control, that shouldn't be a problem, I know they'll do anything to get their temple back. Fire Blaine and put trust in Brutos, did that. The only thing that still needs to be completed is getting rid of the Super Best Friends, a task that Brutos will do."

"Passengers waiting for flight 17 to Alethea, Greece," The clerk said over an intercom, "we thank you for your patience, but the conditions in Alethea are still delaying our departure. Unfortunately, we've just been informed that Greece is about to get the boot up the ass, and we'll be delayed at least another hour."

The passengers exclaimed angrily at what the clerk said, "Aw c'mon!" Dark Matter yelled, "Some of us need to get to Greece! And I mean now!" The passengers stared at the villain, "Yes, yes, I'm a very important person who needs to get to Alethea because it's an emergency."

The caravan swerved on the road that was on a steep hill.

"You're supposed to stay on the road!" Jesus yelled as he clutched his seat.

"Go easy, this is my first time," Said Zoroaster, "you know I gotta admit, I thought this driving thing would be horrible but it's actually not so bad."

"It's all fun and games till someone gets hurt." Said Smith as Zoroaster drove the caravan past a pothole. During this Cartman noticed a sign that said "**KFC restaurant on top of hill**"

"Oh my God…" He whispered. He then rushed over and tried to take the steering wheel.

"What're you doing?!" Zoroaster asked as Cartman took hold of the wheel.

"Move over asshole, I'm taking over!" Yelled Cartman.

"Oh no you don't," Said Zoroaster, "this type of thing is for adults only…and Stan."

"You don't know how to drive!" Shouted Cartman.

"Neither can you!"

"I was born in a modern world, so I know cars better then you do!"

"I'm three-thousand years older then you! I knew Isaac, so that makes me the driver of this thing!"

"Well you suck at it!"

"Eyes on the road! EYES ON THE ROAD!" Jesus screamed. When Cartman and Zoroaster were fighting over the wheel they failed to notice that they were driving towards the edge of the hill.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Everyone screamed as the caravan fell off the edge and landed on its front. It rolled over at high speed, loosing chunks of its exterior in the process. It relaxed when it rolled in a forested area. It leaned slightly for a minute and then fell back in place.

"Holy crap…" Zoroaster whispered from inside the caravan, "Anyone else wet themselves?"

The bus came to a halt in the city of Florence. The night sky was filled with stars and the citizens there were still awake. Winnates exited off the bus along with the other travellers.

"Do you not have a car?" Asked one traveller as they exited the bus.

"I don't need one," Said Winnates, "and the environment is damaged enough as it is." With that comment, someone threw a newspaper at Winnates, "Ow!" She exclaimed when it hit her head.

"Go back to the 50s hippie!"

"Keep walking, you'll get over it faster." Winnates muttered to herself when she turned a corner. As she did so she discovered what looked like a crime scene.

"Move along, nothing to see here, nothing serious." A police man said, "Just some murder case that we've been trying to figure out for weeks…wait now that I think about it, that does sound serious."

"A murder?" Winnates repeated.

"Yeah, weeks ago some old man was shot to death here. We still haven't figured out who the murderer is, it's like the person erased all evidence. Strangely the victim had a letter in his pocket when we examined the body."

"A letter?" Winnates asked.

The officer took from his pocket a letter that looked as if it hadn't been opened yet, "You can have it if you want; it's a letter we don't take seriously in the police force."

Taking the letter, Winnates walked away from the crime scene. She stopped in her tracks to open the letter and almost gasped when she read it to herself.

"Oh my God," She whispered in horror when she read it, "this letter _is _something to be taken seriously! I have to warn the others!"

Just then a car pulled up beside Winnates. Driving the car was what looked like an infant Canadian with a tuff of black hair on his head.

"Need a lift?" He asked.

"Noooo!" Cried Cartman as he struggled to get up the hill, "My KFC! My beautiful KFC!"

"God, you're pathetic." Said Charlie as she looked at the now damaged caravan. It was as if a tornado struck the automobile. The exterior was completely destroyed and there were pieces of wood stuck on it.

"Dude I'd didn't think we'd survive." Said Kyle.

"Zoroaster," Jesus said softly, "remind yourself to never drive again."

"I can't help feeling this is my fault that we can no longer use the caravan." The prophet replied.

"Gee, you _think_!?" Smith asked.

"You and the fat kid almost got us all killed!" Krishna yelled.

"God-dammit, I'm not fat!" Screamed Cartman, who gave up on climbing the hill.

"You're half right Krishna," Said Zoroaster, "remember, some of us here can't stay dead, besides instead of berating me you should thank me, while we were still in Albany I found this." He pulled from his robes the yellow coloured keystone.

"You found the keystone?" Jesus asked.

"Your welcome, and I didn't find it, the thing just got stolen."

"The keystone got stolen?" Asked Stan.

"That makes sense I guess," Said Jesus, "who took the keystone?"

Before Zoroaster could answer, something head butted him to the ground, causing the keystone to fall from his grip and into the hands of someone else.

"I did." A reddish-brown haired female angel said as she held the keystone.

"Oh hamburgers it's the keystone thief!" Butters yelled.

"Ha, that asshole got hit in the stomach by a winged bitch!" Exclaimed Cartman. The Super Best Friends stared in stunned silence at the angel.

"You took the keystone?" Jesus asked the angel.

"And for a good reason too." She replied.

"Oh my God," Andrew whispered when he saw the angel, "it's her! It's our Alethean hero!"

"You know her?" Stan asked.

"You guys know her too, I told you about Sophia the Alethean heroine who became a Gnostic Angel when she passed on. Only to find that she's standing right in front of us!

"Sophia," Jesus repeated, "is that your name?"

"I don't normally say it, but yes it is." The angel answered as she pointed her sword at the group.

"You don't have to do that." Said Jesus, "We just want to know something."

"I want to know something too." Sophia retorted,

"Which is…?"

"Why did you have this keystone and where are the other keystones?"

"We honestly know very little about the keystones." Said Jesus, "And we only have that keystone. What about you? Why are you concerned about them?"

"The keystones represent a threat to my home and to this world, something I failed to realise in my first life." Said Sophia, "I need to find them for the safety of both. Why do you care?"

"We're trying to find a theologist named Rhinestone," Jesus explained, "We believe that he might know about the keystones. You can come with us if you want, we can help find out about the keystones together.

"Uh Jesus, what're you doing?" Asked Butters nervously, he didn't like the idea of the person that stole the keystone to be around them.

"He's trying to convince the angel that we're not evil." Kyle explained.

Sophia lowered her sword slightly, "How do I know I can trust you all?"

"We're Super Best Friends." Said Buddha.

"That's right," Smith added, "we care about protecting this world as much as you do."

At that moment, Zoroaster got up from the ground and angrily walked away from the group, "All right that's it! I've had it! I'm no longer gonna be a part of this!"

"Zoroaster, where're you going?" Asked Jesus.

"This is where I part ways with you guys," Said Zoroaster as he turned around, "I am not continuing this task anymore!"

"You mean you're leaving?" Asked Butters.

"What was your first clue?"

"But you can't leave now," Said Jesus, "we promised Zeus-"

"There's no 'we' all right, you guys were the ones who agreed to do all this, hell, I didn't even wanted to do this!" Yelled Zoroaster, "The only reason I ended up where I am now was because I wanted to find Albert Einstein, only to learn that he's kicked the bucket!"

"So what does that mean?" Asked Jesus, "That the millions of lives that we may have to save mean nothing to you?"

"I never said that. I'm just saying that I have my own mission that conflicts with what you guys want to do."

"Dude, how can you turn your back on this? Asked Stan.

"Yeah, the Olympians helped us and you when we were in trouble." Said Kyle, "We can't let them down now."

"I. Don't. Care! All I know is that I don't want to be a part of this anymore! It's been nothing but a living hell!" A long silence filled the forest, the only exception was the sound of Zoroaster's heavy breathing, "I'm sorry but…the whole Pentagon may be out looking for me and I'll only slow you guys down and well…look, I'm sorry but I can't be a part of this anymore…"

With that, Zoroaster turned and walked into a part of the forest. The group watched until he was no longer in sight before going their own way into the forest, only Sophia stood there, looking at the path which Zoroaster took. She then looked at the path the group took and opening her wings, she flew above the path to catch up with them.

Eisen looked through a bush, trying to find his magnifying glass.

"Where did it go?"He muttered to himself, "I could've sworn I dropped it here when I found the journal."

In the same part of the forest.

"This is fucking bullcrap!" Shouted Cartman as the group walked through the woods, "I wanna get back in the caravan."

"Eric we told you, it's damaged beyond repair." Said Jesus.

"Are you fucking kidding me!?"

"You know this walk through this forest is good for you," Said Kyle, "you could do with the exercise fatass."

"Fuck you Jew!" Yelled Cartman, "This is still bullcrap! I'm hungry and I'm cold!"

"That's because you're still in a skirt." Said Stan, trying to hold back a laugh.

"I'm seriously, if we don't find civilisation soon, I'm gonna kick someone in the balls."

"I can honestly say that you sound like my uncle." Said Krishna as he held a sleeping Karen in his arms. Sophia landed lightly on the ground after gliding from tee to tree.

"You don't have to use trees to move all the time," Said Jesus, "you can just walk with us."

"Would that not make it more difficult for us?"

"I don't think so."

"Wait can't you guys fly?" Asked Stan.

"Yeah, but I think this forest is too thick for us to fly around in." Said Jesus. Sophia tilted her head slightly at Charlie who was walking behind the group with her eyes looking at the ground.

"What's wrong with that young girl?" She asked.

"Who, Charlie? I think she's still pissed that she was wrong about religious figures not existing." Said Stan.

"Gender confused and stupid," Said Cartman, "you really found the girl of your dreams Kyle."

"Shut up fatass!" Kyle yelled as he punched Cartman a few times in the face. Cartman screamed and covered his face from the hits.

"All right, break it up!" Said Jesus as he tried to separate the two boys. Ignoring the commotion, Sophia approached Charlie. The young girl looked up when she saw the angel.

"Hey…" She whispered.

"Charlie…"Sophia faltered, "I have a feeling that you don't know whose side to be on."

"That's not true,"" Said Charlie, "I'm with my friends, I'm with the good guys, I just…don't know what to believe anymore."

"They say that you don't believe in us."

"I didn't, I mean I don't but…" Charlie sighed, "Like I said I honestly don't know what to believe anymore."

Sophia looked at the night sky before looking back at Charlie, "You're helping your friends in this, yet you can't bring yourself to trust us, because you don't believe in us."

Charlie shook her head, "It wasn't always like that, and besides it wasn't that I didn't believe in religious figure, I just didn't think that they believed in us."

"Interesting," Sophia replied, "explain."

"Well when I was younger I constantly prayed for a guardian angel. This was after the man who I thought was my dad left us and my mom started…hurting me. Every night, I laid in my bed and made a heartfelt payer for someone to send me a guardian angel, someone who could let me know that everything will be alright. When my prayers weren't answered, I went into a phase where I cried myself to sleep. I stopped asking for a guardian angel when I turned eight, I wasn't able to believe in the existence in holy beings after that, not entirely."

"I see," Sophia said gently, "I'm sorry about all the hardships you've been through…"

"Don't worry about it, besides that was a long time ago. I now have a new family and some good friends…and Kyle," Charlie paused for a moment, "you know before all this, I always thought religious figures only came from books."

"You can't believe everything you have heard and read," Explained Sophia, "sometimes in life, you need to open your eyes to what is right in front of you, and when the time comes, you must do whatever your heart tells you."

"You believe that I can trust you guys?"

"My patron Goddess is Athena, wisdom is never wrong."

"Kyle I'm seriously, get away!" Cartman shrieked as Kyle chased him around, "You're gonna make me fart!" Before anyone could act, Cartman let out a loud fart. As he farted flames began to erupt from his behind and burnt down the nearest tree.

Eisen yelped as the tree caught on fire. It burned away to reveal several religious figures and kids, all of whom were staring at the burnt stump in shocked silence.

"Aw kick-ass!" Said Cartman, "I didn't know I could do that!"

"Dude that was fucked up." Said Stan.

"Oh God, that smell is horrible." The sound of Eisen's voice caught the group's attention and they looked at the theologist covering his nose, "Did somebody let off wind?"

"They did much more then that…" Muttered Jesus.

"Hey, maybe you can help us," Said Butters, "we're looking for someone called Rhinestone. Do you know him?"

"Yeah, he's the theologist back at the campsite." Said Eisen.

"Wait, you know Rhinestone?" Jesus asked.

"Yes, he's at the campsite."

"Can you take us to Rhinestone?" Asked Jesus, "It's kind of an emergency and we really need to meet him."

"I'll take you all to the campsite then if it's an emergency," Eisen looked at Cartman, "that look on you is temporary right?"

"Fuck you!"

"Stupid nature." Zoroaster muttered as he struggled through bushes, "There are times like this when liberals really need a reality check."

He then spotted an exit out of the forest and rushed out of the forest. Coming out of the forest he found a straight road in the middle of the wooded area, a highway. Zoroaster looked over his shoulder at the forest he came out of. He can't help but wonder how the others were doing. Did they get out of the forest themselves? Did they find Rhinestone?

"Why am I worrying about them all of a sudden?" Zoroaster asked himself, "What they're doing is none of my concern." He shook his head as he walked across the highway, "All right, all I need to do now is find a air port and I'll be out of this country, away from the government."

He turned around just in time to see a car driving straight towards him. The car screeched to a halt when the passengers saw the prophet and one of them and Zoroaster screamed when they saw each other.

"AAH!"

"Oh God!"

"AAHH!"

"Holy crap!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"Okay, I think we should stop now," Said Zoroaster as he calmed down, "seriously, I already used up my spare robes."

"Okay, now I really shat myself." Ike said from the driver's seat

"Hey lady," Zoroaster addressed a black haired woman in the passenger's seat, "you do realise that there's an infant Canadian driving this car right?"

"Don't worry, he's a genius." The woman faltered slightly when she saw the prophet, "I recognise you, you're Zoroaster, the prophet of Ancient Iran."

"Somebody still gives a crap about me."

"Yeah, hey maybe you could help."

"Help with what?"

"I just discovered the most disturbing bit of information ever to be read," The woman explained as she showed him a letter, "and if we don't do something about it before the summer solstice, then we could all be in danger. I'm heading towards a theologist campsite to show some colleges of mine this letter and I'd appreciate it if you came with us."

"Did you say theologist campsite?" Zoroaster asked.

"Yes, I'm Professor Winnates, a theologist."

"…I'm listening." Said Zoroaster as he climbed into the car.

"Why won't you work for me?" Rhinestone asked himself as he examined the coffee machine, "I'm starting to think this thing hates me."

"Rhinestone!" Eisen ran towards the theologist, "I think I found the religious figures."

"You either think or you did." Said Kyle as he and the others caught up with Eisen.

"About fucking time," Muttered Cartman, "I thought we'd never get out of that butthole forest."

"And I saw guys dressed in drag but never a boy dressed in drag." Said Rhinestone as he observed Cartman's attire.

"Screw you blacky!" Cartman then received a small kick in by Jesus, "Ow, what the fuck?!"

"Ignore what he said." Jesus said hastily, "Anyway, we came here because we think you can help us with what's going on."

"So you met them," Said Rhinestone as he sat down in a chair. He put his hands on the table, "I always knew this day would come, when the secrets of the Pura Fides must be revealed, though I was hoping it wouldn't be until the night before the summer solstice."

"Some of the kids actually met the Pura Fides," Said Jesus, "the rest of us were trying to find to find a way out of the temple."

"I don't blame you, finding a way out of that temple is like trying to fix a PS3."

"Tell us," Said Sophia, "what do you know?"

"Do you want to know about your existence first 'cause I know about that as well."

"...You know about our existence?" Jesus asked incredulously.

"I also know how it all began," Explained Rhinestone, "You see, the Pura Fides has been around for millennia, since the religious patriarch Abraham passed away. One of its most famous members was a brilliant scientist named Albert Einstein.

"Wait a minute." Said Kyle, "What does Einstein have to do with the existence of religious figures."

"The year was 1948;" Rhinestone began, "that was 64 years ago. During that year Einstein created a devise, which was a toaster with a lamp attached to it. He created that devise to prove that we humans weren't alone; that there was more to the universe then meets the eye, what Einstein didn't count on was that the devise did much more than that. When he activated the devise, it broke the laws of nature and did the impossible…"

"It brought a religious figure back from the dead," Butters finished, "and Zoroaster was that religious figure."

"Wow, Einstein must have been a real fag to do something like that." Said Cartman.

"But then, why did the government sent Zoroaster in lockdown?" Asked Jesus.

"The roots of atheism were growing back then," Rhinestone explained, "more and more people were becoming sceptical about the existence of religious figures and the government believed that seeing an actual holy being will cause a national controversy, so they did what they had to do and locked the religious figure away from public eyes. After that, the Order of Religion was set up by Einstein to ensure that no other religious figure will go through the same fate as Zoroaster did. That proved to be sheer dumb necessary because in the next 44

Years, the devise was used again and again, by either Einstein's relatives or some random person, to bring religious figures back onto this planet.

"Including us." Said Smith.

"Including you lot." Agreed Rhinestone.

"Whoa dude who would've thought that it was science that brought holy beings back to life." Said Stan.

"What about you?" Butters asked Seaman, "Did the same thing happen to you?"

"I was born in Imaginationland," Seaman explained, "so no, the same thing didn't happen to me."

"That's right Se-"Jesus began.

"Don't say it!"

"It's good to know that religious figures have a sense of humour," Rhinestone chuckled, "like us humans."

"Can you please tell us about the keystones now?" Kyle asked desperately.

"You're eager to know about them are you?" Asked Rhinestone, "In order to understand the history of the keystones we need to know the back story, starting with the death of Abraham."

"Why do I get the feeling that a flashback is gonna be involved?" Charlie asked herself.

"Too late, it's starting." Said Stan.

_A little girl with light brown hair and in green robes entered her father's bedroom. She looked at the old man in his bed, although he was physically in his late forties he looked as if to have aged much older over night, his long white beard hung from his bed. He opened his eyes to look at his daughter._

"_Alethea…" He whispered, "My daughter…"_

"_You wanted to see me father?" The girl named Alethea asked._

"_Yes, close the veils and come closer to me." When the veils were closed and Alethea stepped forward, the man looked at her with weary eyes, "I have lived on this planet for 175 years, and I would have lived five more years had God not take my life sooner than scheduled."_

"_Do you really have to leave so soon father?" Alethea asked shakily, "Surely God can be reasoned with."_

"_I'm afraid it's too late for that now," He said, "we all must leave this planet eventually, but let's not think of it as the end of the story, think of it as a new beginning, the next chapter in our existence. It is in death that we can find the true answers in life. Do you understand Alethea?"_

"_I'll try father." She whispered._

"_Don't try Alethea, do, and now on to the main reason why I summoned you here. I received a vision by a bunch of holy fellas who call themselves the Olympians, whoever the hell they are. They told me that the descendants of my followers would one day fall into war with our neighbours, the Babylonians."_

"_We have been in peace with that empire for years," Said Alethea, "why would they attack us?"_

"_I think it's because they're still pissed that the Greeks buried their temple, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon somewhere in their homeland, and the Babylonians are taking their frustrations out on random nations," The old man explained, "like when God punished the Egyptians for not releasing the Jews."_

"…_That makes sense."_

"_Though it is still early, I still fear for our people's safety…and yours Alethea. Of all my children you are the most precious and most pure-hearted, which is why I fear for your safety. Now here's what I want you to do…"_

_Alethea and several of her father's people journeyed on a boat through the seas to Greece. The little girl looked at the horizon ahead._

"_Oh man this is so cool," One follower exclaimed, "I'm actually in the boat that Noah used to escape the flood with all those animals."_

"_It's called an ark you dumbass!" Another follower yelled._

_Alethea ignored the commotion and focused on looking at the horizon. Her father Abraham wanted her and several followers to go to Greece in order to start a new life for his daughter, but even if that were true, where would they settle in Greece and if they can prevent her father's vision from coming true._

"_Alethea…" A male voice echoed in her head. Alethea looked around for the source of the voice but couldn't find it._

"_Who said that?" She wondered aloud._

"_I did," The voice in her head said again, "I'm speaking to you telepathically."_

"_Who are you?" Alethea asked._

"_That's not important," the voice replied, "I have been given orders to help you. I will give you further instructions when you arrive in Greece, until then try not to worry too much. Everything will fall into place eventually…"_

_Alethea led the followers to a village that looked as if it hadn't been used at all. The voice told Alethea to lead the followers to this very place, the one that was near a large hill that was covered in clouds._

"_This place is beautiful, just beautiful." One follower exclaimed when they explored the place._

"_You can say that again."_

"_This is definitely the place to start a new life."_

_The followers all agreed to these statements and immediately started choosing houses._

"_But wait," A follower realised something, "this village didn't came with a name."_

"_Oh yeah."_

"_Now that you realised it…"_

"_Hey I have an idea," Another exclaimed, "why don't we name it after the little girl who led us here?"_

"_Hey good idea!"_

"_I don't think that's necessary." Said Alethea._

"_Don't be ridiculous, how else are our future descendants going to remember the origins of this place."_

"_So it's settled," The first follower declared, "we shall name this village Alethea, after the daughter of Abraham…"_

"_Why are you here?" Alethea asked a group of people in divine Greek clothing. It had been a few years since the followers discovered and settled the village and Alethea found herself in the presence of the Olympians, the ones who gave her late father her vision._

"_You have been chosen Alethea," Athena explained, "chosen to protect four ancient relics that could threaten this world."_

"_What are they?" Alethea asked._

"_The Keystones of Babylon." Hermes replied as he showed her four cube shape objects, with ancient writing engraved in them. They were each in a different colour; red, blue, yellow and green._

"_All four have the power to bring the Hanging Gardens of Babylon back from the earth," Apollo explained, "only a mortal of pure intentions can't keep their powers at bay."_

"_Which is why Zeus wants you Alethea, daughter of Abraham to be Keeper of the Keystones." Said Artemis as Hermes handed Alethea the keystones._

"_What if I'm not responsible enough to take care of them?" Alethea asked as she held the keystones._

"_You have a pure heart," Explained Hermes, "only you and your descendants can control the power of the keystones. That, and don't bring them near the Babylonians or the village temple during the summer solstice…"_

_100 years later…_

_The battle between the Tenebris and the Aletheans raged from the fields._

"_Don't give up yet!" A woman with reddish brown hair yelled to her army, "We can get through this! The Tenebris are brutish but we have strategy on our side!"_

"_We're giving it the best we can!" An Alethean replied. _

_Inside the village, a few of the Olympians ran from the Tenebris general, with the keystones in their hands._

"_The summer solstice is today," Hermes exclaimed, "we can't let these keystones anywhere near the temple. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon is directly beneath it!"_

"_Of all the solstices in this century, it had to be this one." Athena said through gritted teeth._

"_Get back here!" The Tenebris general was hot on their trail, "Give me those keystones!"_

"_Fat chance!" Hermes exclaimed, "We know what you're planning to do with the keystones and we're gonna make sure it won't happen!"_

_The Olympians raced out of the village and towards a harbour where a group of men from the village were on a boat, waiting for them. When the Olympians arrived they gave the keystones to the men._

"_When you reach the New World," Athena instructed, "you must separate the keystones, so they won't ever be used for evil."_

"_You're not coming with us?" One of the men asked._

"_This is our home, grandson of Alethea," Apollo explained, "our duty lies here. We chose your grandmother's family to protect your keystones for a reason, like how you all formed the Pura Fides for the sole purpose of keeping the keystones and their keeper a secret."_

"_He's coming!" Artemis warned them._

"_Poseidon, now would be a good time!" Hermes yelled to the ocean. Suddenly the boat was carried by a giant wave and swept away from the harbour towards the horizon. The general arrived just in time to find the boat sailing away._

"_No!" He screamed, "The keystones! They're gone forever…!"_

_Sophia approached the cell of the general and glared at him._

"_The Tenebris are dead, the descendant of Alethea is on his way to the New World and we Aletheans still stands," She told him, "your pride has led you to your downfall, and you will be executed for your crimes against humanity."_

_The general then let out a high pitched laugh that was almost unsettling, "You're a fool Sophia!" He exclaimed, "You may have won the battle, but the war isn't over. If a relative of Alethea ever dies at the hands of one of their own kind, the Tenebris will rise from their graves and take over your village, and the keystones will be reunited in the summer solstice! The Hanging Gardens of Babylon will return! You'll see!" His laughs echoed throughout the dungeons…_

Kyle and Stan stared at the ancient painting of the brown haired girl in green robes that Rhinestone showed the group.

"Dude she looks just like Karen." Kyle said in amazement.

"Wow, I'm actually looking at a painting of the founder of Alethea." Andrew said in awe.

"If young Karen is the splitting image of Alethea, then it's possible that she's a direct descendant of Alethea herself." Said Rhinestone, "making her the next Keeper of the Keystones."

"She's only seven; Karen won't understand what's going on." Charlie reminded him.

"Then one of her siblings can be the keeper."

"You know that makes her family part religious figure," Said Jesus, "because Alethea was the daughter of Abraham."

Kyle began to mull over something in his, and then a thought hit him and it wasn't good, "Didn't you say that the Hanging Gardens of Babylon was buried directly beneath Alethea?" He asked Rhinestone quietly.

"That's right," Said Rhinestone, "they say that the power of the keystones are at their strongest during the European summer solstice."

"Oh my God. Oh my God!" Kyle cried, "That's his plan!"

Charlie grabbed Kyle's arm, "Kyle calm down, who are you talking about?"

"Dark Matter! He's planning to uproot the Hanging Gardens of Babylon!"

"Ha! I told you it was real asshole, even you admit it!" Cartman exclaimed but Kyle ignored him.

"That's why he was looking for the keystones!" Yelled Kyle, "He's gonna do what the Tenebris tried to accomplish!"

"And he's gonna try and do it during the summer solstice!" Jesus concluded, already thinking the same thing.

"Oh God," Muttered Eisen, "there's no telling what havoc he'll wreck if that happens."

"It was believed that the world will end in 2012," Rhinestone said gravely, "and that belief may become a reality if we don't do something about it."

"We have to get back to Alethea!" Sophia said urgently, "It's the only way we can stop Dark Matter!"

"That's far enough." Everyone turned to find a limping but very much alive Brutos cocking the bazooka at them.

"Oh hamburgers, it's Brutos!" Butters yelled in fright.

"Did you miss me?" He asked sarcastically.

"Sweet, he's still alive!" Cartman said gleefully, "Religious figure hunters kick-ass."

Brutos activated the bazooka, "Now where were we?"

"If you work for Dark Matter then we must be enemies." Sophia exclaimed, glaring at the hunter.

"Sophia don't do anything," Jesus warned, "There's a conch shell attached to that thing. If he uses it on one of us then we'll have to kiss our spirits goodbye."

"And you'll be making my job a lot easier if you all don't do anything at all." Brutos remarked.

"W-wait, Mister Brutos, sir," Butters approached the hunter with paper money in his hands, "I don't know how much Dark Matter is paying you but if you don't kill the Super Best Friends, I can make it worth your while."

"Nice try kid, but it's gonna take a lot more than five…" He took a closer look at the money Butters held in his hands, "that's not cash, what the hell is that?"

"This is money from my cashier play set," Butters explained, "I'm not allowed to use real money without my parents' permission. You can still play cashier with it-"Sophia suddenly kicked the bazooka from Brutos' grip.

"Both of you move!" Krishna warned as electricity shot from his hand.

"Oh hamburgers." Cried Butters as he and Sophia moved out of the way for Brutos to get electrocuted. The hunter fell to the ground in a paralyzed state.

"Okay, what part of not doing anything did you understand?" Asked Jesus.

"Don't get your halo in a twist," Sophia retorted, "besides, the puffball was distracting him, I had to do something to subdue the guy."

"I think we should think less about distractions and think more about getting out of here before the guy comes to." Said Rhinestone.

While they were talking Brutos quickly recovered and grabbed his bazooka.

"I think taking a plane to Greece is a bad idea," Said Eisen, "most of the flights will be delayed."

"And we can't carry all of you if we fly there." Smith remarked.

Brutos activated his bazooka again and cocked it.

"Uh f-fellas," Butter stammered as he watched Brutos recovering, "d-don't you think w-we should talk about th-this somewhere else." It wasn't a question, it was a warning.

"Butters no one gives a crap about what you say." Cartman said plainly.

"I'm serious Eric," Butters said in alarm when he saw Brutos get up and aim his bazooka at Sophia, "I r-really think w-we should go n-now-!"

Jesus turned around just in time to find Brutos pulling the trigger on the bazooka. White streams of light emerged from the bazooka, heading straight towards Sophia, "Oh my God-! Sophia look out!"

Before Sophia could act Jesus pushed her out of the way, allowing the streams of light to hit his chest. Everyone yelled in horror as Jesus became surrounded in the white light.

"Jesus!" Stan screamed in horror, "What's happening?!"

"He's getting his spirit sucked out!" Krishna said in alarm.

"Ah jeez, I can't watch!" Butters yelled as he looked away.

"Dude this is awesome," Said Cartman who was the only one undeterred by this ordeal, "religious figure hunters are way kewler than Hitler."

Something round and glowing began to get pulled out of Jesus' body by the streams of light and into the conch shell. Jesus fell to the ground after that, his halo falling off in the process.

"Oh my God…" Kyle whispered in horror.

"That's one holy being down." Said Brutos as he pulled the now glowing conch out of the bazooka. Sophia then lashed out at the bazooka.

"You beast!" She snarled as she pointed her sword at the hunter.

"Looks like it's time to flee for now." Brutos took something round out of his pocket and threw it to the ground. Thick smoke began to erupt from it.

"Stop him! He's getting away!"

"After him!"

"Where is he!?"

When the smoke cleared, neither Brutos nor the conch shell were here.

"He's gone," Rhinestone said grimly, "he got away."

"He got away with much more than just his life," Buddha said quietly as he looked at Jesus' dead figure on the ground, "he got away with our Super Best Friend."

"Oh Kyle…" Charlie croaked as she cried on his shoulder. Kyle just looked at the dead body, still shock over what happened. He knew religious figures were not invulnerable but he didn't think they could be killed.

The grieving silence was broken when Cartman burst out laughing, "Hahahaahaha, what an asswipe!"

"So Einstein brought us religious figures back to life using some kind of toaster and the Order of Religion was set up to protect holy beings from the government. I was locked away because atheism was growing back in '48. Also the guy who wrote this letter; Erastus, says that he's a descendant of Alethea, the founder of the village in Greece, who is also the daughter of Abraham. The Olympians chose her to be Keeper of the Keystones but her grandson, along with the original members of the Pura Fides, journeyed to the New World with the four keystones and separated them to prevent the Tenebris from uprooting the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, which is buried directly beneath Alethea," Zoroaster lamented as Winnates drove the car to their destination. Ike was sitting in the back.

"And Dark Matter is going to uproot the temple during the summer solstice, using the four keystones." Said Winnates.

"Wow," Zoroaster exclaimed, "who would've thought that science would bring religious figures back to life? And Dark Matter, I heard he was crazy, but I didn't think he was this nuts."

"That's why we have to get to the campsite before it's too late!" Winnates explained, "The other religious figures would've arrived there by now."

Zoroaster shifted in his seat uncomfortably, "I can honestly say that they don't want me to help them."

"What makes you think that?"

Zoroaster sighed, "Well I…sort of walked out on them."

"You walked out on them?" Winnates asked incredulously, "Why did you do that?"

"The mission was becoming a living hell, I had to get out of there while I had the chance and besides, they're the heroes, not me. They didn't get locked away by the government or remained hidden from the public. They're the more popular holy beings, everyone treats them with respect. My religion is on the verge of extinction and no one ever gives me a chance to show them my talents," He sighed, "I'm an outcast. A religious figure who is constantly kept in the dark."

There was silence in the car as Winnates took in what the prophet said, "Oh my God," She said, "of course!"

"What?"

"You're not really fed up with the task to find Rhinestone, you're just under the belief that you lack a purpose in life and that's making you feel left out. You took that belief out on the others by leaving them."

"Lacking a purpose?" Zoroaster repeated, "Left out? Was that it?"

"You don't realise it Zoroaster but you do have a purpose," Winnates exclaimed, "you came in contact with Greek Gods and journeyed all the way to Oregon just to find a theologist, but most importantly, you're a religious figure; you lead people in the right direction and show them that good always triumphs over evil."

"I even explored some fake temple just to find some of Jesus' comrades," Zoroaster said as he realised what Winnates, "hey you're right, I do have a purpose. A valid purpose!" He smiled, "And meeting the Super Best Friends and coming with them on this journey is the proof!"

"So now you know, are you still reluctant to meet up with the others?" Winnates asked.

"Hell no! I'm going with you to the campsite and I'm gonna help the holy heroes stop Dark Matter, whether they want me to or not, for I am Zoroaster; Prophet of Ancient Iran!"

"Let's go kick some ass!" Ike yelled from the back. Suddenly Zoroaster clutched his head in pain.

"Zoroaster, what's wrong?" Winnates asked in alarm.

"Oh God…" Zoroaster said shakily when the pain in his head vanished, "we really do need to get to the campsite."

"What happened?"

"I'm not sure," He replied, "all I know is that something happened to one of the religious figures and it wasn't good."

"I don't see why you assholes are making a big deal of this," Cartman exclaimed to his friends, "you saw Jesus die loads of times."

"Not like this fatass," Said Stan, "not like this."

"This is my fault," Sophia whispered, although she kept her voice steady, tears continued to stream from her eyes, "if I had listened to him, he would still be alive."

"This isn't your fault Sophia," Smith said calmly, "even if you listened, it wouldn't have made a difference. It could've happened to any of us."

Rhinestone looked at the grieving group with sympathy, and then looked at Jesus, "It's not too late. He can still be saved."

Everyone stared at the theologist, "What're you talking about Rhinestone?" Asked Eisen.

"I've studied thousands of conch shells; small ones, big ones, pale ones, ones with patterns on them that I can never make out…"

"Can you get to the point?" Said Krishna.

"I learned that while conch shells are lethal to religious figures, they're also, very fragile." Said Rhinestone.

"I remember," Said Kyle, "Moses was once trapped in a conch shell and we had to break the shell to set him free."

"So what you're saying is if we break the shell…" Said Sophia.

"It'll release Jesus' spirit." Buddha finished.

"So there is hope!" Eisen exclaimed.

"But where is the conch shell?" Asked Butters.

"Brutos was hired by Dark Matter," Stan explained, "he's probably going to Alethea, where Dark Matter is also heading to."

"All right, here's the plan," Smith said to the other Super Best Friends, "We go to Alethea, rescue Jesus' spirit and defeat Dark Matter once and for all."

"And prevent the Hanging Gardens of Babylon from being uprooted." Said Sophia.

"We'll come with you," Stan said to the superhero group, "our parents are all in Alethea and as much as I know how stupid they are, mainly my dad, they need to be rescued."

"And Alethea is my birthplace." Said Andrew, "I need to get back."

"Are you serious?!" Cried Cartman, "I'm not risking my ass to save some Greek butthole village. I didn't sign up for this suicide mission!"

"You're helping the Super Best Friends whether you like it or not!" Stan yelled.

"Seriously, who the fuck gives a shit about these stupid assholes!?" Asked Cartman.

"Easy…" Said Buddha.

"I mean come _on_, they're not even main characters and you still want to help them?!"

"They may not have gotten a lot of appearances but they still saved our lives more than once, including yours!" Stan exclaimed as he poked Cartman in the chest, "So in a way, we owe it to them fatass!"

"Even if you all do plan to go to Alethea, how will you get there?" Eisen asked, "All the flights will get delayed and you can't fly the kids there."

"Iris!" Smith exclaimed.

"Gesundheit." Said Rhinestone.

"No, I mean the Rainbow Goddess. She can teleport us there."

"But none of us haven't seen her since we brought that caravan." Said Butters.

"It's okay, I'm right here!" Iris flew out of the woods and to the group, "Thank God, I thought I'd never find you all."

"Dude, where were you?" Stan asked as Smith allowed the Goddess to rest in his hand.

"That Iranian bastard locked me in a cookie jar!"

"Zoroaster," Krishna guessed, "why am I not surprised that he did that?"

"When I managed to get out of the jar, I found the caravan destroyed and you all gone," Iris explained, "I was flying all over the place trying to find you, and I eventually did. I'm surprised that Sophia is with you."

"I'm surprised that you didn't get eaten by owls." Said Seaman.

"Iris we need your help," Sophia told the Goddess, "we need to get to Alethea and we're hoping that you can teleport us there."

"We Greek Deities always knew this day would come," Said Iris as she took out a gold coloured orb, "when the Tenebris would try to uproot the Babylonian temple again. This orb will take you all directly to Alethea but it's a one-way trip."

"If it means saving this world," Said Sophia, "we're willing to take that risk."

"We wish you good luck in stopping Dark Matter." Said Rhinestone.

"You both aren't coming with us?" Asked Charlie.

"This is your fight," Said Eisen, "we've brought you all this far now you need to finish it without us."

"Wait," Kyle exclaimed before Iris could drop the orb, "Butters, I need you to stay here with Karen."

"I can't come with you guys?" Asked Butters.

"If Karen is the next keeper like Rhinestone said, then she'll just be in more danger there than she is here. Also, we can't leave her on her own with strangers, that's why you have to stay here."

"I understand what you mean," Said Butters as he and Karen joined the theologists, "let me know how you get on when you're done."

"Are you all ready now?" Asked Iris.

"Yes," Said Stan, "take us to back to Alethea.

Iris dropped the orb in front of the group and flew back slightly from the smoke and sparks to join the theologists. In a flash of light, they were gone.

"They're in Alethea now." Said Iris.

"What do we do now?" Asked Butters.

"The only thing we can do now is wait and pray that we're not too late." Rhinestone answered as he watched the sun rise through the trees.


	4. The Wrath of Dark Matter

Storm clouds hovered over the village of Alethea, giving it a gloomy appearance. In the village, knights in black armour were locking away the Aletheans in the long forgotten dungeons. Dark Matter observed the damage caused by the Tenebris invasion.

"I must admit, you knights did a far more successful job at taking over this village, not like last time." Said Dark Matter. One of the knights stood beside the villain, looking at the small pouch Dark Matter held in his hands.

"Don't worry I have the keystones right here," He held the pouch up for the knight to show, "two of them are here and once we have the remaining two, we can finally uproot the Hanging Gardens of Babylon."

The knight nodded slowly before walking away, "Hang on!" Dark Matter called out, getting the knight's attention, "If you see a bunch of holy beings running around here, throw them in the dungeons along with the villagers. If you see a bunch of kids that don't look to be from around here then bring them to the temple," He looked at the pouch gleefully, "I have a little surprise for them."

In the shadows of the village, a group of religious figures and kids were hiding behind destroyed houses, out of sight from the Tenebris. A female religious figure with reddish-brown hair and wings looked left and right before quickly gliding to the next destroyed house, the others following her.

"They did all this damage in one day?" The Mormon prophet Joseph Smith asked in amazement as he looked around.

"This is why the Tenebris are dangerous," The Gnostic Angel Sophia replied, "They'll stop at nothing to get what they want, even if it means half destroying my home."

"Dude do you see our parents anywhere?" Stan Marsh asked his best friend Kyle Bloflovski as they scanned the village.

"No I don't."

"They could be in the dungeons." Said Sophia.

"This village has a dungeon?" Charlie Pierzynski asked incredulously. She could hardly imagine a peaceful village like this to have a place to keep prisoners in.

"Yes, but it hasn't been used in a long time," Sophia answered, "not since the Tenebris invasion. Anyway, I think the important thing to do right now is get to the temple."

"Why there?" Andrew asked.

"It was the place where the Tenebris general tried to summon the Hanging Gardens of Babylon using the keystones. Had the Olympians not stepped in and took the keystones, Armageddon would've come again."

"That wasn't the first time that's happened?" Stan asked before realising that something was wrong with his other friend Eric Cartman. The fat kid clutched his stomach in pain as he groaned slightly.

"You're not gonna throw up now are you fatass?" Kyle asked. They really didn't have time for someone to be getting sick.

"It's not that," Mumbled Cartman, "it's my ass. I really need to get the wind out."

"Dude no!" Stan exclaimed, "If you fart now, you'll give us away!"

"Yeah well you all should've thought of that before dragging me into this crap."

"Can you not hold it in for a little bit longer-"Before Buddha can finish, flames erupted from Cartman's rear end as he farted and the house they were hiding behind immediately got caught on fire.

The nearby Tenebris knights turned to the sound of farting and saw a house surrounded by flames. It collapsed to the ground to reveal standing behind it a group religious figures and foreign looking children, all looking at the burnt house in stunned amazement.

"Thank God," Said Cartman, "I needed that."

"Oh shit." Said Krishna as the Tenebris advanced towards the group.

"Cartman you fucking idiot!" Yelled Kyle, "You just revealed our presence to these things!"

"Hey! It was either fart or spontaneous combustion Jew!"

"Now's not the time for arguing!" Sophia shouted as she whipped out her sword. The Tenebris glared daggers at the female religious figure. They remember her too well and were determined to not to let her win again.

"Aw shit they're coming!" Screamed Stan as the Tenebris ran forward.

"Too late to turn back!" Sophia turned to the Super Best Friends, "All of you get ready to fight!"

"Today's the summer solstice in Europe," Said Rhinestone as he watched the sun rise over the sky.

"Ah jeez," Moaned Butters, "does this mean we're too late in stopping Dark Matter?"

"Hard to say, we're not the ones in Greece."

"Hey!" Everyone turned to find Winnates, Ike and Zoroaster running out of the woods to the campsite.

"Winnates? What're you doing back here?" Eisen asked when the three approached the theologists.

"I need to tell you guys something…"

"You found out the world was in danger didn't you?" Rhinestone asked, already knowing in advance what Winnates was about to say.

"Zoroaster!" Butters yelled in delight when he saw the prophet, "You came back!"

"Yeah I'm back and finally know what I'm doing. Now tell me where the others are hiding so we can go to Greece and kick some ass."

"I'm afraid you arrived a few hours too late," Said Iris as she hovered in front of Zoroaster, "I already teleported them to Alethea."

"What the hell?!" Zoroaster exclaimed, "Why didn't they wait for me?!"

"You walked out on us remember?" Butters reminded him, "We didn't think you'd change your mind."

"They also left for a more personal reason." Rhinestone replied as he gestured towards something on a table. On closer inspection, Zoroaster realised that Jesus was on that table, completely unmoving.

"Oh my God-!" Zoroaster ran to the table to take a closer look at the body, "What happened? How did he get like this?"

"We were attacked by a religious figure hunter," Eisen explained, "he used some sort of bazooka to suck Jesus' spirit into a conch shell."

"A religious figures' death sentence," Muttered Zoroaster, "figures."

"Yes, and as much as I want to take you to Greece I already used up the orb on the others." Said Iris.

"And my staff isn't built for long distance teleportation. It only works if you're in the same country." Said Zoroaster, "If only we can get them to help us." And then an idea struck the prophet, "That's it!"

"What's it?" Asked Winnates as Zoroaster took out a jewel encrusted silver bell.

"Hermes told me to ring this bell if we ever want to return to Olympus," Zoroaster explained, "I think now is the best time to go back there."

"We're going back to Olympus?" Karen McCormick asked.

"Oh good!" Iris exclaimed happily, "I can finally return to my domain. I thought Hermes was being ignorant when he gave you that bell but now I see he was right in doing so."

"Yes he was." Zoroaster said plainly as he dragged Jesus off the table by the sash.

"Ah jeez, we're actually bringing that with us?" Butters asked uncomfortably.

"We need a strategist to do Dark Matter in and what better way to do it by bringing the body with us. Alright Butters, Karen, Iris huddle around me." Said Zoroaster. They huddled around the prophet.

"Wait for me!" Yelled Ike before Zoroaster can ring the bell.

"O-Kay, the creepy infant Canadian is coming too."

"Good luck!" Winnates called out, "And be careful!"

"I'll send you all letters on how it all went." Said Zoroaster as he rang the bell, which emitted a soothing melody. In a flash of light Ike, Butter, Karen, Iris and Zoroaster were gone.

The group found themselves in the Centre Temple when they arrived. Zoroaster turned to find the Olympians minus Hephaestus looking back at them, "You eh…you guys knew we were coming didn't you?"

"I foresaw it," Apollo explained, "and informed everyone else."

"It's good to see you're back…and with what's left of Jesus," Said Hermes as he stared at the body.

"And we see you have our agent with us." Zeus said.

"Your agent-"Zoroaster realised that Ike stepped away from the group and walked towards the Olympians.

"Hello Ike," Hestia replied to the Canadian, "do you have your reports on your home area?"

"Right here." Ike answered as he held out papers for the Olympians.

"…You have a four year old Canadian for an agent?" Zoroaster asked incredulously.

"Don't judge us." Artemis retorted.

"And besides, he's a genius," Athena added, "but that's not the reason why you're here."

"Yeah you're right," Zoroaster remembered in a flash why he came here, "the Super Best Friends have gone off to Alethea with Sophia and the kids to take on Dark Matter. They may stand a chance if we go and help them."

"We?" Asked Aphrodite.

"Yeah, you're gonna help with the butt whooping aren't you?"

"…We want to help you Zoroaster we really do," Hermes replied after a long pause, "the only problem is we can't."

"What the hell-why not?" Zoroaster demanded, "Aren't those your people down there?"

"We can't get involved in mortal affairs," Said Hestia, "not after the Deity Peace Treaty was signed."

"Seriously, _what _is this treaty who all keep talking about?" Zoroaster asked, "Aren't you all gonna tell us?"

"In a spinoff maybe, but not today." Said Apollo.

"And since when do you care about helping the others?" Artemis asked suspiciously, "Last I recalled you didn't care about doing the task you were supposed to do."

"People can change; now tell me what I'm supposed to do!" Zoroaster demanded, "I only use my elemental powers for self-defence and my only backup is these two kids and a dead religious figure who's starting to smell like decay."

"Don't worry," Said Hestia soothingly, "Hephaestus is nearly finishing it."

"Finishing what?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Speaking of Hephaestus, where is he?" Butters wondered aloud as he looked around the temple, trying to find a God with a paper bag over his head.

"Hermes, take them to Hephaestus' temple," Zeus said to the Messenger God, "it's almost time."

"Ah good. You're all right on time," Said Hephaestus as Hermes entered the temple with Butters, Karen and Zoroaster, "It's just about ready."

"What's ready?" Zoroaster asked, and Hephaestus answered his question when the blacksmith presented to him a hand sized blaster. It was pure white with the rim a golden colour. There were silver wings on the sides of the blaster.

"Is that a blaster?" Butters asked.

"More than a blaster, it's an Olympian blaster," Hephaestus said proudly as he handed the blaster to Zoroaster, "made from the whitest of clouds and hardened to create the shape you want it to be. Keep in mind that you'll only get one shot out of it so use it when the time is right."

"So how is it gonna help if I can only use it once?" Zoroaster half demanded.

"You can use it to destroy the Hanging Gardens of Babylon if Dark Matter succeeds in uprooting it." Hermes suggested, "Anyway, I think you should focus more on getting to the other religious figures for now."

"Good point. Iris," Zoroaster turned to the Rainbow Goddess as he grabbed Jesus by the sash, "take me and the kids to Alethea, no turning back style."

"As long as you don't touch anything." Iris retorted as she led them all to her temple.

"Thank God," Hephaestus sighed in relief, "that corpse was starting to stink up the place."

"Hello…" the General called out from the closet, "Can I come out now?"

"How do I know you won't go off and blow up some random place just to get rid of the religious figures?" Vosknocker asked as he listened in on the monitor.

"I've been in here all night!" The General exclaimed, "Isn't that punishable enough?"

"There are many different kinds of punishment," Said Vosknocker, "some of them are worse than others."

"…Okay how about this," The General replied, "If I promise not to launch any missiles on random places will you let me out?"

"Do you sincerely promise?" Asked Vosknocker.

"I do."

"Do you pinkie promise?"

"…Yes, I pinkie promise."

Five minutes later.

"While you were locked in the closet I managed to find the location of the religious figure," Vosknocker explained as he and the General sat around the table where the monitor was placed, "it appears that he is now somewhere in Greece."

"Are you sure?" The General asked but the monitor answered the question for him.

"_Alethea must be beyond those hills,"_ Zoroaster voice issued through the monitor, _"that's where the others must be, alright Butters, help me carry Jesus."_

"_You want me to carry a dead body?" _The childish voice asked with fright.

"_He's dead for now, but we just need to rescue his spirit and he'll be back to life, good as new, now help me carry him!"_

"Did he say Alethea earlier?" The General asked.

"Yes, it's a village in Greece," Vosknocker explained, "It's one of the oldest places in the world and the most traditional. The place is a colony for Gnostics, it's also very peaceful."

"Why would the religious figure go to a village like that?" The General wondered aloud, "What could possibly be so interesting about a place full of hippie fags."

Sophia slashed a nearby Tenebris knight with her sword. The knight fell to the ground in a heap, "We need to get to the temple!"

"There's too many of them!" Krishna replied as he electrocuted a nearby knight, "We'll never get there at this rate!"

"Doesn't anyone have a plan?!" Stan asked in panic.

"Usually Jesus is the one who comes up with a plan." Smith answered as he freezed a knight in place with his ice breath.

"Jesus is not with us!" Sophia retorted, "His exterior form is still in Oregon while his spirit is here somewhere!"

"Do you have to choose now to remind us?!" Kyle asked in exasperation as more knights surrounded the group, even the Super Best Friends found themselves overwhelmed by the number.

"I think we're in trouble." Buddha muttered.

"I told you this was a fucking suicide mission!" Cartman cried.

The Super Best Friends and Sophia were thrown into a cell in the dungeons while Andrew was sent in a cell with the villagers.

"You will never get away with this!" Sophia shouted defiantly, "The Gods will never allow this to happen!" One of the Tenebris knights angrily banged on the bars of their cell to silence her, receiving equal glares from the Super Best Friends. The knights then walked out of the dungeons, leaving the villagers and religious figures alone.

"This is something we did not plan out." Said Seaman as he sat on a creaking bed.

"What do we do now?" Andrew asked from his own cell, "How are we gonna escape?"

"…We don't know…" Smith said defeated, "we honestly don't know…"

"We need to get out of here!" Sophia exclaimed.

"And then what? Get captured again?" Krishna asked sarcastically, "There are hundreds of those things patrolling the place. At this point it's going to take a miracle to stop Dark Matter."

"Miracle or not, we still need to try!"

"Sophia he's right," Buddha said calmly, "even if I pry the bars open there's a strong chance the Tenebris will defeat and possibly even kill us."

"But my home…" Even as she said it, Sophia fell to her knees, her wings drooping and tears falling from her face. Smith also came to his knees and hugged the sobbing angel close, trying to comfort her as much as possible.

The Super Best Friends knew that the possibility of defeating their worst enemy so far and saving the world was hopeless now. Their leader was dead and in time they will join him. All was lost.

"…I wonder where the Tenebris are taking the others." Andrew wondered to himself.

"Hey asshole, don't carry me by the legs, it's exposing my balls." Yelled Cartman as the Tenebris knights carried the kids to the temple.

"Dude that's gross!" Cried Kyle, "Did you have to wear that skirt throughout all this?"

"It's your fault; you all didn't give me the chance to change into different clothes!"

"Well we weren't just gonna wait for you, we needed to go!" Stan retorted.

"Yeah well no thanks to you asswipes, we're about to become dead meat." Cartman exclaimed as they got closer to the temple.

"We really need a miracle right about now." Charlie whispered.

"I know Charlie," Kyle replied, "I know."

"Ah good you brought them." Dark Matter said as the knights entered the temple still carrying the kids. Kyle noticed that two of the pedestals had the blue and green keystones on top of them.

"I must admit, you kids really proven to be a bigger pain in the ass than I anticipated but I have you all nonetheless…and your parents as well."

"Mom, dad!" Stan yelled as he saw his parents with their hands tied behind their backs along with the other adults.

"Stanley there's something you should know," Randy said calmly, "this village is cursed."

"Uh Mister Dark Matter sir I think there's been a misunderstanding," Cartman exclaimed, trying to put on a girl's voice, "I don't know anybody here, I'm just a prostitute."

"…I know it's you bub," Dark Matter said bluntly, "and I know you kids have something that I want."

He nodded at the knight who held Stan and knight turned the kid upside down and started shaking him.

"Ah dude, cut that out!" Stan yelled through the shaking. The knight continued shaking him until the yellow keystone dropped from his coat pocket.

"Thank you." Dark Matter replied as he picked up the keystone and put it on the pedestal, "Everything is almost in position. We just need to find the fourth keystone and the Hanging Gardens of Babylon will rise from the earth once again."

"The Super Best Friends will come," Charlie said coldly, "and you'll be sorry for capturing us."

Dark Matter laughed at the threat, "Those holy beings you call 'heroes' are behind bars in the dungeons, even they acknowledge that there is no way of stopping me, not when I'm so close."

"Maybe we can negotiate here," Randy told the villain, "what if we promise not to get in your way, will you then let us all go?"

"Zip it Randy!" Dark Matter replied. There a long silence at what he said.

"…How did you know my name?" Randy asked incredulously.

"It has been twenty-five years and you no longer remember?" Dark Matter wondered aloud, "I might as well rejog your memory before you all die, like Jesus." The villain pulled off his mask and all the adults gasped in shock at the face from the past. They knew who it was; they knew exactly who it was.

"Dude what're they so shocked about?" Stan asked his best friend.

"I have no idea." Kyle answered.

Meanwhile on the outskirts of Alethea…

"I'll wager there're about four dozen of those things in the village." Zoroaster muttered as he looked at Alethea from atop a tree. Jesus' body lay next to standing prophet on its back.

"How're we gonna get in there without being seen?" Butter asked as he held Karen's hand, helping her keep her balance on the tree.

"That's gonna be a problem." Zoroaster replied. He looked at the dead body and noticed something shiny on its wrist, "What's that on his wrist?"

"It must be one of those special watch thingies." Butters answered, "You use them for communicating people."

"Communicating eh?" And then an idea struck the prophet. He reached over to unstrap the watch, "Sorry Jesus, but I need to borrow this." He strapped the watch on his own wrist and pressed a small button on it. Although the screen on the watch was small, Zoroaster could still see a section of the Hall of the Super Best Friends looking back at him…and a sleeping Moses.

"I think we're sucking diesel," Zoroaster muttered to the two kids before turning to the small screen, "Hello Moses? Moses...Oh are you kidding me? **MOSES!**"

"Huh? What?" Moses awakened at the sound of Zoroaster's scream and noticed that the computer screen showed his face, "Zoroaster? Is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me," The prophet replied, "listen Moses, we know where the Super Best Friends are. They've all been captured by a villain named Dark Matter, Jesus…was…also captured." He said the last part slowly and carefully, he didn't feel it was right that Moses should know what really happened to Jesus, "we need your help in rescuing them."

"Did you say 'we'?" Moses asked.

"Yeah, Butters and Karen are here also, but that's not important. The place where the Super Best Friends are being held prisoner in is heavily guarded. We need to know any other way to get past the guards without being seen, do you have any suggestions?"

"…Um…let me think…" Moses muttered. Why is it that he has to answer everyone's problems when they can clearly do it themselves?, "um…did you try going underground?"

"I highly doubt this place has a sewage system Moses." Zoroaster replied.

"There are other forms of underground transportation," Said Moses, "the place of your destination could have catacombs underneath."

"Catacombs…like in Paris but hopefully less spooky. Alright, we'll go look for an entrance for catacombs." Said Zoroaster before the screen went blank.

"What did he say?" Butters asked when Zoroaster turned off the watch.

"We need to find an entrance to catacombs," Zoroaster explained, "like a secret passage, one that even Dark Matter doesn't know about."

A gust of wind appeared under his feet and Zoroaster fell lightly on his feet off the tree. The same gust of wind carried Butters, Karen and the body to the ground.

"I wish I could do that." Said Butters as the gust of wind disappeared in Zoroaster's palm.

"You need to meet the Iranian archangels to learn the elements," Zoroaster replied, "and we're supposed to be looking for entrances to catacombs remember?"

"Right sorry, but where will we find the entrance?"

Zoroaster looked around for anything that looked suspicious but nothing appealed to him, "That's gonna be a problem."

"Well, we can't give up now," Butters insisted as the prophet walked around, "the entrance could be in a secret place, like inside a tree or under a rock…"

"Or hidden under a bush." Zoroaster pushed away a bush to find stairways that led underground.

"I never thought of that." Said Butters.

"People never think of the obvious hideouts, now c'mon, we've got a village to save."

"Oh my God, Simon Nicoles!" Randy yelled in surprise, "_You're _Dark Matter!?"

"You asked me that twelve fucking times already you jackass." Dark Matter murmured.

"Ignore him," Stan told the villain, "he's kind of an idiot."

"I was in the same class with him; I know what your father is like."

"But this is impossible," Stuart exclaimed, "the last time we saw you was when we were all ten and you were sent to a mental asylum."

"I got out ten years later after that incident," Dark Matter explained, "because according to the nurses I wasn't mentally unstable but very disturbed in a good way."

"Sure they didn't get it wrong?" Cartman asked sarcastically, which resulted in the knight holding him to squeeze him briefly.

"Zip it tubby!" Dark Matter replied.

"Dude think about what you're doing!" Kyle shouted desperately, "There are innocent people on this planet. You're gonna put them in danger if you this!"

"True but if it means making my plan a success then it'll be worth it." Dark Matter exclaimed, "And I have all your parents to thank for in my moment of triumph."

"What about our parents?" Stan demanded, "What made you do something like this?"

The villain turned around, facing the three keystones, "Well, I suppose it really began twenty-five years ago when your parents played that prank on me involving Denver Bronco cards. I spent quite a lot of time in that asylum because of that prank. They were in the outside world, having futures, careers, families of their own while I rotted away in that asylum and I wasn't just going to stand by and take it, so for the next ten years I tried to think of ways to exact sweet, painful revenge on your parents but they were not perfect enough. At least that was until I had the accidental fortune of researching a Greek village called Alethea."

"You mean you knew about Althea before all this happened?" Charlie asked.

"It may have looked like any normal village but something about it intrigued me, enchanted me beyond anything I could ever imagined," Dark Matter continued, ignoring the girl's question, "I researched everything I wanted to know about the village. Its people, its history, where it lives in Greece, I researched vigorously until I came across a particular interesting piece of information."

His lips curled into a smile as his eyes lingered on the three keystones, "The Keystones of Babylon. Many records about the origins of Alethea, the formation of the Pura Fides and the keystones themselves were lost because of its war with the Tenebris, but I did found bits and pieces. I learned that the younger members believed they were formed when Abraham died when really they were formed during the Alethean War. I learned about Alethea herself, daughter of Abraham, founder and namesake of this village and most importantly; the Keeper of the Keystones, someone who proved a threat to my plans which did not mentally form until after I discovered that the Tenebris tried to use the keystones to uproot the Hanging Gardens of Babylon during the war on the summer solstice. I seized the moment when I was let out of that asylum. I spent the next fifteen years trying to look for the four keystones to make my plan a reality. During that time I attracted a lot of supporters who aided me in the search, of course they knew nothing of my real intentions, but they played their part well nonetheless."

Dark Matter turned to face the kids, "There was no way they could've known I planned on using the keystones to uproot the Hanging Gardens of Babylon during a summer solstice and then use the ancient temple on South Park, thereby destroying the mountain town that casted me aside and ruined my life." A shocked silence filled the temple as everyone took in what the villain said.

"…That...is without a doubt…the most insane and unsettling thing to do," Randy broke the silence, "suddenly being sued by celebrities isn't so bad."

"Wait you said that the Keeper of the Keystones was a threat to your plans," Kyle said when he realised something, "so why did you want the Super Best Friends out of the way as well?"

"Do you remember the United Atheist Movement?" Dark Matter pressed on, "Of course you do, well those very same supporters who helped me were in fact atheists. They thought that I was helping them in making atheism the only religion by getting rid of a super hero group called the Super Best Friends. At first I thought they were bluffing but then I realised they were actually serious when I did a little research. I realised that these Super Best Friends would be just as much a thorn on my side as the keeper, so I played along with what the atheists want. We formed an organisation to support atheism and formed plans on how to get rid of the religious figures. I formed the perfect plan on how to do it."

"By dumping them all in Babylon." Stan concluded.

"Some of them but not all of them. I had to be subtle about it though. I sent them an anonymous message last year and they fell for it. They went to the temple of Babylon where a certain illusionist I hired to kill them lied in wait. That same illusionist failed as you know and the Super Best Friends escaped so I hired a more professional religious figure hunter."

"So we saw," Kyle said icily, "What about the keystones?"

"Although I was focused on killing the Super Best Friends I was still committed to finding the keystones," Dark Matter continued, "I did find one a few weeks ago in the hands of a Pura Fides member, also a descendant of Alethea, who was named Erastus."

"So it was you!" Carol shouted, "You killed my dad!"

"And if I didn't make a sacrifice in getting the first keystone, you wouldn't have known about your heritage. Of course that did have good consequences…for me anyway. It was said that if a relative of Alethea died at the hands of his or her own kind then the Tenebris will come back to life and back to life they came the moment Erastus died from that bullet wound. And the rest…well…you kids know what happened so you don't need me to tell you."

"How can you live with you self?!" Charlie demanded, "You endangered millions, killed lives and even deceived believers! You're nothing but a monster!"

"And you won't get away with this!" Stan added defiantly, "You won't ever get away with this!"

"Oh yah?" Dark Matter asked, "And who's going to stop me?"

Zoroaster held the white flame in his hand as him, Butters and Karen walked through the tunnels of the catacombs.

"It's really amazing how some people would use catacombs just for praying," Zoroaster said sarcastically, "in my opinion they look more like escape tunnels than anything else, except for the ones in Paris, obviously."

"What makes you say that?" Butters asked.

"If I tell you then you'd get nightmares." Just then a faint echo was heard in the distance.

"What was that?" Karen asked.

"I have no idea." Zoroaster and the others etched closer to the sound of the voice. As they moved closer the echo got clearer and louder.

"Hello?"

"That sounded like a hello." Said Butters.

"I'm not deaf, I heard it too." Zoroaster retorted as they got closer to the source of the voice. They then noticed a pink-haired woman that looked suspiciously like…

"Nurse Gollum!" Butters exclaimed happily when he saw her, "What're you doing here?"

"I was dumped in these catacombs when I was captured," Gollum explained, "Dark Matter sealed off the entrance to this place so I wouldn't get out."

"Zoroaster, you remember Nurse Gollum right?" Butters asked the prophet.

"I remember the fetes attached to her face," He replied, "the unmoving fetes like Jesus right now."

"Oh God," Gollum covered her nose when she saw the dead body, "that corpse is stinking up the place, how can you stand it?"

"Years of looking after animals has made me immune to bad smells," Zoroaster explained casually as he looked at the two tunnels that went into different directions, "I think we have two choices."

"Which way will we go?" Karen asked.

"Good question…" Zoroaster knew that he needed to stop Dark Matter before it's too late but he also needed the Super Best Friends to do that. Looking at the two tunnels then gave him an idea, "fetes lady-"

"I have a name!"

"Right, well here's what I want you to do," Zoroaster turned to the group, "I need you to go with the kids and Jesus to the tunnel on the left while I take the one on the right."

"On your own?" Butters asked.

"If we're ever going to find the others and stop Dark Matter we need to explore both ways," Zoroaster explained as he removed his staff from his fabric belt, "we'll cover more ground that way and besides I don't want to be slowed down when I'm going this way."

"I understand I think." Butters muttered.

"Good luck and be careful." Gollum called out as she and the kids went off to the left tunnel.

"We're religious figures," Zoroaster muttered to himself, "we get killed way too often." He waited until the others were out of sight before pointing his staff to the right, "Find the Super Best Friends…" The staff vibrated in his hand until it emitted a faint glow. Zoroaster then allowed the staff to drag him to his location.

The tunnel appears to go in a curvy pattern, considering Zoroaster went through a lot of turns. He looked around; when this is all over-and if he survived-he was going to have to learn more about catacombs. His staff then pointed to a wall on the right. He tilted his head slightly; could the Super Best Friends be on the other side? Zoroaster touched the wall with his staff and as it touched, wisps of water and air seeped into the wall through the staff. The wall began to soften and then fell off, revealing pure earth in front of the prophet.

"And now to make a tunnel." Zoroaster said aloud. Suddenly a crack appeared and spread from the hole to the ceiling of the tunnel. Bits of stone fell off.

"Uh-oh." Zoroaster replied as he ducked for cover.

Brutos was walking to the temple with the conch shell in his hands when he heard a crumbling noise under his feet. He looked down too late when the ground around him collapsed, taking Brutos with him.

Zoroaster was expecting the surface ground to fall on top of him but instead it fell in the opposite direction, away from him and the exposed wall earth. When the small land slide finished Zoroaster saw a conch shell fall at the end. He walked forward and picked it up. As he did so he thought he saw something glow inside it, something alive, and then it hit him.

"Jesus…" He murmured, "Hey Butters I found…aw dammit!" He yelled when he remembered where Jesus' body was right now. Shaking his head, he tucked the conch shell in his fabric belt and started digging a tunnel in the wall, using his water and air elements. As he did so he thought he heard a groan somewhere in the pile of earth behind him.

"It's true what they say;" Andrew said in his cell, "at the heart of every myth and legend lies a speck of truth."

"We really don't have time for this," Sophia muttered as she tried to look for a way out, "if only we had entered the village through the catacombs…"

"There're catacombs underneath your village?" Krishna asked.

"Yes, during the war my people used them as evacuation tunnels. They exited to the outskirts of Alethea, though they're not anywhere near the dungeons."

Andrew then noticed something off at the front wall of their cell, "What's that?"

The Super Best Friends turned to look at the wall, "That's water leaking from the wall," Smith observed, "a burst pipe perhaps?"

"There are no pipes next to this dungeon," Sophia replied slowly, just then wisps of air began to surround the wall, "that's not natural water."

Suddenly the wall collapsed to reveal a tunnel and someone at the entrance of the hole.

"Thank God I found you guys!" Zoroaster exclaimed at the entrance of the tunnel, "For a minute there I thought I went the wrong way!"

"Zoroaster! What're you doing here?" Seaman asked when the religious figures gathered around the entrance.

"What do you think? I came here to rescue you guys."

"…Why?" Krishna asked after a short pause.

"Hey there's a possibility that the temple will be heavily guarded and I'm not stupid enough to face Dark Matter alone-"

"No, he means why did you come back?" Smith replied, "What made you come back?"

"Oh that…" Zoroaster paused for a moment about what to say about that, "I guess I just needed to discover who I was again."

"…That is a very lame reason." Said Buddha.

"Hey it's better than the reason you all gave me about your powers," Zoroaster remarked, "look I know I said some things that may have been insensitive but that was then…"

"And this is now." Sophia finished for him.

"Besides, how else are we gonna bring him back?" Zoroaster pulled the conch shell out of his belt and showed it to the other religious figures.

"Is that…?" Sophia began.

"A conch shell that contains Jesus' spirit? Yes it is."

"How did you get it from the hunter?" Krishna asked incredulously.

"I just found it on the ground next to a pile of earth, I didn't encounter a hunter." Zoroaster answered before addressing the Aletheans, "Alright, listen up Aletheans, this tunnel that I'm in leads to the catacombs of your village. As soon as Buddha breaks the bars you all need to go to the exit that has a bush above it. I already wrote a map on where the location of the exit is. You all need to go to the exit while me and the other religious figures head towards the temple."

"But that place could be heavily guarded," Andrew exclaimed, "You'll never get through."

"Who said anything about entering it on the surface?" Zoroaster turned to the others, "We'll be going underground to get to the temple but instead of taking the catacombs, we'll be taking a special route to get there, if you all don't mind doing that."

"I think you're the only one in this room with a structured plan Zoroaster," Sophia replied, "however you plan on getting to the temple, we'll follow."

Zoroaster smiled slightly, "In that case, here's how we'll get there…"

Gollum carried the dead Jesus as the group walked through the tunnel, "This must be ten miles long or something."

"I think we're getting close," Butters replied, "I can hear voices up above us." Sure enough, voices were heard directly above them.

"You're right and there's a ladder up ahead, maybe we can find out where it leads to." As Gollum and Karen walked on ahead, Butters spotted something to his right. He walked over and looked at the object curiously; it was cube shaped, glowing a bright red colour with symbols engraved in it.

"Now what's a fancy looking cube like yourself doing in a place like this?" Butters asked himself as he picked the cube up.

"Butters!"

The puffball snapped out of his thoughts and quickly pocketed the cube, "Wh-I'm coming!" He raced off to catch up with the others.

"I still don't get this plan of yours." Randy exclaimed, "I honestly don't."

"It really isn't that hard to follow," Dark Matter replied with a hint of annoyance in his voice, "I find the keystones, use them to uproot the Hanging Gardens of Babylon during the summer solstice and then destroy your town with the ancient temple. I don't understand how you can't follow something that simple."

"I'm still confused-"

"All right, I think this has gone on far enough!" Gerald intervened, "Look Simon, I know you're still upset about what we did to you twenty-five years ago, but even you need to understand that we were only kids back then."

"Well you all should've thought about the consequences before playing that prank," Dark Matter retorted, "and now you're going to pay the price because of it."

If there was one thing Kyle learned about this villain it was that he talked too much. If they all want to get out this alive he knew he needed to work that weakness to his advantage, "Hey Dark Matter, before you go and find the keystone, I want to know how you knew where the temple was."

"Why are asking me this?" Dark Matter asked suspiciously.

"I just want to know how you figured out this was the right temple, that the Babylonian temple was buried directly underneath the village. That it isn't a hoax temple."

"Eh Kyle what're doing?" Cartman whispered urgently, "We're not supposed to warm up to the enemy."

"You're one to talk fatass," Kyle shot back, "you warm up to enemies all the time."

Dark Matter stroked his chin in thought, not paying attention to the boys' argument, "They say curiosity killed the cat, but I supposed it isn't bad if you use it in moderation, might as well give you all a quick history lesson before your demise comes."

He straightened the keystones on the pedestals while talking, "If you all met the Lady of the Temple, which I highly doubt you did, you will learn that there are thousands of temple replicas in the world, some that are the splitting image of the original thing. In order to know which temple is real, one needs to study the history of different countries and their relations, it is only through studying their history, culture, and people that you can truly succeed in finding the right temple."

Dark Matter turned to look at the kids, "I spent years trying to find the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, searching every country, town, ancient city, even crumbling ruins just to find it, sure I almost lost my mind in the process…"

"Almost?" Charlie asked incredulously, she was starting to think that Dark Matter already lost his mind long ago.

"But in the end my persistence paid off," Dark Matter continued, "the Hanging Gardens of Babylon will rise again, South Park will be destroyed and it is only then that I will be satisfied. I'll admit that some countries will also suffer, but of course, sacrifices must be made. And no one, not even the Super Best Friends can stop me now."

"The Super Best Friends haven't lost," Stan remarked, "not yet, unlike us ordinary people, they know how to work in religious harmony."

"You just don't get it do you?" Dark Matter replied, "It's over, I won, religion failed."

"No it hasn't dude," Stan said, "sure religion has its faults and is slowly becoming extinct and sure it has beliefs that conflict with the modern world's beliefs, like evolution, science, maybe even the big bang theory…and I mean the actual theory not the TV show, the point is that no matter who we are or where we come from, we all carry a bit of all the major religions inside us, even atheists and agnostics. And who knows? Maybe in time we can all learn that science and religion really do work hand-in-hand, so in a way, religion hasn't failed as long as you know how to use it."

A long silence filled the temple, "…Wow," Dark Matter said sarcastically, "you would honestly make such a gay little speech just to save your town. I mean come _on_!"

He paced back and forth, "Seriously you're just not getting it! I'm going to blow up your town one way or another. Who cares about South Park anyway? The town is full of nothing but drunk, idiotic, redneck assholes!"

While Dark Matter was talking the kids noticed a marble stone move on the floor. It then sprung open to reveal Butters popping his head up from the ground.

"Am I the only one who realises that your town is full of idiots?!"

All the Tenebris stared at the puffball and almost immediately rushed towards him, the knights who held the kids dropped them and joined the others in catching Butters.

"Oh hamburgers." Butters exclaimed as he managed to avoid the Tenebris just in time and race away from them. The scene of Butters being chased by the Tenebris would've attracted Dark Matter's attention but fortunately, he was too busy ranting to notice.

"Child abduction and the Iraq War, complete and utter examples that South Park is an idiot colony!"

The kids watched in amazement as Nurse Gollum, carrying Jesus' dead body and Karen also appeared from the hole. Gollum quietly put the body to one side and ushered to the adults.

"Oh look, let's all make a big deal out of school mascots," Dark Matter exclaimed in a childish voice, "let's make it into a presidential vote, blah, blah, blah…"

While Butters was still being chased by the Tenebris the adults quietly crept towards the hole in the ground and jumped in.

"And what about global warming huh? Or tolerance? Yeah, they really made an impression of that!"

When all the adults were safely in the catacombs Gollum went to get the kids but just then Butters went dangerously close to them, with the Tenebris hot on his trail.

"We better move asswipes!" Cartman exclaimed in alarm.

"Do you understand now? It's over!" Dark Matter finished, "You lost, I won."

Just then there was a crashing noise close to where the kids were.

The wall inside the empty chamber dissolved in a pile of mud. Zoroaster climbed out of the tunnel and looked around.

"Sheesh what a dump," Zoroaster said as the rest of the Super Best Friends climbed out of the tunnel, "looking at this place almost makes it look like we're doing Dark Matter a favour."

"Where did you say Jesus' body was again?" Smith asked as the others joined Zoroaster.

"It's with Butters, the fetes lady and Karen," He replied, "alright everyone stay quiet, we're right below the Alethean temple."

"How can you tell?" Sophia asked.

"You said that the temple lies in the centre of your village, well the Hanging Gardens of Babylon is also in the centre of the village."

"Do you mean to tell us," Krishna said slowly, "that you led us inside the Babylonian temple itself?"

"Just one of the chambers," Zoroaster answered, "directly on top of Dark Matter so we can get to him, look it's gonna work out, I got it all figured out, all you guys have to do now is trust me."

"Zoroaster…" Sophia said softly.

"Just trust me."

"The keystone!" Dark Matter screamed when he saw the red keystone in front of Butters, who was behind the pile of Tenebris knights who crashed into each other, "At last, now it shall be uprooted!"

"Nurse Gollum get out of here!" Kyle shouted as he dragged the school nurse to the catacomb entrance as Dark Matter picked up the keystone.

"I'm not leaving here without you!"" She retorted.

"Stuff like this happens to us all the time and we make it out alive, we'll be alright. Now get out!" He pushed Gollum into the hole just as Dark Matter placed the last keystone on the pedestal. The effect was immediate, the four keystones glowed and sparks violently appeared from them. They became enveloped in a bright light that made it impossible to see them. The temple began to shake violently and cracks began to appear on the walls.

"Uh fellas," Butters said fearfully as the walls around them began to crumble away, "Don't you think we should be heading off now?"

"It's too late now Butters," Stan said grimly.

"Are you fucking serious?!" Cartman screamed as the Tenebris knights fell through the cracked walls.

"I think that spot will do." Zoroaster said as he looked at a particular spot in the ceiling, "Buddha, we're gonna need you to break through that ceiling." Just then the chamber began to shake violently.

"This can't be good." He muttered when it was felt that the whole chamber was moving upwards. The earth surrounding the temple began to fall away.

"Oh God, he's already done it!" Sophia screamed as the Super Best Friends kept their grips against the moving chamber.

"You mean Dark Matter succeeded in uprooting the Hanging Gardens of Babylon?" Buddha asked.

"Yes," Sophia replied, "and now the world will understand the true meaning of Armageddon!"

The entire village shook as the Hanging Gardens of Babylon emerged from the ground. It grew larger in chambers as it came further away from the ground. Four columns supported the roofs of the chambers. When it was completely off the ground it flew upwards into the dark clouds, thunder was heard as it went up.

"Yes, _yes_!" Dark Matter cackled as the temple came to a halt in the clouds, "Let the wrath of Dark Matter begin!"

One story below the top of the temple, the Super Best Friends ran out of the chamber to find that they were in ominous black clouds.

"Oh dear God!" Zoroaster groaned when he couldn't see the ground, "Airsickness!"

"You don't like flying?" Smith asked, but his question was answered when Zoroaster vomited on his shoes, "…That's a yes."

"We need to stop Dark Matter!" Sophia exclaimed as Zoroaster slowly leaned on a column.

"We need a strategy if we're gonna take down that madman." Krishna said. Just then something fell on top of Zoroaster who let out a yelp when that happened. When the Super Best Friends gathered around him they discovered it was Jesus' body that fell on him.

"It's Jesus…sort of!" Buddha exclaimed, "But where did it come from?"

"It must have come from the top of the temple," Sophia said slowly, "which means…"

"The kids are up there as well." Zoroaster finished as he pushed the body off. He looked at the stairs that led to the top before taking the conch shell out of his robes.

"Revive Jesus by breaking the conch shell." He quickly gave the conch shell to Sophia before running towards the stairs.

"Zoroaster, where are you going?" Smith called out.

"I'm gonna stop Dark Matter long enough for you guys to revive Jesus!" He answered as he ran, "Meet me at the top when he's brought back to life!"

"Be careful…" Sophia whispered.

The keystones were merged into one, forming a giant cube in the middle of the platform that glowed a pale cyan colour. Dark Matter circled the giant cube.

"Take me to South Park, Colorado," He commanded to the cube, "I have a special surprise for that town." The Hanging Gardens of Babylon then moved west towards Dark Matter's destination in a very slow manner, "Ah c'mon! You've got to move faster than this!"

Behind the columns that kept the roof in place, the kids watched the villain working the controls of the cube.

"Are we going to die?" Charlie asked quietly.

"Probably." Stan answered.

"If this is the end then there's something I want to get out of my chest." Cartman turned to Kyle, "Jew we've been through a lot you and I, some bad some good. You stopped me from getting rid of stuff I want gone, like _Family Guy_."

"Dude what're talking about?" Asked Kyle.

"It's a long complicated, stupid story and I don't mean stupid like continuing _Two and a Half Men_ without Charlie Sheen. All I'm saying is that if we do make it out alive…Kyle…you owe me."

A long silence filled the top of the temple, "…What?" Kyle wondered aloud.

"You owe me an iPad," Cartman said simply, "because I was right about the Hanging Gardens of Babylon existing-Ow! Ah! Stop Kyle, stop!" Kyle immediately started punching Cartman multiple times in the stomach.

"You fucking, selfish asshole!" Kyle shouted between punches, "Every single person on this planet, including your friends and family are in danger and all you've been thinking about was that stupid iPad?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why can't you for once think of other people?!"

While that was going on Dark Matter went to touch the cube only for his hand to be shocked before he can barely touch it, "What the-"He jerked his hand away and when he did he saw a force field around the cube which was visible for a minute and then disappeared.

"That was not there before." He murmured.

"Hey asshole!" Dark Matter turned to find Zoroaster walking up the steps that led to the top.

"One of the religious figures!" He screeched, "I thought they were imprisoned!"

"I let them out," Zoroaster said bluntly, "so we meet at last Dark Matter. I heard some ugly stuff about you and they were right."

"If you've come to stop me then your efforts will be futile," Dark Matter snarled, "the keystones have become one with the temple, in a matter of moments I will arrive at my destination!"

"I don't think so," Zoroaster pulled the Olympian blaster from his robes, "I have a blaster and I'm not afraid to use it!"

He ran towards the cube but when he came a millimetre close to it his entire body was shocked by the force field. He was sent flying back on the ground.

"Ya see," Dark Matter said plainly, "there's a shield surrounding the keystones. It is presumably unbreakable even for you."

"That was unexpected," Zoroaster replied as he stood up, "but I'm not giving up." Before he could move any further, Dark Matter whipped a conch shell out from his pocket, "Oh God no…"

"Oh so you do know what happens if a religious figure comes across one of these." Dark Matter smirked as he walked closer to the prophet, "Brutos taught me a few lessons about how to completely kill a holy being. If there's one thing I learned it's that if you want something done you've got to do it yourself."

"You're not-you're not really thinking about doing this are you?" Zoroaster asked nervously, taking a step back, "Maybe, maybe we can talk about this, reach an agreement maybe?"

"It's too late for that now…for you anyway," Dark Matter held the conch shell directly towards Zoroaster's chest, "goodbye Prophet of Ancient Iran."

"NO!" Charlie raced away from the others and stood in front of Zoroaster, "You can't kill him! It's not right!"

"Oh so now you trust a religious figure." He muttered.

"Charlie, what're you doing?" Kyle and the others caught up with her just as Dark Matter lowered the conch shell.

"Stand aside kid," He commanded, "I have a spirit to suck out."

"No! I'm not letting you hurt him!"

"Uh-huh," Dark Matter stared at the girl, "if I recall, you were the one who said religious figures don't exist, so why is it that you now care if something bad happens to them?"

"Because religious figures…are ordinary people too." Charlie said calmly.

"What're talking about Charlie?" Stan asked.

"Think about it," Charlie continued, "Don't religious figures have the same emotions as us? Don't they express happiness, sadness, anger and curiosity like us? And didn't they start out their lives as babies and slowly went through childhood to adulthood like us humans?"

She looked directly at the villain, "Sure they can't die, they have powers, they're descended from Gods and must be treated with the highest respect and regard and hey, they can't even be mocked or insulted, but they're still like us. They're protecting this world while at the same time trying to live normal, everyday lives…just like us."

"_And I don't have to remind you that they're gonna be around long after we're all dead," _The General and Vosknocker listened intently to Charlie's speech on the monitor, _"So in a way, that makes them more ordinary than you or me."_

"My God…" The General whispered, "That is the most heart-warming thing I have ever heard."

"General, are you crying?" Vosknocker noticed the tears forming in his eyes.

"Maybe," The General answered, his voice cracking, "the government told us to lock up a religious figure, but after hearing what that young girl said I realise now that we were keeping one of our own kind in here…can I have a hug?"

Vosknocker stood there awkwardly where he was for a moment before walking over to hug the General.

"_Why_?" He sobbed on the doctor's shoulder, "Why didn't I realise that earlier?"

"Sometimes in life, it takes the innocent words of a child to help us see the simplest of things," The doctor looked at the monitor on the table, "you know that monitor also comes with a recorder. What'd you say you we go down to the government and let them hear what the girl said?"

So that's why you can't kill Zoroaster," said Charlie, "because he and all other religious figures are human."

"Dude that was beautiful." Kyle walked up to his girlfriend, "What made you make a speech like that?"

"I just did whatever my heart told me to do." Charlie answered.

"…Fuck you kids, I'm gonna kill him anyway." Dark Matter remarked as he raised the conch shell again.

"Are you fucking serious?!" Zoroaster exclaimed, "How can you not be moved by what she just said?!"

"I will admit that it is touching, but I can't let you or the brats get in the way-"

"Kiwaaa!"

A gleaming halo hit the conch shell, shattering it into pieces, "What the-"The villain turned to find Jesus at the entrance of the top, "No! I don't believe it!"

"Believe it Dark Matter." Jesus grabbed his halo when it spun back to him, "Might as well give up while you still can, you're surrounded."

"Surrounded-yeah right," Dark Matter exclaimed as he held back a laugh, "you and what army?"

"We're right here." Sophia flew into view behind Jesus and landed lightly on the ground, followed by the other Super Best Friends.

"Buddha!"

"Krishna!"

"Joseph Smith!"

"Seaman!"

"Zoroaster," The prophet murmured to himself before smirking at the villain, "we're gonna kick your butt."

"Uh fellas," Butters said fearfully, "are they supposed to be here?" All around them Tenebris knights climbed up to the top, their black armour reflecting the dark clouds.

"It appears as if my own army came right on time." Dark Matter stated as the knights formed a circle around them, "Judging by the number of them, I believe the tables have turned."

"Not when our powers are combined." Sophia retorted as she whipped out her sword.

"We'll see. Get them!" The knights charged at the religious figures, but before they could take a step further, all of them were set on fire. Zoroaster pointed his staff in front of him, the top blazing with a single flame.

"Holy shit dude!" Stan yelled.

"Nice cover up." Jesus complimented.

"Don't thank me yet. My magic won't hold them off for long" he looked around, "Where is it? Where's the blaster?"

"What blaster?" Sophia asked as she slashed threw a knight.

"The blaster Hephaestus gave me! The Olympian blaster!"

"You mean the pretty looking gun that's on the edge of the platform?" Butters pointed to the blaster, which was on the verge of falling off the edge.

"Son of a bitch-!" Zoroaster lowered his staff and ran as fast as he could to the blaster. He caught it just before it fell off, "Got it, and now to-"Before he can do anything a nearby Tenebris knight tackled him off the edge.

"Oh hamburgers!" Cried Butters when he saw Zoroaster get pushed off the platform, "I think we lost Zoroaster!"

"Ah crap." Said Jesus as he and the Super Best Friends fought the Tenebris while the kids ran out of the way. Only Karen stood motionless behind the column, completely terrified of what was going on, all she knew was that hell had broken loose.

"_Karen…everything is going to be okay,_" A voice echoed in her head. She looked around, trying to find the source of the voice, "_I am speaking to you telepathically. I am the same person who assisted your ancestor Alethea into guiding her and her father's followers to the Greek village. Listen to what I have to say before you do anything._"

"What do want from me?" She asked quietly.

"_I want to help you save the world Karen. You are a descendant of Abraham, you have the power to put a stop to all this. You just have to listen to me before you can do anything." _Karen looked at the chaos around her, she didn't know who the person in her voice was, nor did she know if she should trust that person or not…but she didn't want this planet to be destroyed either.

"What do you want me to do?"

Jesus yelped when he tried to touch the cube. A force field appeared around it for a second and then disappeared, giving his hand a shock in the process, "There's a force field surrounding it!"

"That could be a problem." Said Krishna. A knight appeared behind the Hindu Deity but he electrocuted it before it could even touch him.

"Does anyone know how to break a force field?" Kyle asked but before anyone could answer, Karen stepped in front of the cube and touched the barrier surrounding it. It did not shock her, instead cracks slowly formed around it.

"That's impossible!" Dark Matter screamed when he saw what was happening, "S-she can't touch the shield she'd have to be…"

"A descendant of Alethea." Jesus finished.

"No!" Cried Dark Matter, "I am not going to let the brat get away with this!"

Before he can do anything, Cartman ran up to the villain, turned around and pulled his skirt down, "Take this asshole!" A fart was heard from his behind and with it; huge flames appeared and caught Dark Matter.

"Oh God it burns!" Dark Matter screeched as he tried to put the flames out, "And it smells!"

The breaking of glass was heard and the force field surrounding the cube shattered into chunks.

"That's it, it's broken!" Sophia exclaimed.

"Yeah well even it is, you still won't be able to destroy the keystones," Dark Matter retorted, "one must posses…"

"The Olympian blaster." Zoroaster hovered on top of the platform, a gust of wind, the shape of a disc swirled around his feet, "That fall was completely uncalled for."

"Zoroaster!" Cried Butters.

"That's my name, don't wear it out." He aimed the blaster at the cube and pulled the trigger. A white ball of light shot out of the blaster, hitting the cube. It sent sparks flying everywhere and for a moment it sounded like the temple was wailing in pain.

"That's that then." Said Zoroaster as he landed on the platform.

Suddenly a column began to collapse, sending a bit of the roof falling as well.

"I don't think this is over yet." Said Stan as a chunk of the floor fell off.

"The temple is falling apart!" Sophia yelled, "Everybody run!"

The heroes raced down the stair just as the roof collapsed on the platform.

"Does anyone know a way out?" Kyle asked as the group got to the bottom.

"We can fly but we can't fly all of you back to the surface." Said Jesus.

"What the fuck?! So what're you saying, that we're stuck here?!" Cartman demanded.

"Looks like it." Zoroaster replied.

"Kyle if this is the end," Charlie held Kyle's hand tightly, "I just want you to know that I'm sorry if I acted like a know-it-all about religious figures, and I'm happy that we're gonna die together on this temple."

"Ditto." Kyle said smiling.

"Hey what's that?" Butters pointed to something bright and yellow to the left, flying in their direction. The thing came to a halt beside them and they realised it was a golden chariot, drawn by a winged horse.

"Ike?!" Kyle stared in disbelief when he saw that it was his brother driving the chariot, "What're you doing here?"

"You know this kid?" Zoroaster asked.

"Yeah, he's my adopted brother from Canada."

"Interesting," Zoroaster muttered, "did he ever tell you that he works for the Olympians?"

"What?!"

"Can we have this discussion when we're on the ground?!" Smith exclaimed when more of the temple crumbled away.

"You're right," Said Zoroaster, "everyone, onto the chariot!"

The group quickly got on the chariot, with Zoroaster barely making it into it as a piece of the temple fell under his feet, "Go, go, go!" He shouted.

The chariot flew away from the temple just as it exploded into dust, leaving nothing but a giant cloud in its place.


	5. Epilogue

**Chapter 13**

_My name is Leopold Stotch, but people call me Butters._

_Less than an hour ago me and my friends saved the world by destroying the Hanging Gardens of Babylon; we in turn were saved by Kyle's brother Ike just in time before the temple exploded. We were dropped off in Alethea after that._

_If there's one thing I learned, it's that a lot can happen in an hour; Zoroaster and Sophia were made Super Best Friends for defeating Dark Matter and Karen was reunited with her family, by golly you should've seen her face, she was so happy. The government made religious figures honorary citizens of America, I don't know why they did that, but at least Zoroaster won't have to get locked up again._

_My parents phoned me and said I was grounded for saving the world without their permission. As for Dark Matter, well we're not sure what really happened to him. He wasn't with us when we escaped, but he wasn't with the burnt remains of the knights after the temple exploded either. Sometimes life works in mysterious ways._

_Right now we're all in Alethea, which was half destroyed when the temple got uprooted. There're a bunch of people here with us who call themselves the Order of Religion, led by a scary looking lady named Miss Anthrope or 'The Bitch' which the Super Best Friends secretly call her. _

"Wow…for once it's not our town that got destroyed huh?" Randy and the others observed the damage done to the village. Houses were burnt down, trees and bushes were pulled from their roots and a giant hole was created in the middle of the village.

"It'll take a while for things to get back to normal." Andrew told the others.

"At least we're all alive," Said Charlie, "that's the main thing."

"Hey dudes." Kenny McCormick walked into view next to his friends.

"Dude, where have you been?" Asked Stan.

"I've just been hanging out," Kenny answered simply, "Did I miss anything exciting?"

"You have no idea."

"For the last time, there was no accomplice," Jesus said to Miss Anthrope, "it was just Dark Matter alone up there!"

"And for the last time, I'm not gonna believe you holy beings until I see an accomplice," Miss Anthrope retorted as she walked away, "I didn't get the police involved for nothing you know!"

"…Bitch." Muttered Krishna as Jesus slapped his forehead in frustration.

"Don't worry; I have an idea on where we can find an accomplice," Zoroaster told the other Super Best Friends, "all we need to do is find an evil person, a truly evil person. Someone who deserves to be punished."

"I think Dark Matter was the closest to being a truly evil person." Said Seaman.

"Shud' up Seamen." Zoroaster replied, causing the Super Best Friends to burst out laughing.

"It's Sea-man!"

"But Kyle you owe me!" Cartman whined as he and Kyle walked into view.

"No I don't fatass!"

"But the Hanging Gardens of Babylon-"

"No longer exists," Kyle explained, "less than one hour ago you saw the temple explode with your own eyes. You said it exists, but it no longer does because it exploded, so technically your theory is wrong!" With that, Kyle walked quickly away from Cartman.

"…Wait so that's it? No iPad?!" Cartman asked, "I was about to get the greatest thing ever made and now I can't?!" He then glared at the religious figures, "well way to go Super Best Assholes, you guys _really_ screwed me over. I was about to get the greatest thing in the world and in one shot you all ruined it! Any of you got any mints? My breath should at least smell fresh the next time you all decide to fuck me! Or maybe some KFC? Yeah, I like to get some fried chicken after I've been FUCKED by you stupid religious assholes!"

A long silence filled the air as the Super Best Friends glared daggers at Cartman.

Minutes later.

"What the fuck!? Get away from me!" Cartman screamed as police officers chased him around the village.

"That's him all right," Zoroaster called out, "that little transvestite fat kid is an accomplice of Dark Matter!"

"God-dammit, I'm not fat!" Cartman cried.

"Why did you guys told the police on him?" Asked Stan.

"He said 'fuck' to an Iranian," Zoroaster answered darkly, "you can _never _say 'fuck' to an Iranian."

The kids watched as Cartman ran towards the giant hole. He jumped in, emitting a flamed fart at the officers before colliding with the earth.

"…Dude." Muttered Stan.

"Seriously," Cartman said from the hole, "I am going to kick someone in the balls."

"Cartman's pissed again." Charlie said to her boyfriend.

"Yeah, but at least we won't have to go through something like this ever again." Kyle replied.

"I guess you're right." She kissed him on the cheek as they watched Cartman getting dragged away by the police, along the way he flipped off each of the Super Best Friends.

"Fuck you Jesus! Fuck you Krishna! Fuck you Buddha! Fuck you Smith! Fuck you Seamen! Fuck you whatever you call yourself and fuck you winged bitch!"

"That kid is _so_ not getting reincarnated." Said Krishna.

"Well that's another painting that didn't come true." The Lady of the Temple said to herself as she scrubbed the painting of the temple off the wall, "And good thing too, there are so many paintings that still need to come true." After she was finished scrubbing it she realised that there was writing behind the painting. She looked at the writing, realising that it was a prophecy:

_Seven descendants of the eldest legacies,_

_Will rise and be chosen against all odds_

_And see the world frozen in time_

_Deities and Immortals combined prevail_

_The cloud of fire emits the signal_

_A cursed Warlock, the Ancient Sword must slay_

_Wielded by the Hero of Legends_

_And preserve the Pantheons for generations to come._

"…Heh, I'll believe it when I see it." The Temple Lady said.

**And so ends South Park: Religion Exposed, the four-part series that started last month and ended today, but it's not entirely over. This is just a new beginning…the beginning of my South Park spin off series Montana Chronicles.**

**A thank you to those who stayed with the series till the end and a special thank you to ThreadbareSP, who let me, use her character Charlie in this series.**

**Montana Chronicles, coming soon.**


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